You Are Jeff Bezos

Your browser lacks required capabilities. Please upgrade it or switch to another to continue.

Loading…

<<set $Money = 156000000000>><<set $invest = 0>><<set $flint = 0>><<set $EUtaxes = 0>><<set $amazonsalaries = 0>><<set $homelessness = 0>><<set $puertorico = 0>><<set $teachers = 0>><<set $artists = 0>><<set $nasa = 0>><<set $mythbusters = 0>><<set $buddies = 0>><<set $twitter = 0>><<set $borderwall = 0>><<set $assassins = 0>><<set $anime = 0>><<set $library = 0>><<set $vidya = 0>><<set $electoralcollege = 0>><<set $personaltaxes = 0>><<set $animals = 0>><<set $endcondition = 0>><<set $secretelon = 0>><<set $secretzuckerberg = 0>><<set $secretgates = 0>><<set $secretkoch = 0>><<set $secrettrump = 0>><<set $bathroom = 0>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin. [[You are Jeff Bezos.|Explanation]] <<if ($ending_true eq 1) or ($ending_neutral eq 1) or ($ending_bad eq 1) or ($ending_secret1 eq 1) or ($ending_secret2 eq 1) or ($ending_secret3 eq 1)>>[[Completion Progress]]<<endif>>

Jeff Bezos' employees are now your employees. His money is now your money. Nothing you say or do will convince anyone you are not Jeff Bezos, even his closest friends and family. What do you do? [[I go to the bathroom.|Bathroom 1]] [[I scream and sob with terror over this unnatural event.|Useless]] [[I spend all his fucking money.|Explanation 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money + 540000>><<set $bathroom = 1>>You go to the bathroom. It takes you about nine minutes to do all your business. You flush the toilet, because any game with a bathroom that does not allow you to flush the toilet is not a real game. In that nine minutes, you, Jeff Bezos, make $540,000. That's more than nine times an American's average annual salary and 20 times the median salary of an Amazon employee. [[Jesus christ.|choice 2]]

You spend some time howling and tearing at your flesh with unfamiliar hands. It doesn't do any good. You are still Jeff Bezos. [[How do I end this??|Useless 2]]

Jeff Bezos' current wealth is displayed on the left. Below are some things you might consider spending it on. <strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike> <<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)|Puerto Rico 1]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)|Personal taxes 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 1]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 1]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>>

<<set $endcondition = 1>>I'm no expert but you may find a way back to your real body if you spend all of Jeff Bezos' money, thus disintegrating his physical form. [[That... doesn't make any sense.|Useless 3]] [[Fine, but do I have to spend it?|Investing]]

<<set $invest = 1>>Look, waking up in the body of a billionaire doesn't make much sense either, but this is what we have to work with. Believe me, it's not too pleasant from this end either. Anyway, even if spending all of Jeff Bezos' money doesn't get you back where you're supposed to be, you'll still be the hero who spent all of Jeff Bezos' money. [[But there are so many smarter ways to use Jeff Bezos' money. I could invest it--|Investing]]

<<if $invest eq 1>>NO. <<else>><<endif>>You cannot invest it, keep it, or earn more of it. You can only spend it. [[But that's a really inefficient way to use wealth.|Details]] [[Oh, all right.|Explanation 2]]

Sure, sure. It's also true that no billionaire just sits on a giant pile of cash; most of Bezos' wealth is abstracted into stocks, investments, and so forth. But that's not the scope of this simulation. This simulation is about spending all of Jeff Bezos' fucking money. [[Well, all right.|Explanation 2]]

Current Worth: $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>

Yeah, it's kinda horrifying, isn't it. [[Right, OK. How do I get rid of all this money?|Investing]] [[I go to the bathroom again.|Bathroom 2]]

You may be inhabiting the body of a 54-year-old, but that doesn't mean you need to pee again that quickly. [[Eh, it was worth a shot.|Bathroom 3]] [[Wait, Bezos is only 54?|Age]]

<<set $invest = 1>>Anyway, now that you've done your business, it's time to spend Jeff Bezos' money. [[Do I have to spend it? Can't I like, invest it or hoard it or--|Investing]]

Yeah, I was surprised too. Guess injecting yourself with the blood of young people isn't all it's cracked up to be. [[Urgh.|Bathroom 3]]

You get a phone call on your personal line from your main financial advisor, apparently distressed. You ignore it. <strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike> <<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)|Puerto Rico 2]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)|Personal taxes 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 2]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 2]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[What else?|Spend new menu]]

<center>CREDITS</center>Written by <a href="https://twitter.com/krisligman" target="_blank">Kris Ligman</a> in Twine 2. Special thanks to <a href="https://twitter.com/Videlais" target="_blank">Dan Cox</a> and the <a href="https://twinery.org/cookbook/" target="_blank">Twine Cookbook</a>. This game draws design inspiration from Zoë Quinn's <a href="http://www.depressionquest.com/" target="_blank">Depression Quest</a> and Squinky's <a href="http://squinky.me/2014/09/01/quings-quest-vii-the-death-of-videogames/" target="_blank">Quing's Quest VII</a>. <center>DISCLAIMER</center>This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. <center>NOT TO BE TREATED AS A SERIOUS RESOURCE FOR MONEY NUMBERS OR FINANCIAL ADVICE IF YOU ARE INDEED JEFF BEZOS</center> Let's be honest, this game is mostly just a thought experiment. A lot of the numbers here are totally fake, based on cursory internet searches, and should be taken with a large grain of salt. <center>[[Works Referenced (not mobile-friendly)|Works Referenced Actual]] [[Back to Start|Intro]]</center>

Twitter is lighting up with liberals praising your good deeds with the hashtag #BezosIsBae. Leftists still hate you. <strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike> <<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)|Puerto Rico 3]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)|Personal taxes 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 3]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 3]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[What else?|Spend new menu]]

Mark Zuckerberg unfriends you. An architect of the Iraq War is penning an op-ed in a newspaper you do not control, explaining why your actions are consistent with neoliberalism and there is no cause for alarm. Peter Thiel knocks tentatively at your door, asking if there isn't something you'd like to maybe get a coffee and talk about. You ignore him. <strike>Pay off student loan debt (-$1.5 trillion)</strike> <<if ($puertorico eq 0) and ($Money gte 139000000000)>>[[Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)|Puerto Rico 4]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($borderwall eq 0) and ($Money gte 70000000000)>>[[Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)|Border wall 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay for the Border Wall and then not build it (-$70 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($personaltaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 57720000000)>>[[Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)|Personal taxes 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($teachers eq 0) and ($Money gte 22400000000)>>[[Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)|Teachers 4]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)|End homelessness 4]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[What else?|Spend new menu]]

Good job decimating a rich man's wealth so far, by the way. You've gone from $156,000,000,000 to a mere $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> in a few clicks of a button. If only you could manufacture guillotines this easily. <<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA 1]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 1]]<<else>><strike>Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 1]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money gte 380000000>>[[Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)|Electoral college 1]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)|EU taxes 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)</strike><<endif>>

<<set $Money to $Money - 60000000>><<set $mythbusters = 1>>This isn't necessarily a good use of Jeff Bezos' money, but you really liked the older seasons of Mythbusters that were basically "Jackass for Nerds," the golden era of Adam Savage burning off his eyebrows and sticking his mouth into vacuum motors. You reboot the series for a limited one-season run with the original cast, to air commercial-free and subscription-free on a bespoke online streaming service. The show tests all the myths that were originally vetoed because of corporate meddling, like RFIDs in credit cards and hunting ducks with pumpkins. Anything left over from the $60 million budget will go toward reproducing that one time the Mythbusters blew up a cement truck with dynamite, now properly captured on a high-speed camera. [[Science!|Spend phase three 3]]

Fox News goes unexpectedly off-air, citing "existential difficulties." TIME names you its Person of the Year. You decline that fairweather bullshit. <<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA 2]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 2]]<<else>><strike>Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 2]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)|Electoral college 2]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)|EU taxes 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money lte 1000000000>>[[Do you hear something?|Spend phase three]]<<endif>>

The squatter in the White House goes on an unhinged Twitter rant, branding you a communist Democrat fascist with small genitals who is ruining the economy. He calls for your execution. <<if ($twitter eq 0) and ($Money gte 50000000000)>>[[Buy Twitter and delete his account (-$50 billion)|Buy Twitter]]<<else>><strike>Buy Twitter and delete his account (-$50 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA 3]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 3]]<<else>><strike>Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 3]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)|Electoral college 3]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)|EU taxes 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money lte 1000000000>>[[Do you hear something?|Spend phase three]]<<endif>>

<<set $Money to $Money - 50000000000>><<set $twitter = 1>>You buy Twitter for $50 billion -- way more than it's actually worth, but you'd rather get the acquisition over with quickly. After you ban the circus peanut in the White House, you also get rid of Jack and all the Nazis. [[Good riddance.|Spend new menu 4]]

Bill and Melinda Gates send a kind yet concerned greeting card, asking if perhaps you would like a little advice on How To Spend Money On Poors But In A Moderate Way. You burn it. <<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA 4]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 4]]<<else>><strike>Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 4]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)|Electoral college 4]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)|EU taxes 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)</strike><<endif>> [[Do you hear something?|Spend phase three]]

Ah, finally. Assassins have showed up. <<if $Money gte 500000000>>[[Double the assassins' fee to pay them to assassinate their clients instead (-$500 million)|Assassins]]<<else>>[[Dispatch them quietly with robots|Assassins alt]]<<endif>> <<if ($nasa eq 0) and ($Money gte 20000000000)>>[[Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)|NASA 5]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0) and ($Money gte 15800000000)>>[[Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)|Amazon salaries 5]]<<else>><strike>Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 0) and ($Money gte 2000000000)>>[[Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)|Artists 5]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($electoralcollege eq 0) and ($Money gte 380000000)>>[[Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)|Electoral college 5]]<<else>><strike>Abolish the electoral college (-$380 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($EUtaxes eq 0) and ($Money gte 293000000)>>[[Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)|EU taxes 5]]<<else>><strike>Pay back taxes to the EU (-$293 million)</strike><<endif>> [[Do you hear something?|Spend phase three]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 500000000>><<set $assassins = 1>>$500 million to counter-assassinate some people is probably budgeting a little high. Assassinations are cheaper than you'd think. You spend the leftover funds pushing through progressive gun control legislation. You know what's even cheaper to buy than assassins? Politicians. [[If only some rich person with a good moral compass would buy out Congre-- hey, wait.|Spend phase three]]

A loud crack fills the room, as finally your frantic family members and several bodyguards manage to break down the door to your bedroom. A few of your burlier relatives pin you down and take away your laptop. "Please, Uncle Bezos," begs a doe-eyed child who is probably actually not your nibling, crumbly Ghibli tears falling down their cheeks as you are tied to a chair. "You've left us with a mere <<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> dollars. Mother says we'll be ever so dest-it-tute if you do not cease your wretched spending." Do Jeff Bezos' extended family speak like Dickens characters? They do here. What do you say to the child? [[Sit them down and patiently explain why being a billionaire is immoral.|Didactic]] [[Show them Twitter. They'll end up just as socialist and it'll take less effort on your end.|Bad parenting]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 70000000000>><<set $borderwall = 1>>You pay for the US-Mexico Border Wall. High end estimates place construction costs at $70 billion, so you just cut the check for that. After the deal is done, you send all the workers on paid holiday and donate construction materials to actually worthy projects around the country. Any leftover funds are put toward dismantling ICE. [[nICE.|Spend round 4]]

<<set $Money to $Money + 10428660>>With your arms tied behind your back, you are left gesturing with your head, asking the sniffling, snot-nosed cherub to take a seat on your knee. They do. And while your family and hired strong men rifle through your belongings, trying to find a way to undo your recent financial transactions, you launch into your best, most heartfelt, age-appropriate lecture on ethics. It is light on theory and heavy on comparisons, but you manage to get across that in a world of such wealth as ours, for a select few to hold onto the vast majority of that wealth -- whether they "earned" it or not -- while others starve is neglecting our moral duty to one another. The child listens quietly and frowns. "Look," you say finally, "just watch The Good Place." Well, that sure took a while to reach a pretty basic media recommendation. And unfortunately, in the meantime you've earned $10,428,660. Maybe it would've been better to leave the childrearing to social media. [[Enough of this. Time to spend more of Jeff Bezos' fucking money.|Spend phase three 2]]

You'd love to show the child Twitter on your own, but tied up as you are, you're left with pointing toward the nearest unattended phone with your big toe. You give your young relative a list of accounts to follow. Within 30 minutes, they are an expert on both the Communist Manifesto and pro-wrestling. [[My work here is done. Back to spending Jeff Bezos' money.|Spend phase three 2]]

You put all that young blood you've injected to use and flex your arms as hard as you can. The ropes binding you to the chair literally burst into so many shreds of hemp. You stand, using a leg of the chair to beat back several bodyguards and distraught adult heirs. When you see a path open, you take it, fleeing into the city streets armed only with your bathrobe, a phone, and a small laptop. After escaping onto the subway, you spare a quick glance at your bank balance and find it still too large for your tastes. <<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)|Animal rescue 1]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)|Library 1]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)|Vidya 1]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)|Mythbusters 1]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)|Flint 1]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)</strike><<endif>>

<<set $Money to $Money - 303200>>You hole up in a dimly-lit cafe, where no one will question why Jeff Bezos is here in his bathrobe working on a laptop. To help ensure their silence, you pay the college educations of the three baristas on duty (-$303,000). You also tip well, because labor should be adequately compensated regardless of whether a service worker goes the extra mile for you (-$200). <<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)|Animal rescue 2]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)|Library 2]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)|Vidya 2]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)|Mythbusters 2]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)|Flint 2]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money lte 55000000>>[[Go to the bathroom|Coffee bathroom]]<<endif>>

A barista with a lip ring and an Imperator Furiosa tattoo brings you a second coffee. They tell you that what you're doing now doesn't make up for the years you, Jeff Bezos, have spent exploiting your workers and destroying rival businesses. You agree wholeheartedly, since it's not like they'll believe you if you explain you're just a rando stuck in Jeff Bezos' gross vampire body. <<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)|Animal rescue 3]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)|Library 3]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)|Vidya 3]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)|Mythbusters 3]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)|Flint 3]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money lte 55000000>>[[Go to the bathroom|Coffee bathroom 3]]<<endif>>

Sirens outside. You've learned from the TV that there is a warrant out for your arrest. For suspicion of fraud, which under the circumstances seems hilarious. Your barista allies shutter the blinds to the already darkened coffee shop. They decide to switch off the news and put on anime instead. <<if $Money gte 3000000>>[[Ooh, that reminds you. Let's bankroll a second season of Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun (-$3 million)|Anime]]<<else>><strike>Ooh, that reminds you. Let's bankroll a second season of Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun (-$3 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)|Animal rescue 4]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)|Library 4]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)|Vidya 4]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)|Mythbusters 4]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)|Flint 4]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money lte 55000000>>[[Go to the bathroom|Coffee bathroom 5]]<<endif>>

<<set $Money to $Money - 3000000>><<set $anime = 1>>Fans around the world rejoice! $3 million is a little high for one anime cour, but also Japanese animators are criminally overworked and underpaid, so you see that the remainder goes toward their salaries. [[よし.|Spend phase three 6]]

One of the baristas has given you away. It was an accident: they forgot they left location data on while tweeting on the #BezosIsBae hashtag. Before you know it, you have the entire local police force at the cafe's front door. You scan your list for something quick to spend some of Jeff Bezos' money on while the baristas arrange for your escape through the back. <<if ($animals eq 0) and ($Money gte 200000000)>>[[Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)|Animal rescue 5]]<<else>><strike>Fund 10 animal rescues for four years (-$200 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($library eq 0) and ($Money gte 150000000)>>[[Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)|Library 5]]<<else>><strike>Build 10 new public libraries (-$150 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($vidya eq 0) and ($Money gte 100000000)>>[[Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)|Vidya 5]]<<else>><strike>Finance 100 indie games (-$100 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($mythbusters eq 0) and ($Money gte 60000000)>>[[Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)|Mythbusters 5]]<<else>><strike>Reboot Mythbusters (-$60 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($buddies eq 0) and ($Money gte 57600000)>>[[Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)|Buddies student loans 5]]<<else>><strike>Pay off 1,000 graduate students' loans (-$57.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($flint eq 0) and ($Money gte 55000000)>>[[Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)|Flint 5]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)</strike><<endif>> [[There's no time!|Spend phase four]]

You and your barista accomplices race through the city's back streets, cannily avoiding police blockades and Amazon Locker locations. Twice you are nearly cut down by weaponized delivery drones, but you manage to dive out of their firing range just in time. The drones record you as KIA in their online tracking system anyway, thus buying you a precious few minutes. Huddled behind a dumpster, you find the barista with the lip ring has sustained a deep cut to their arm. [[Use your cleanest $100 bills to dress the wound (-$1000)|Dress wound]] [[Promise to pay the barista's hospital bill if it gets infected|Insult barista]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 150000000>><<set $library = 1>>The cost of a new public library can vary, but $15 million gets you a relatively fancy one. So obviously $150 million gets you 10 fancy ones! Any remainder ought to go toward maintaining the libraries, since you built them and all. [[Books are good.|Spend phase three 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 100000000>><<set $vidya = 1>>Let's be real, there are two kinds of independent games: the ones made by former AAA devs which often run into the millions and usually require outside investment, and stuff like this built in Twine. So postulating that you can fund 100 indie games for $1 million each is some wild-ass math. But let's say you fund, oh, 10 of those bigger games by industry veterans, and use the rest to support 200 small indies. Or maybe you don't fund any Kickstarter games and instead donate every last cent to your favorite avant-garde glitch grrl. Whatever you want, babe. It's your (Jeff Bezos') money. [[Take THAT, indiepocalypse.|Spend phase three 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 380000000>><<set $electoralcollege = 1>>Strictly speaking, the only thing necessary to abolish the United States' Electoral College is the vote and ratification of 3/4 of the union, or 38 states. And politicians? Are very cheap to purchase. An average Senate seat costs $10 million, but you can win over sitting senators for less than that. The House is a trickier proposition thanks to sheer numbers, but all you really need to do to make the whole thing work is convince Republicans that abolishing a slavery-era system and transitioning to a popular vote for major elections would totally own the libs. [[Sorry not sorry, Hamilton.|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 200000000>><<set $animals = 1>>For $5 million a year each, these aren't your run-of-the-mill animal shelters. These are full-featured rescues, focused on providing for abused former circus animals and "exotic pets." You know those videos testing whether tigers will sit in boxes and get high off catnip? That's the kind of rescue you're funding. <<if $Money eq 0>>[[Let the good times roll.|Early win]]<<else>>[[Let the good times roll.|Spend phase three 3]]<<endif>>

<<set $Money to $Money - 139000000000>><<set $puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria has done to Puerto Rico. It will still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring back the thousands of lives lost due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real recovery. At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking getting this one out of the way first. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though. [[Great. Let's see them.|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 57720000000>><<set $personaltaxes = 1>>Here's where we get into the dicey business of what "personal worth" is, and how that translates to taxable income. Answer: It usually doesn't, because rich people are master frauds and charlatans who exploit loopholes in tax code to avoid paying their fair share. Jeff Bezos is worth $156 billion? You're using the top tax bracket of 37% and paying out $57.72 billion of that. You'd pay 99%, but then this would be a very short simulator. [[Hooray for simple math.|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 22400000000>><<set $teachers = 1>>You hire 100,000 new teachers for a median salary of $58,000, covering their salary for the first four years of their hire. This comes in at around $22.4 billion for you, or about a third of the annual US education budget. In an interview, Betsy Devos praises your actions as the free market in action. In response, you lure her off to a remote area in the upper midwest, promising to show her a designer mansion with five different styles of windows. When she gets there, all she finds is an abandoned shack without plumbing and a distinct lack of yachts. [[A++|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 20000000000>><<set $homelessness = 1>>You eliminate homelessness in the United States. Every person living in the US now has the guarantee of a roof over their head. This costs you $20 billion, or a trivial 12.8% of your starting net worth. You still have $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>. [[I'll soon change that.|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 139000000000>><<set $puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria has done to Puerto Rico. It will still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring back the thousands of lives lost due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real recovery. At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking getting this one out of the way early. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though. [[Great. Let's see them.|Spend round 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 139000000000>><<set $puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria has done to Puerto Rico. It will still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring back the thousands of lives lost due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real recovery. At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking getting this one out of the way early. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though. [[Great. Let's see them.|Spend round 4]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 139000000000>><<set $puertorico = 1>>You repair every ounce of damage Hurricane Maria has done to Puerto Rico. It will still take some time to enact repairs, and nothing can be done to bring back the thousands of lives lost due to federal negligence, but the island is at last on its way to real recovery. At $139 billion, this action represents roughly the limit of your personal wealth. So good thinking getting this one out of the way early. There are still some smaller things you can take care of, though. [[Great. Let's see them.|Spend new menu]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 20000000000>><<set $nasa = 1>>Rather than squander your money on private space flight vanities, you put a solid $20 billion toward public astronautics, equal to NASA's annual budget. Mitch McConnell calls you, thanking you for saving Congress the trouble of paying for "that society of eggheads" for a year. You make very clear that the $20 billion is in addition to its federal allotment, and any attempt on Congress's end to slash the budget next year will mean all Congresspeople are banned forever from your private space cruises. This is a lie, of course. You've already dismantled your private space agency, and once Grimes convinces Elon it's the 420blazeit millennial thing to do, he'll follow suit as well. [[Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 15800000000>><<set $amazonsalaries = 1>>You double the median Amazon worker's salary from poverty-level $28,000/yr to $56,000/yr, much closer to the U.S. average. Your employees are able to lead lives with slightly more dignity. While you're at it, you implement progressive policies getting rid of timed bathroom breaks and those hilariously anti-union videos you've been forcing your employees to watch. The cost of this to you is so negligible I'm not even going to model it. [[Cool. What next?|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 2000000000>><<set $artists = 1>>You spend $2 billion funding 10,000 artists-in-residence at various museums, universities, and conservatories around the country. Each artist receives $50,000 a year for up to four years, allowing them to pursue creative endeavors unfettered by the oppressive shackles of capitalism. Your lawyers beg you to force the artists to wear a "sponsored by Amazon" badge on their shirts for every day of their residencies. It's the least the artists can do, they argue, in exchange for your generosity. You fire these lawyers and use their retainer fees to fund a few more artists. [[Nice.|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 293000000>><<set $EUtaxes = 1>>You pay Amazon's back taxes to the European Union, a trivial $293,000,000 (or €263,677,000). That's enough to host Eurovision eight times. [[Can't beat Lordi. OK, what next?|Spend new menu 2]]

You strap a few drones to the back of one of those horrifying Boston Dynamics dogs, which you were borrowing for some evil genius reason. That should take care of that. [[OK but I still hear something over by the door--|Spend phase three]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 57600000>><<set $buddies = 1>>The average graduate student has $57,600 in loan debt. Your friends are anything but average, of course, but you also probably don't have 1,000 of them, so $57.6 million should cover you either way. Plus a few hundred strangers. You spend any leftovers organizing a game studies conference, including covering transportation and hotel expenses for all speakers. Todd Harper does the opening keynote and Mattie Brice oversees the wine tasting session. [[No speakers over the age of 45.|Spend phase three 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 55000000>><<set $flint = 1>>You completely renovate the deteriorated water system of Flint, Michigan, freeing its residents from corporate serfdom to Nestle. This sets you back all of $55 million, or less than the cost of a single SpaceX rocket. [[Literally this should have happened years ago already.|Spend phase three 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 1000>>You literally throw money at the problem and tape together 10 printer-fresh $100 bills end to end, using them as a makeshift bandage around the barista's wound. They grimace. It's not a great way to dress a cut, but it's probably better than nothing, and they appreciate the fact you're trying, at least. [[Make a break for the sewers|Captured]]

You inform the barista that you will fully cover their medical expenses if that cut gets any worse. They give you a sour look and say nothing. It's clear they aren't impressed. [[Well, OK. Let's try to reach the sewers.|Captured]]

It's no use! Sewers actually aren't all that spacious, and also, manhole covers are really heavy! The police catch up to you while you are swearing and nursing your stubbed toe. Maybe you should've run out of your luxury apartment wearing something sturdier than slippers. You and your three barista allies are arrested on the spot. [[Oh.|Charges]]

You and your college-aged accomplices are each charged with resisting arrest, the most fascist bullshit charge. Additionally, you are charged with one count of destabilizing capitalism, while the three baristas are charged with pirating anime. <<if $Money gte 1000000>>[[Bribe the cops to let the baristas go (-$1 million)|Release baristas]]<<else>><strike>Bribe the cops to let the baristas go (-$1 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money gte 227000000>>[[Pay bail for baristas and everyone else in the city's jail system (-$227 million)|Bail jail]]<<else>><strike>Pay bail for baristas and everyone else in the city's jail system (-$227 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $Money lt 1000000>>[[Welp|Bail jail alt 2]]<<endif>>

<<set $Money to $Money - 1000000>>The cops don't so much as bat an eye before accepting your terms. They undo the three baristas' handcuffs and quietly destroy the forms they had started to fill out. The three baristas flee into the night, off to brew coffee and create latte foam art for many happy days to come. One of them -- the one with the lip ring -- looks back over their shoulder only once, locking eyes with you from where you still sit in the back of the squad car. Then they are gone. [[Off to jail I guess.|Bail jail alt]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 227000000>>You pay the cash bail for your three coffee-making accomplices, as well as the entire jail population of the city -- about 12,000 people. The police, catching wise, put your own bail at an absolutely unheard-of $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>. There's no way anyone would pay that! [[Pay the bail|Game over 1]] [[Demand to see your lawyer|Lawyer]]

<<set $Money to 0>>Well. Apparently one person would pay a bail like that, and that person is you, Jeff Bezos. There's a bit more paperwork involved, and of course a lot of waiting, but at the end of it, you are free. You walk down the front steps of the jail, brushing dirt from your bathrobe, bombarded left and right by cameras and journalists of every stripe. A car waits for you. Not your own -- It's Elon Musk's personal Tesla, and he's very cross with you right now. [[Get in the car|Game over 2]]

Because you are white and wealthy, the law works differently for you. You are granted a phone call to your lawyer. Unfortunately, you don't know the number to Jeff Bezos' lawyer, or even who they are. <<if $artists eq 1>>You recall talking to some lawyers, but you're pretty sure you fired those. <<endif>>You realize that if you're going to do anything with this one phone call, it should be something to try to get rid of as much of your remaining wealth as possible. What do you spend Jeff Bezos' money on? <<if $puertorico eq 0>>[[Donate all you have left toward rebuilding Puerto Rico|Donate PR end]]<<else>><strike>Repair Puerto Rico (-$139 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($personaltaxes eq 0)>>[[Pay off as much as you can of your taxes|Personal taxes end]]<<else>><strike>Pay personal taxes (-$57.72 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($teachers eq 0)>>[[Donate everything to the National Education Association|teachers end]]<<else>><strike>Hire 100,000 new teachers for four years each (-$22.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($homelessness eq 0)>>[[Put everything toward your local homeless shelter|Homelessness end]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness in the United States (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($nasa eq 0)>>[[Give it all to NASA|NASA end]]<<else>><strike>Fund NASA for a year (-$20 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($amazonsalaries eq 0)>>[[Pay all your Amazon employees a bonus|Amazon salaries end]]<<else>><strike>Double every Amazon employee's salary (-$15.8 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 0)>>[[Create an endowment for artists-in-residence|Artists end]]<<else>><strike>Support 10,000 artists in residence for four years each (-$2 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($flint eq 0)>>[[Put everything toward fixing the Flint Water Crisis|Flint end]]<<else>><strike>Fix the Flint Water Crisis (-$55 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if $anime eq 0>>[[Pay for your anime|Anime end]]<<else>><strike>Bankroll anime (-$3 million)</strike><<endif>> [[Fucking keep it, I'll represent myself|Bad end]]

You donate everything you have left toward rebuilding Puerto Rico. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>The sum is significant and goes some ways toward the island's recovery. It won't fix everything, but it helps, and you can be sure the funds won't go to waste.<<else>>All donations are welcome, of course, but you can't help but feel you could've been more useful if you had prioritized better.<<endif>> <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You spend your remaining wealth paying your taxes. <<if $Money gte 57720000000>>Not only do you have enough to cover everything you actually owe (based on some very quick and dirty math), but you decide to just go ahead and give the federal government everything else while you're at it.<<else>>It's not enough to actually cover everything you owe (based on some admittedly shoddy math), but it's officially more than the squatter in the White House has paid lately.<<endif>> And as loathesome as it may seem to pay taxes in this kleptocracy, the majority of tax collected still goes toward social services, for whatever peace of mind that's worth. <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You donate everything you have left to the National Educational Association, the largest teachers' union in the United States. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>Being teachers, the union is completely unaccustomed to getting money for things, much less this much.<<else>>It isn't much, but teachers in this country are unfortunately used to accepting crumbs.<<endif>> While the money can't go directly toward hiring new teachers, you'll be bolstering the union and you trust they'll use the money responsibly. <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You donate your remaining wealth to a local homeless shelter, who are more than happy to accept it. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>The folks on the phone can't believe their ears when you tell them the amount.<<else>>It's not the largest check you could write, but every little bit helps.<<endif>> <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You call up NASA and donate every last penny of your personal wealth. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>After years of budget cuts and getting generally shortchanged by an anti-science government, the agency is of course all too thrilled to accept. Congrats: You've made a meaningful contribution to space exploration that wasn't just based on your own fucking vanity.<<else>>It isn't the largest donation ever made in the name of space exploration, but you want to believe you've helped do your bit, at least.<<endif>> <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You call up your most senior vice president at Amazon (whose number you only remember because of how many times they called you today) and tell them to split the remains of your wealth among your approximately half a million employees, as well as many contractors as you can afford. <<if $Money gte 15800000000>>A salary bump for the long term would've been better, but getting about a year's salary all at once as an early holiday bonus isn't the worst thing in the world.<<else>>In true Jeff Bezos fashion, you're shortchanging them again, but at least it's better than nothing.<<endif>> <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You call up your alma mater or equivalent and request the creation of a new artists' endowment. <<if $Money gte 1000000000>>The fund will contribute significantly to supporting individual artists by relieving them of the task to monetize their creativity for at least a short while.<<else>>It isn't the biggest arts fund ever, but the chairperson you speak with assures you that other "like-minded" billionaires will surely follow suit to match your donation. So that's a start.<<endif>> <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You put your remaining wealth toward addressing the Flint Water Crisis. <<if $Money gte 55000000>>The cost of repairing the town's water system is so trivial, it's a wonder countless others haven't already stepped up to do so.<<else>>It isn't quite enough to completely cover the town's new water system, but it's more than what others are doing, and unlike certain other billionaires you don't try to 'innovate' a cheaper solution.<<endif>> <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

You spend all your money on anime. This seems appropriate. <<set $Money to 0>>After finishing your phone call, you return quietly to your cell. If #BezosIsBae is still trending on Twitter, you're sure someone is raising money for your legal fees right now, but you absolutely refuse to use it. There is nothing more that you can do for now. [[Wait.|Transform]]

Unfortunately, no amount of legal self-defense can overcome a charge like "high treason by undermining capitalism." You are found guilty on all counts and sentenced to the harshest punishment society can bestow upon a wealthy white man. Go on. Guess what it is. [[Uh.|That's the joke]]

<<set $ending_neutral to 1>>You ride in silence for several miles. "So," Elon says at last, eyes straight ahead, voice even. "That was a hell of a bender you went on today, my friend." <<if $endcondition eq 1>>Did I say at the beginning you would return to your original body after you spent all of Jeff Bezos' money? That was actually just a wild guess.<<else>>Were you expecting something to happen once you spent all of Jeff Bezos' money?<<endif>> Maybe you fucked it up by blowing everything you had left on your own well-being rather than someone else. Or maybe you were always doomed to remain in gross vampire man's body, no matter what you did. "Yeah," you say absently, with Jeff Bezos' vocal cords. "Don't worry," Elon assures you. He sounds kind, empathetic. I have been in your shoes, the voice says. You wonder about the implications of that. "We can totally start a GoFundMe for you now." <center>NEUTRAL END [[Credits|Works Referenced]] [[Play again|Intro]]</center>

You wait. There is little else to do. You sit and contemplate your (admittedly brief) existence as Jeff Bezos. The unimaginable wealth you struggled to spend. The problems that lay outside even your ability to fix. Was it really worth anything at all, to rid the world of one man's billions? Was this really the best you could do? With this thought in your head, you lie down on your hard jail bunk, and slowly, you drift off to sleep. [[...|Fake intro]]

At in-processing, your bail is set at outrageous $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>. It seems the cops have caught wise and intend to either squeeze you for all you're worth or at least ensure you can't give any more of your money away. [[Pay the bail|Game over 1]] [[Demand to speak with your lawyer|Lawyer]]

YEAH IT'S FUCKING NOTHING. You get a suspended sentence and a handshake from the judge. Sorry, did you forget you were Jeff Bezos? [[Sigh.|Bad luck bozo]]

<<set $ending_bad to 1>>Outside on the courthouse steps, your legions of admirers greet you with the results of their GoFundMe campaign, put together to cover the legal fees you didn't actually incur. Peter Thiel is there to personally present you with the check. When you see the value, all the injected young people's blood drains from your face. The check is for $156,000,000,000. Around you, your supporters and fellow billionaires cheer. Somewhere in the crowd, a gaggle of college libertarians strike up a chord of "We Shall Overcome." You weep. The tears flow freely down your face. Peter misinterprets your reaction as gratitude and wraps you up in a massive, warm hug. [[You are still Jeff Bezos.|Intro]] <center>BAD END</center>

When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin. [[You are Elon Musk.|True end]]

<<set $ending_true to 1>><center><large>TRUE END</large> [[Credits|Works Referenced]]</center>

<center>WORKS REFERENCED</center> Dean, Sam. "How much does it cost to host the Eurovision Song Contest and is it worth it?" The Telegraph. May 13, 2016. <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2016/05/13/how-much-does-it-cost-eurovision-song-contest-and-is-it-worth-it/" target="_blank">Link.</a> Florido, Adrian. "Puerto Rico Estimates It Will Cost $139 Billion to Fully Recover From Hurricane Maria." NPR. August 9, 2018. <a href="https://www.npr.org/2018/08/09/637230089/puerto-rico-estimates-it-will-cost-139-billion-to-fully-recover-from-hurricane-m" target="_blank">Link.</a> Frumin, Aliyah. "How much does it cost to win a seat in Congress? If you have to ask..." MSNBC. March 11, 2013. <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/hardball/how-much-does-it-cost-win-seat-congre" target="_blank">Link.</a> Funes, Yessenia. "After Public Backlash, Nestle Will Give Flint More Water." Gizmodo. May 11, 2018. <a href="https://earther.gizmodo.com/after-public-backlash-nestle-will-give-flint-more-wate-1825953989" target="_blank">Link.</a> Gillies, Trent. "Flint's crisis can be fixed with $55M in new pipes: Lansing mayor." CNBC. April 24, 2016. <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2016/04/22/flints-crisis-can-be-fixed-with-55m-in-new-pipes-lansing-mayor.html" target="_blank">Link.</a> Kavoussi, Bonnie. "U.S. Could End Homelessness With Money Used To Buy Christmas Decorations." Huffington Post. December 6, 2017. <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/11/homelessness-christmas-decorations_n_2276536.html" target="_blank">Link.</a> Keyes, Scott and Josh Israel. "How Much Does It Cost To Buy A Senate Seat? Less Than You Think." ThinkProgress. October 3, 2012. <a href="https://thinkprogress.org/exclusive-how-much-does-it-cost-to-buy-a-senate-seat-less-than-you-think-467380dedc43/" target="_blank">Link.</a> Kottasova, Ivana. "Europe hits Amazon with tax bill of nearly $300 million." CNN Money. October 4, 2017. <a href="https://money.cnn.com/2017/10/04/news/amazon-eu-tax-luxembourg/index.html" target="_blank">Link.</a> Meyer, Cynthia. "Is Taking Student Loans for Graduate School Worth It?" Forbes. July 1, 2018. <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/financialfinesse/2018/07/01/is-taking-student-loans-for-graduate-school-worth-it/#24c22cad22bd" target="_blank">Link.</a> Molteni, Megan. "Startups Flock to Turn Young Blood into An Elixir of Youth." Wired. September 5, 2018. <a href="https://www.wired.com/story/startups-flock-to-turn-young-blood-into-an-elixir-of-youth/" target="_blank">Link.</a> Nixon, Ron. "Border Wall Could Cost 3 Times Estimates, Senate Democrats' Report Says." New York Times. April 18, 2017. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/18/us/politics/senate-democrats-border-wall-cost-trump.html" target="_blank">Link.</a> Ovide, Shira. "Amazon Is Defined by Billions and Millions; Median Salary is $28,446." Bloomberg. April 19, 2018. <a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/gadfly/articles/2018-04-19/amazon-is-defined-by-billions-median-salary-is-28-446" target="_blank">Link.</a> "Policy Basics: Where Do Our Federal Tax Dollars Go?" Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. October 4, 2017. <a href="https://www.cbpp.org/research/federal-budget/policy-basics-where-do-our-federal-tax-dollars-go" target="_blank">Link.</a> Rastogi, Nina Shen. "Dirty Deeds Done Cheap." Slate. February 26, 2009. <a href="https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2009/02/how-much-does-it-cost-to-put-a-hit-on-someone.html" target="_blank">Link.</a> Stimson, Eric. "Anime Insiders Share How Much Producing a Season Costs." Anime News Network. August 13, 2015. <a href="https://www.animenewsnetwork.com/interest/2015-08-13/anime-insiders-share-how-much-producing-a-season-costs/.91536" target="_blank">Link.</a> Tuttle, Brad. "Here's How Much It Costs for Elon Musk to Launch a SpaceX Rocket." Time Money. February 6, 2018. <a href="http://time.com/money/5135565/elon-musk-falcon-heavy-rocket-launch-cost/" target="_blank">Link.</a> Wagner, Kurt. "Why Amazon should buy Twitter." Recode. September 30, 2017. <a href="https://www.recode.net/2017/9/30/16012450/amazon-twitter-acquisition-merger-advertising-jeff-bezos" target="_blank">Link.</a> "What's the Price for a College Education?" CollegeData. Retrieved October 17, 2018. <a href="https://www.collegedata.com/cs/content/content_payarticle_tmpl.jhtml?articleId=10064" target="_blank">Link.</a> <center>[[Back to start|Intro]]</center>

...Wait, did you actually get your money to zero? [[Seems like it|Early win 2]]

I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't design for that. You should literally not be able to do this. [[Sorry?|Early win 3]]

NO DON'T APOLOGIZE THIS IS WONDERFUL. You spent all of Jeff Bezos' fucking money! Come over here. I have something to show you. [[Al.. all right...?|Early win 4]] [[No thanks, I'd like to continue playing the normal route (+$1 billion)|Route return]]

You pull back a curtain at the back of the subway car to find yourself in a strange control room, full of illuminated monitors and levers the purpose for which you could not guess. On the screens you see... yourself, or rather your current self, bald and glossy in an expensive bathrobe. Seated at the main terminal, dwarfed by their high-backed leather chair, is a single hedgehog. Not the blue and sassy type; just the regular kind. "Welcome to my workshop," I say, from the chair. Because that's me. The hedgehog. "Congratulations. You are the first test subject to ever make it to this place." [[Pet the hedgehog|Pet hedgehog]] [[Are you the reason I'm in Jeff Bezos' body?|Early win 5]]

I indulge your attempts to pet me, although really, I would've preferred if you had asked first. My quills are pokey but not painful, a bit like touching a scrub brush. [[Thanks. Just had to get that out of the way.|Pet hedgehog 2]]

"Correct! Well, technically, you opted into it yourself when you clicked the first link at the beginning of the game." I scrub at my twitching face with a little paw. "But I have to say, I'm impressed. Usually it isn't possible for a player to actually zero out their funds this early on. You're something special. So, I have a proposition for you." [[Oh god. Don't make me run your creepy chocolate factory.|Early win 6]]

"Look, I get it," I say. "Anyone who puts a cuddly animal in a game and doesn't let you pet it is a total monster. But also please don't touch sapient creatures without their consent." [[Sorry.|Pet hedgehog 3]]

"I'll look past it this time. I mean, these are unusual circumstances." [[So you're the reason I'm in this gross vampire man's body?|Early win 5]]

"Oh christ, no," says the hedgehog, which is me. "No, no, no. I'm talking about getting you out of that guy's body. <<if $endcondition eq 1>>I know I said in the beginning that wiping out Bezos' money would disintegrate his physical form and free you, but the truth is, I was just making shit up as I went. <<endif>>What usually happens with a test subject when they run out of money is I either reset them or transfer them to another billionaire." "Hold on," you say, "<<if $endcondition eq 1>>so you lied to me? To... <<endif>>how many people did you say you'd done this to?" "More people than there are billionaires at this point. Listen, time is sort of weird here." [[But WHY?|Early win 7]]

I raise both my tiny paws into the air. "TO SPEND ALL OF JEFF BEZOS' FUCKING MONEY," I intone. "Do I actually need another reason?" That's a fair point. "I expected like five, maybe ten people to wander into this simulation, and instead I've got tens of thousands of you to handle," I continue. "This is my first published game, you know? I kind of just wanted to write something funny for my friends. But now you've gone and broken the simulator by being too good at the thing I was asking you to do." [[That's not MY fault.|Early win 8]]

"And that's why I've got a proposition for you!" I gesture toward the monitors behind me. "I'm giving you a choice of which body you want to end up in. Anyone, billionaire or not, public figure or not. It just can't be your own." [[Sure, OK.|Early win 9]] [[But I just want to go home.|Original body]]

"Great. I'm so glad you see it my way here." I scrabble up onto the main terminal, back feet kicking in the air in a hilarious way for a moment as I claw for leverage. Then I set about flipping some switches. Above us, the glowing monitors flicker, and the surveillance shots of Jeff Bezos are replaced by a gallery of different faces. "All right," I say. "Same rules apply as Bezos: their net wealth will be your net wealth; nothing you say or do will convince that person's friends and family you aren't who you appear to be." [[I pick Elon Musk.|Pick Elon]] [[Let's do one of the Koch brothers.|Pick Koch]] [[Mark Zuckerberg, I guess?|Pick Zuckerberg]] [[I'll go with Bill Gates.|Pick Gates]] [[Uh, the squatter in the White House.|Pick Trump]] [[Wait, you're just trying to stick me inside another billionaire!|Called out]]

"Oh," I say, looking about as sheepish as a hedgehog can look. "Well, uh, you can't. I sort of had to disintegrate your real body in order to put you in Jeff Bezos." [[WHAT?!|Original body 2]]

"Well, think about it! If I didn't, he would be out there spending your money right now! Did you want that?" [[My body and I may have had some disagreements but I'd still prefer it to being another gross billionaire!|Original body 3]] [[You know what, fine. Put me in a new body then.|Early win 9]]

"Oh yeah, it's so difficult, having more money than the GDP of some entire countries," I say, narrowing my beady black rodent eyes. "Look, your body is gone, I can't undo that. I could stick you into the body of someone else in your old life if you want? A sibling, a significant other? A pet?" [[But what happens to them?|Original body 4]]

"Well... You know that movie Get Out?" [[Oh jesus god.|Original body 5]]

"Yep. So uh, Bezos has actually been aware the whole time you've been in his body. Just imagine him watching, helpless, as you chip away at his vast fortune." [[I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.|Original body 6]]

"YOU LITERALLY ASKED FOR THIS WHEN YOU CLICKED THE LINK," I say, stamping a small paw on the arm of my chair. "It's too late to feel sorry for the vampire now." [[Fine, I guess. Put me in someone else's body.|Early win 9]] [[Can't I at least get a robot body?|Robot body]]

"I mean, I guess, yeah, if you don't mind Moore's Law and planned obsolescence and missing half the physiological input that makes you human--" [[DETAILS. GIMME ROBOT BODY.|Robot body 2]] [[Yeah no, let's see my flesh options, I guess.|Early win 9]]

<<set $secretelon = 1>>"Huh," I say. "Really? I mean... I'm not complaining. It's just that's kind of already covered under the True End?" You shrug. The dude's easy to hate. "Oh, well." I nudge a switch with my little rodent nose. "Go ahead and lie down over there and we'll get started." [[Heck yeah, time to date Grimes and shitpost on Twitter.|Early win slab]]

<<set $secretkoch = 1>>"Which Koch brother?" I, the hedgehog, ask. You shrug. It doesn't really matter, does it? "Well, fine. I'll just pick one, I guess." I use my bony, eerily sapien little paws to flip a couple switches on the terminal. "Go lie down and we'll get started." [[Great. Time to own the lib(ertarian)s.|Early win slab]]

<<set $secretzuckerberg = 1>>"A little conventional, but not bad," I note with approval. You roll your eyes. You don't need your life choices interrogated by a hedgehog. Which, well, fair enough. "Go lie down over there and I'll start the transfer." [[Time to put the 'the' back in Facebook.|Early win slab]]

<<set $secretgates = 1>>"Ah, the oldschool choice," I say, flipping a few levers on the main command terminal. "I'll let you in on a little secret, I was reluctant to write him into this simulation at first because he and his wife kinda feel like the best of a bad lot? But they're still billionaires, so." Yep. Exactly. So. "Well, go lie down and we'll get started." [[I have so many badly compressed gifs from the 90s prepared for this moment.|Early win slab]]

<<set $secrettrump = 1>>"Incidentally," you say, as I scurry over the console flipping switches and pressing buttons, "is there a reason you haven't referred to the guy by name once in this whole simulator thing?" "Names have power," I answer. "And he's not worth any. Sometimes it feels like we've all forgotten he wasn't even legitimately elected. Anyway, if you're sure you want to do this, I'm all ready to go over here. Go lie down and we'll start the transfer." [[I can't say I'm actually excited about this but all right.|Early win slab]]

How does a hedgehog look guilty? I'm not sure, but I'm managing it, apparently. "You got me," I admit. "This ending was really just designed to gauge interest in a sequel." [[Can't I just be a cat or something??|Cat body]]

I sigh, which, as a hedgehog, is extremely adorable. "You got it, kid," I say, sounding put-upon. "Go lie down on that operating table over there and I'll start the mind transfer. When you wake up, you'll be in your very own robot body." [[Sweet!|Robot body 3]]

You lie down on the operating slab as instructed. I scurry out of your range of vision, fiddling with buttons and levers. As you relax against the metal table, you find your eyelids growing heavy. In seconds, you have drifted off into unconsciousness. [[~*~|Robot body 4]]

When you wake up this morning from a terrifying black dreamless void, you find yourself changed in your bed into a headless, eyeless, four-legged assembly of gyros and motion sensors. [[You are a Boston Dynamics dog.|Big no]]

<<set $ending_secret3 to 1>>Maybe you should've been more specific about the type of robot body you wanted to inhabit. Tongueless, lungless, incapable of speech, your silent screams of "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" go unheard as scientists 'humorously' trip you and knock you off-balance for viral video clicks for the rest of your existence. Your unseeing plastic googly eyes wobble towards cameras you cannot perceive, asking for a merciful death you will never be granted. <center>SECRET END 3 [[Credits|Works Referenced]]</center>

"Pfft. Okay, furry." [[You are LITERALLY A HEDGEHOG.|Cat body 2]]

"A stylistic choice," I say, with a paw flourish. "My actual fursona is an okapi. But fine, you really wanna be a cat? That's easy enough. Just lie down on that operating slab over there and I'll get the mind transfer started." [[Wait, I changed my mind. I'll be a billionaire after all.|Billionaire selection 2]] [[Meow.|Cat body 3]]

It's not really what you thought you were signing up for, but you guess it's nice to have some agency at the end of this, right? Which billionaire do you inhabit? [[Elon Musk|Pick Elon]] [[A Koch brother|Pick Koch]] [[Mark Zuckerberg|Pick Zuckerberg]] [[Bill Gates|Pick Gates]] [[The monstrous vermin in the White House|Pick Trump]]

You drop yourself down on the operating table as I, a hedgehog, scurry over the complicated computer terminals, flipping switches and adjusting dials with a degree of precision which shouldn't be possible given my tiny rodent fingers. As you lay under the strong halogen lights, you find your body grow sluggish and heavy. Within a minute, you've drifted off to sleep. [[Mrrp|Cat body end]]

When you wake up this morning from bird chasing dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a pint-sized vermin-catcher. [[You are a cat.|Cat body end 2]]

<<set $ending_secret2 to 1>>Perhaps you should've asked what was going to happen to your theory of mind once it was crammed into a house cat's skull. As the last of your human consciousness fades, you lose any concept you once had of money or property. You roll onto your back, stretching your paws in the air, enjoying the sunbeam falling upon you. Later, perhaps you will knock something off a table. <center>SECRET END 2 [[Credits|Works Referenced]]</center>

<<if $secretelon eq 1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin. [[You are Elon Musk, but like, of your own volition this time.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<if $secretkoch eq 1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin. [[You are Charles Koch.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<if $secretzuckerberg eq 1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin. [[You are Mark Zuckerberg.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<if $secretgates eq 1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a surprisingly likable vermin (but still vermin). [[You are Bill Gates.|Secret end final]]<<endif>><<if $secrettrump eq 1>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a festering pile of garbage upon which other monstrous vermin feed. [[You are Donald Trump.|Secret end final]]<<endif>>

<<set $ending_secret1 to 1>><center>SECRET END 1 [[Credits|Works Referenced]]</center>

<<if $bathroom eq 1>>YOU CAN'T KEEP GOING TO THE BATHROOM TO EARN MONEY IN THIS GAME THAT'S NOT HOW IT W-- oh, fine, coffee is a diuretic, I guess I'll give you this one. But make it quick.<<else>>To be fair, coffee is a diuretic. But try to be quick about it, will you?<<endif>> [[Take for-fucking-ever|Coffee bathroom 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money + 60000000>>Despite my clear instructions, and the fact you're in a coffee shop bathroom and there are other customers, you take your damn time in there. By the time you flush<<if $bathroom eq 1>> (again)<<endif>>, you've earned $60,000,000. I'll let you do the math. [[Ahhhh.|Spend phase three 5]]

<<set $Money to $Money + 1000000000>>Suit yourself. But here, take a little cash injection to get you through the rest of the game. [[Cheers|Spend phase three 3]]

You head over to the operating slab I, the hedgehog, have indicated, lying down under the oppressive halogen lights. Fatigue seeps into your body almost the instant you lie down. It doesn't even take a minute for you to fall asleep. [[***|Secret end]]

At jail, the police put your bail at an absolutely unheard-of $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>. There's no way anyone would pay that! [[Pay the bail|Game over 1]] [[Demand to see your lawyer|Lawyer]]

This page shows which of the game's endings you have unlocked. There are six in total. <ul><li><<if $ending_true eq 1>>True Ending - You Are Elon Musk ✔<<else>>True Ending<<endif>></li> <li><<if $ending_neutral eq 1>>Neutral Ending - Hell of a Bender ✔<<else>>Neutral Ending<<endif>></li> <li><<if $ending_bad eq 1>>Bad Ending - Groundhog (Prime) Day ✔<<else>>Bad Ending<<endif>></li> <li><<if $ending_secret1 eq 1>>Secret Ending 1 - A Hell of My Own Choosing ✔<<else>>Secret Ending 1<<endif>></li> <li><<if $ending_secret2 eq 1>>Secret Ending 2 - Toxoplasmosis Jones ✔<<else>>Secret Ending 2<<endif>></li> <li><<if $ending_secret3 eq 1>>Secret Ending 3 - I Have No Muzzle and I Must Scream ✔<<else>>Secret Ending 3<<endif>></li></ul> [[Back|Intro]]