Gay Farmer

(set: $playerName to "The Gay Farmer") (set: $farmName to "Big Gay Farm") it's been four years since you [moved here]<c1| (click: ?c1)[(t8n: "dissolve")[since you decided to leave the city behind and become a [gay farmer]<c2|]] (click: ?c2)[(t8n: "dissolve")[looking back now, you know [without a doubt]<c3|]] (click: ?c3)[(t8n: "dissolve")[[[it's the best decision you've ever made.|title]]]]

(display: "title image") (live: 1s)[(t8n: "dissolve")[a game by Jenn Kaplan(stop:)]] (live: 2s)[(t8n: "dissolve")[[[let's go|name]](stop:)]]

In the time you've spent as a Gay Farmer, you've managed to build up a pretty respectable farm. You're not rich by any means, but you make a comfortable living. $farmName generally pays for itself and you've always got [[food on the table|food]].

So I can call you the right thing, [what's your name]<n1|? (click: ?n1)[(set: $playerName to prompt("What's your name?", $playerName))[OK, so you're [$playerName]<n2|.]] (click: ?n2)[What's your [farm's name]<n3|?] (click: ?n3)[(set: $farmName to prompt("What's your farm's name?", $farmName))[Alright, so you own [$farmName]<n4|.]] (click: ?n4)[That's all I need to know. Let's [[keep going|start]].]

It's the start of a new season and it's up to you to pick the crops. What would you rather grow? * [[Corn]] * [[Weed]]

(set: $cropUpper to "Corn") (set: $cropLower to "corn") Yellow corn is an important food staple all over the world. Thanks to recent advances in alternative-fuel, corn can also be used as a fuel source, a key ingredient in the creation of ethanol fuel. Additionally, corn can be used to make bio-degradable plastics. Corn is great! Growing corn is great!!!!! You should definitely grow some corn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But first, you've gotta [[buy the seeds|Buy Seeds]].

(set: $cropUpper to "Weed") (set: $cropLower to "weed") wooooooo hell yeah bruh we bout to get lit growing and selling this dank (display: "weed names"). everyone loves that (display: "weed names") so we'll get rich as heck growing and selling that sweet sweet (display: "weed names") Fortunately, you had the foresight to start $farmName in a state where it's legal to grow (display: "weed names"). Nice planning!!!!! I'm excited to get started, but first we need to [[get some seeds|buyWeed]].

There's a few ways to buy corn. You can either go to the local [[Seeds Merchant]] or [[buy your seeds online]].

The internet is scary and real life isn't. You hop in your car and [[drive into town]].

Since you're a fan of Internet Corn, you decide to make your seed purchase online. This is no problem for an experienced gay farmer such as yourself. You already have a SEEDZONE PRIME account from when you were in college. With their new DRONE DELIVERY option, you can have your seeds in seconds! It sure is a great time to be alive and also a gay farmer! [[(display: "buy it now button")|buy it now]]

You don't know anyone to buy (display: "weed names") from out here in the Rural part of wherever $farmName is. FORTUNATELY THOUGH you have internet and you know how to use the internet. You've heard rumblings about the "deep web" and you think that might be a good place to get some (display: "weed names") to start your crop! You fire up your web browser to [[download the weed|weed1]].

(display: "weedbizheader") <h1>weed.biz</h1> <h2><em>the best place to buy (display: "weed names") on the deep web or your money back</em></h2> [[buy some (display: "weed names")|weed2]] (display: "weedbizfooter")

(display: "weedbizheader") <h1>this is where you buy the (display: "weed names")</h1> real quick tho b/c i have to ask are you a cop? [[yes I am a cop|yesCop]] [[no I am not a cop|noCop]] (display: "weedbizfooter")

(display: "weedbizheader") <h1>you are not welcome here please leave</h1> (display: "weedbizfooter") [[refresh and try again|weed1]]

(display: "weedbizheader") ok cool yeah bro i got u just send me some bitcoins and i'll mail it to u (display: "weedbizfooter") [[Send the Bitcoins|bitcoins]]

You open up your trusty bitcoin wallet and scan the Weedman's wallet address QR code. Shortly after receiving the required 10 confirmations, you hear a knock at your door. [[SHIT IT'S THE COPS HIDE|hide]] [[nah it's probably fine|checkTheDoor]]

(set: $hid to 1) You dive under your computer desk so that the cops won't see you. You hear more knocking and then: "HELLO it's UPS I have a package for you" [[well if they were cops they'd have to say they're cops so it's probably OK to go check the door now|checkTheDoor]]

You walk over to the front door and open it. A Man In Brown hands you a package that smells like the dankest (display: "weed names") you've ever seen. You thank him, close the door, and [[rip the box open|open dat weeed]]. (if: $hid is 1)[You're not sure why you tried to hide from the cops. (display: "weed names") is legal here. Whatever.]

You're immediately intoxicated by the smell of sweet (display: "weed names"). A label on the bag tells you this is a strain called "(display: "weed names")". You can tell that this isn't false advertising. You need to pull the seeds from these beautiful buds so that you can actually grow the (display: "weed names"). [[well let's do it I guess|pull the seeds]]

It turns out that these few buds contain enough seeds to plant your entire farm! What are the odds! [[may as well plant them|Plant Seeds]]

The button does what it says and within minutes you hear a 5lb sack fall down your chimney. Dropping a whole bag of seeds on your house probably isn't the best delivery system but the drones don't have great battery life and this is the best they can do so please stop complaining. [[ok I'm sorry|apologize]]

You plant your $cropUpper and wait through the growing season. During that time, you rediscover your favorite non-farming interests and feel great about what you've accomplished. At the start of the harvest, you're flabbergasted by the output of your crops! YOU GREW SO MUCH! This will DEFINITELY be more than enough to keep you going through the next season. You're Gay and you're a Farmer and these are literally the best things to be so you probably have the best life. I am proud of you. [[the end|credits]]

Gay Farmer was made by Jenn Kaplan based on an idea by <a href="https://twitter.com/costcocasket">Dolly Moody</a>. You can follow Jenn on Twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/jkap">@jkap</a> or you can email her at me@jkap.io Thanks to <a href="https://twitter.com/satanandsolomon">Solomon Fletcher</a> for designing the cover image even though I drew it myself. Special thanks to @ardaniel, @supercargautier, @PyronIkari, @LindsayPavlas, @POSIndustries, @Tcherkassky, @theindigi, @J_Marshak, @pattheflip, @Bearphomet66, @MittyMandi, @rollingintrash, @IanJay, and @AmanitaZest for helping come up with weed names for that part of the game. Thank you to <a href="https://twitter.com/auntiepixelante">Anna Anthropy</a> and her book "Make your First Videogame in Twine." You should support <a href="http://www.patreon.com/queenofspace">her Patreon</a>. Thank you for playing Gay Farmer. You can [[play again|intro]] if you want.

(set: $weedNames to (array:"Ontario Joe's Stank Eagle","Dr. Green", "Breakfast","Jazz Cigarettes","Reefer","Spaceman Spliff","Diaper Jazz","Extra Strength Tylenol","Circus Tickets","Dank Memes","Dank Kush","Library Candy","Boom Pencils","Slam Dunk","Daniel Tosh","The Devil's Lettuce","Cannabis","Marijuana","Blaze Heatnix","Shitposting","Stank Grass","Dank Nugs","Bazinga","Wacky Tobacky","Stocking Stuffers"))(set: $x to (random: 0,$weedNames.length-1))(print: $weedNames[$x])

That wasn't really needed, but I appreciate it anyway. OK so you've got a lot of seeds now. That's pretty good!! I guess we should plant them??? [[yeah that makes sense|Plant Seeds]]

It's a fairly long drive to the Seeds Merchant. You live pretty far outside town and the Seeds Merchant is right smack dab in the middle of the town square. Also you still have a town square. [[It's delightful|town square]].

You roll up to the Seeds Merchant's place and find a parking space with no difficulty. You [[go inside]].

As your eyes adjust to the dim light inside the Seeds Merchant's Merchant Shop, you hear a voice call out from the back of the shop. "How's my favorite gay farmer doing?" [[HELLO MR. SEEDS I AM GREAT AND I HOPE YOU ARE ALSO GREAT|great]] [[wait do you even have more than one gay farmer?|multiple]]

He smiles, he old-ass wrinkly face curling pleasantly. "That's good. I'm glad you're doing well." He's old and doesn't really realize that you probably shouldn't call out everyone who is gay but he's always been nice and he holds absolutely no ill will towards you. [[Let's get to business. I've got a Need for Seeds: Underground 2|buy the seeds]]

He smiles, he old-ass wrinkly face curling pleasantly. "No, but even if I did you'd be my favorite." He's old and doesn't really realize that you probably shouldn't call out everyone who is gay but he's always been nice and he holds absolutely no ill will towards you. [[Let's get to business. I've got a Need for Seeds: Underground 2|buy the seeds]]

He clearly doesn't recognize your super clever and original Video Games reference, but it's OK. "Well, the good news is that's kind of my thing. What do you need?" [[CORN|buy the corn seeds]]

"Corn? Sure." He grabs a loose handful of seeds from his pocket and lets them flow into your hands. It's kinda gross. Whatever, these are gonna be in dirt and have poop on them anyway so it's not like it matters that much. "Is that all for you today?" [[Yep, that's it]]

You hand him your credit card and he rings you up for these seeds you bought. You walk back towards your car and start the [[drive back to $farmName|drive home]].

You arrive back home with the new seeds in hand. You figure now's as good a time as any to plant them. [[Sure, why not|Plant Seeds]].