Social Distancing

YOU ARE IN ANIME HIGH SCHOOL, OR 'COLLEGE' AS IT IS OTHERWISE KNOWN. YOU AND ALL OF YOUR PEERS ARE 21 BUT STILL STUDYING FULL TIME, MAJORING IN AN UNDEFINED SUBJECT THAT IS OUTSIDE THE SCOPE OF THIS DATING SIM. YOUR CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART, COVID19-CHAN, HAS FINALLY BEGUN TO NOTICE YOU. UNFORTUNATELY, COVID19-CHAN IS ALSO A HIGHLY INFECTIOUS PATHOGEN. LISTEN, WE ALL HAVE COPING MECHANISMS AND THIS ONE IS MINE. ANYWAY, YOU DESPERATELY WANT COVID19-CHAN'S APPROVAL AND ATTENTION, BUT ALSO, IF YOU GET ANY CLOSER THAN 1.5 METERS, YOU WILL DEFINITELY DIE. THE PRINCIPAL OF THE SCHOOL, WHO IS A VISIBLY MIDDLE AGED 30 YEAR OLD MAN IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE SACRED ANIME SCRIPTURES, HAS ANNOUNCED THAT SCHOOL IS CLOSING AT THE END OF THE WEEK AND HAS PRODUCED A NEW SCHOOL SCHEDULE THAT CRAMS AS MUCH OF THE SCHOOL'S YEARLY EVENTS INTO FIVE DAYS AS IS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. MONDAY IS A CHERRY BLOSSOM FESTIVAL, WHICH WILL BE AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY TO ESTABLISH EVERYONE'S CHARACTERS AND BECOME MORE FAMILIAR WITH THE SETTING AND PREMISE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS THEMSELVES WILL NOT BE HERE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. THE STUDENT BODY AND FACULTY HAVE DECIDED TO POLITELY IGNORE THIS ISSUE, GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. TUESDAY IS THE SPORTS FESTIVAL, FOR WHICH YOU HAVE NOT TRAINED AT ALL. REGARDLESS, YOU WILL BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM EXCEPTIONALLY WELL IN ORDER TO IMPRESS. THERE WILL LIKELY BE RUNNING. GOOD LUCK. WEDNESDAY IS EXAMS DAY. YOU ALWAYS KNEW IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD THAT YOU WERE NOT DOING ENOUGH STUDY DURING YOUR SPARE TIME, BUT YOU SUSPECT THAT NO AMOUNT OF STUDY WOULD HAVE PREPARED YOU FOR THIS. INSTEAD, YOU WILL HAVE TO RELY ON YOUR WITS AND INNATE ABILITY TO MUDDLE THROUGH COMPLEX SITUATIONS REQUIRING EXTENSIVE IN-UNIVERSE KNOWLEDGE. MUCH LIKE EVERY PERSON WHO HAS PLAYED A MASTERMIND TYPE CHARACTER IN D&D WITHOUT KNOWING THE FIRST THING ABOUT ACTUAL BATTLE TACTICS, YOU'RE HOPING THAT RNG AND THE ABSTRACTION OF VIDEO GAME SYSTEMS WILL RESULT IN YOU NOT SPECTACULARLY FAILING YOUR WAY OUT OF SCHOOL. THURSDAY IS SCHOOL TRIP DAY. YOU AND YOUR CLASS ARE HEADED TO THE BEACH. YES, THIS WILL BE THE BEACH EPISODE. YOU ARE WELCOME. FRIDAY IS THE GRADUATION CEREMONY. THIS WILL BE MAKE OR BREAK. IT IS SAID THAT ONE WHO DECLARES THEIR LOVE TO THE WHOLE WORLD WHILE GRADUATING IS GUARANTEED A SOLID TWO MONTH RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR TRUE LOVE, AFTER WHICH WHO KNOWS BECAUSE RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLEX AND REQUIRE A LOT MORE WORK THAN A SINGLE GRAND GESTURE. STILL, IT WILL BE AN EXCELLENT FIRST STEP. AND, AGAIN, IF YOU BREAK THE RULES OF SOCIAL DISTANCING YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY DIE. TIME TO GET CLOSE, BUT NOT TOO CLOSE. [[BEGIN SOCIAL DISTANCING]]

IT IS MONDAY, 7 AM. BEING AWAKE THIS EARLY SUCKS AND IS DISORIENTING. IT WILL NEVER GET ANY EASIER. BY THE TIME YOU EMERGE FROM YOUR HALF AWAKE HAZE, YOU HAVE ALREADY LEFT YOUR VAGUELY IMPLIED HOME SITUATION AND ARE ALREADY IN TRANSIT TO ANIME HIGH SCHOOL (COLLEGE). WHAT FORM OF TRANSPORT ARE YOU USING? [[TRAIN BECAUSE TRAINS ARE AWESOME]] [[BUS BECAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE]] [[BIKE BECAUSE ITS CHEAP]] [[CAR BECAUSE BEEP BEEP]]

TRAINS ARE FUCKING AWESOME. UNFORTUNATELY THEY'RE ALSO JAM PACKED WITH PEOPLE AND YOU IMMEDIATELY VIOLATE THE SOCIAL DISTANCING RULE, CAUSING YOU TO DIE INSTANTLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

BUSSES SUCK SO VERY MUCH TO RIDE. FORTUNATELY, IT'S POSSIBLE TO STAY CLEAR OF OTHERS ON A BUS IF IT'S NOT TOO CROWDED. YOU SPEND AN UNEVENTFUL BUS RIDE MUNCHING YOUR ANIME PROTAGONIST TOAST, PLAYING WITH YOUR PHONE, AND TRYING NOT TO TOUCH YOUR FACE. YOU MAKE AN EPIC RARE 5 STAR GACHA PULL ON HYPER MONEY MUNCHER 3 DRAGONS WITH TITS EDITION BUT YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE DOES NOT IMPROVE AS A RESULT. [[YOU ARRIVE AT SCHOOL WITHOUT INCIDENT]]

GOD, WHO'S FUCKING IDEA WAS IT TO GET A BIKE. YOUR LUNGS BURN, YOUR LEGS ACHE, THE ROADS ARE NOT DESIGNED AROUND HERE WITH CYCLISTS IN MIND, AND YOUR UNIFORM IS SOAKED IN SWEAT. THERE ARE POSITIVES, HOWEVER. YOU KEEP A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE FROM EVERYONE WHILE CYCLING, AND ALSO GAIN ONE FITNESS POINT, RAISING YOUR FITNESS SCORE TO 32. [[YOU ARRIVE AT SCHOOL WITHOUT INCIDENT]]

YOU'RE A STUDENT, YOU CAN'T AFFORD A CAR. YOU CALL AN UBER INSTEAD, AN IRRESPONSIBLE USE OF YOUR LIMITED FUNDS, ONLY TO REALISE TOO LATE THAT YOU ARE CLIMBING INTO A SEALED METAL BOX WITH ANOTHER PERSON. HAVING THUSLY VIOLATED THE RULES OF SOCIAL DISTANCING, YOU IMMEDIATELY DIE. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU'RE ONLY A FEW MINUTES EARLY BUT THAT'S OKAY, YOU'RE A SOLIDLY UNIMPRESSIVE TABULA RASA WITH NOTHING TO DIFFERENTIATE YOU FROM THE MEAN. MAYBE LATER YOU WILL GET TO CHOOSE SOME ACTIONS THAT GIVE YOU MORE CHARACTER AND AGENCY BUT FOR NOW YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR NOT INSTANTLY DYING THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT TO MAKE A CHOICE. UNLESS YOU DID AND JUST TIME-TRAVELLED BACK TO THE DECISION POINT, IN WHICH CASE, YOU GUESS YOU HAVE TIME POWERS NOW. THAT'S PRETTY DOPE. ANYWAY, LIKE ALL GOOD SCHOOL SITUATIONS YOU BEGIN MONDAY BY MEETING UP WITH ONE OF YOUR OLD CHILDHOOD FRIENDS, TYPHOID-KUN. HE SPOTS YOU IN THE HALL AND APPROACHES, HOLDING OUT HIS HAND FOR A SECRET HANDSHAKE. [[UP HIGH, MY DUDE]] [[SHOE TAP]] [[FINGERGUNS]]

YOU ARE REALLY BAD AT SOCIAL DISTANCING, YOU THINK TO YOURSELF AS YOU DIE INSTANTLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

NICE TRY BUT THAT'S THREE WEEKS AGO, SOCIAL DISTANCING REQUIRES NO CONTACT AT ALL. YOU DIE INSTANTLY, CONFUSED AS TO WHAT THE ACTUAL ADVICE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FOLLOWING IS. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

EYYYY. TYPHOID-KUN FINGERGUNS BACK AWKWARDLY. THE EXCHANGE IS VERY FORCED AND AWKWARD AND NO ONE IS PLEASED ABOUT THIS, BUT IT BEATS INSTANTLY DYING. "SO, UH. WEIRD WEEK AT SCHOOL, LOOKS LIKE." IT SURE IS. LIFE HAS BEEN VERY STRANGE AS OF LATE, AND WE ARE ALL COPING IN DIFFERENT WAYS. "HAH, YOU'RE TELLING ME. SO, LOOKS LIKE YOUR GRAND PLAN TO ASK OUT COVID19-CHAN HAS BEEN FAST TRACKED, HUH?" YOU ARE DEEPLY UNSURE ABOUT YOUR HALF BAKED PLAN TO ASK OUT COVID19-CHAN. IT SEEMED LIKE A GREAT IDEA TO MAKE A DATING SIM ABOUT THE DISEASE CURRENTLY CAUSING A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY STARTED TO MAKE IT. YOU WONDER IF PERHAPS YOU AREN'T CUT OUT FOR THIS. "OH DON'T BE SILLY! IT'S THE SAME PLAN AS BEFORE, JUST ON A SHORTER TIME FRAME, RIGHT? YOU GET TO KNOW COVID19-CHAN A LITTLE BETTER, GET HER TO LIKE YOU BACK, AND THEN ASK HER OUT DURING GRADUATION! EVERYONE WILL BE WATCHING WHICH WILL MAKE IT SOCIALLY AWKWARD IF SHE DOESN'T ACCEPT YOUR PUBLIC DECLERATION OF LOVE, WHICH IS ACTUALLY NOT GREAT NOW THAT I SAY IT OUT LOUD BUT WE'RE ALL LOCKED IN TO THIS STUPID IDEA TOGETHER, AREN'T WE?" YOU SUPPOSE THAT WE ALL ARE, YES. TYPHOID-KUN WISHES YOU LUCK FROM A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE, AND THEN IT'S TIME FOR CLASS. [[MONDAY CLASS BEGINS NOW]]

THAT WAS FAST. THE SPEED AT WHICH YOU TRANSITION FROM HALLWAY BANTER WITH YOUR GOOD FRIEND TO CLASS MAKES YOUR HEAD SPIN. ALTHOUGH, THE SPINNING HEAD COULD ALSO BE THE OBJECT OF YOUR AFFECTIONS, COVID19-CHAN. SHE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK YOUR WAY AS SHE ENTERS THE CLASSROOM, WALKING IN SLOW MOTION DOWN THE AISLE, HEADING TOWARDS HER SEAT AT THE BACK OF THE CLASS. [[MAYBE IF I JUST BUMP INTO HER ACCIDENTALLY, SHE'LL NOTICE ME]] [[NO WAIT THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA]]

SHE SEEMS VAGUELY SHOCKED AND CONCERNED FOR YOU AS YOU INSTANTLY DIE. YOU SUPPOSE THIS HAPPENS TO HER A LOT. YOU'RE NOT SURE IF THE FRACTION OF A SECOND OF CONTACT WAS WORTH IT. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

RIGHT, RIGHT, SOCIAL DISTANCING. MAYBE YOU CAN LEAVE HER A NOTE? EVERYONE TAKES THEIR SEATS AND CLASS BEGINS. THE TEACHER IS AN ADULT BUT NOT AN OLD PERSON, SO THEY ARE EXACTLY 25. THEY INTRODUCE THEMSELVES AS SMALLPOX-SENSEI WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN YOUR TEACHER FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE UNDEFINED TIME YOU HAVE BEEN STUDYING AT THIS SCHOOL. GIVEN THAT THERE ARE PRECIOUS FEW CLASSES LEFT WITH WHICH TO PREPARE YOU AND YOUR CLASSMATES FOR THE EXAMS, SMALLPOX-SENSEI SKIPS STRAIGHT TO THE MOST CRUCIAL CRAMMING YOU CAN ALL DO, WHICH IS EPIDEMIOLOGY. YOU SPEND A FRAUGHT AND DISTRACTED HALF HOUR FRANTICALLY COPYING NOTES DOWN ABOUT THE SPREAD OF INFECTIOUS DISEASES, BEFORE SMALLPOX-SENSEI ASKS THE CLASS WHAT THE PROPER HANDWASHING TECHNIQUE IS TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF INFECTION. YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE, YOU THINK. MAYBE. IS IT... [[STOCKPILE DOZENS OF BOTTLES OF HAND SANITIZER]] [[CREATE A SHIELD OF TOILET PAPER AROUND YOUR HANDS]] [[WASHING YOUR GOD DAMN HANDS PROPERLY USING SOAP AND HOT WATER]]

YOUR ATTEMPT TO RESELL YOUR STOCKPILE ON AMAZON FOR A 500% MARKUP FAILS WHEN YOUR LISTINGS ARE DISALLOWED UNDER THE TERMS OF SERVICE. SERVES YOU RIGHT. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

ACTUALLY, GLOVES OF ANY KIND ARE NOT AS EFFECTIVE AS REGULAR HAND WASHING BECAUSE THEY INSTILL A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN THE WEARER, WHEN IN REALITY YOU STILL SHOULD NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE WITHOUT CLEANING YOUR HANDS EVEN IF YOU HAVE GLOVES ON. ALSO, YOU ARE UNABLE TO RETURN THE MASSIVE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER YOU HOARDED, AND AS A RESULT YOU CANNOT AFFORD BASIC GROCERIES AND STARVE TO DEATH. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU ARE ACTIVELY DISGUSTED THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW HOW TO WASH THEIR HANDS. SERIOUSLY, THE WORST PART OF THIS PANDEMIC IS FINDING OUT THAT Y'ALL ARE NASTY AND THINK 0.25 SECONDS OF COLD WATER AND NO SOAP DOES LITERALLY ANYTHING TO THE GERMS ON YOUR HANDS. THE CLASS SHARES YOUR VEHEMENT OPINIONS ON PERSONAL HYGIENE. IN FACT, YOU SPOT COVID19-CHAN NODDING OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE. [[HELL YES, THIS WILL BE EASY]]

THE REST OF THIS CLASS IS NOT EASY. IT TURNS OUT THAT MODELING OF THE SPREAD OF DISEASES IS SUPER COMPLICATED AND THE MATH IS HARD. YOU STRUGGLE ALONG, MAKING WHAT NOTES YOU CAN, BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE THIS IS A WEIRD FEVER DREAM ABOUT A CLASS YOU'VE NEVER TAKEN. FORTUNATELY, YOU ARE SAVED BY THE LITERAL BELL. SMALLPOX-SENSEI LOOKS DISHEARTENED, AS THOUGH YOU AND YOUR CLASSMATES ARE NOW MERELY SEVEN MONTHS AND TWENTY NINE DAYS BEHIND WHERE YOU SHOULD BE BEFORE THE EXAMS, RATHER THAN THE EVEN EIGHT MONTHS YOU WERE EARLIER THIS MORNING. YOU SUSPECT YOUR TEACHERS AREN'T BEING PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS BULLSHIT. REGARDLESS, IT'S TIME FOR LUNCH. [[AND THAT MEANS IT'S CANTEEN TIME]]

TODAY'S LUNCH IS PIZZA. ALL THE STOPS HAVE BEEN PULLED OUT AND THIS IS THE GOOD SHIT, BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT MONTH AND YOU SHOULD HAVE NICE THINGS WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE. LOOK, IT'S MY FICTION AND I'LL PRACTICE ESCAPISM HOW I WANT. THE PIZZA LOOKS AND SMELLS INCREDIBLE. YOU GET ENOUGH ON YOUR TRAY TO FEED THREE PEOPLE. YOU SNEAK A BITE RIGHT AWAY, BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH, AS IS TRADITION. YOU SURVEY THE LUNCH ROOM, CONSIDERING THE COMPLEX INTERPERSONAL POLITIQUE OF CLIQUES AND ALLIANCES THAT MAKES UP THE SOCIAL FABRIC OF THIS SCHOOL. THESE MICRODECISIONS ALWAYS SEEM INCONSEQUENTIAL IN THE MOMENT, BUT INEVITABLY REPRESENT THE MACRO OF YOUR SOCIAL STRATEGY FOR THE SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT. WHERE DO YOU SIT? [[JOCKS TABLE]] [[NERDS TABLE]] [[COVID19-CHAN'S TABLE]] [[BY YOURSELF]]

THE OCCASIONAL BIKE RIDE AND WALK TO THE BUS STOP DOES NOT MAKE YOU A JOCK AND YOU KNOW IT. FORTUNATELY, YOUR MISTAKE IS FLEETING, AS THE PARTICULARLY POWERFUL JOCK BUBONIC-SAMA FLEXES WHILE EATING A SLICE OF KALE AND LOW FAT FRENCH DRESSING PIZZA, CAUSING A DROPLET OF HIS SWEAT TO LAND IN YOUR EYE AND KILL YOU INSTANTLY. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING!

KNOWING THE BASICS OF HANDWASHING DOES NOT MAKE YOU A NERD AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU ARE THOROUGHLY OUTCLASSED BY THE KNOWLEDGE AND ACUMEN OF THE DENIZENS OF THIS TABLE, WHICH PROBABLY EXPLAINS WHY YOU DIDN'T STOP TO CONSIDER THE DISTANCE IMPLICATIONS OF A CROWDED TABLE. YOU BUMP ELBOWS WITH H1N1-SAN, STRETCHING THE LIMITS OF WHAT COULD BE CONSIDERED A NAME IN THIS WEIRD UNIVERSE FULL OF PERSONIFIED DISEASES. FORTUNATELY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONSIDER THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS FOR LONG AS YOU DIE INSTANTLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

THIS WAS ALMOST A GOOD IDEA. YOUR APPROACH IS CALCULATED, THE ROUTE THROUGH THE ROOM PLANNED TO AVOID CONTACT WITH ANYONE. IT'S ALL GOING WELL UNTIL COVID19-CHAN LOOKS UP FROM HER PIZZA AND MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH YOU. OH GOD, YOU'RE NOT READY FOR A MOVE LIKE THIS. YOUR KNEES GO WEAK, YOU TRIP AND GO FLYING, LANDING DIRECTLY ON TOP OF COVID19-CHAN. YOU EXPERIENCE A FLEETING MOMENT OF SEARING PAIN AS MOLTEN CHEESE SPLATTERS, AND EMBARRASSMENT BLOOMS. FORTUNATELY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR MISTAKE AS YOU DIE INSTANTLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

HONESTLY, THIS IS THE ONLY SENSIBLE CHOICE. YOU SUCCESSFULLY MANAGE TO NOT DIE, AND LIVE TO CONSUME YOUR DELICIOUS PIZZA. SURE, YOU COULD HAVE MADE A MOVE ON COVID19-CHAN, BUT NOW WAS NOT THE TIME. SHE HASN'T ACKNOWLEDGED YOU YET, AND ALSO THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY SHORT TWINE. THERE ARE NO MORE CLASSES TODAY, SO THAT MEANS IT'S TIME TO JARRINGLY SKIP FORWARD TO THE [[CHERRY BLOSSOM FESTIVAL]]

THIS IS A REALLY SHITTY CHERRY BLOSSOM FESTIVAL. FAKE PRINTED OUT CHERRY BLOSSOMS ADORN A HALF DOZEN GREEN TREES IN A HANDFUL OF PLACES, AND CHEAP PINK CONFETTI IS SCATTERED HURRIEDLY AROUND THE THREE BOOTHS THAT WERE CLEARLY COBBLED TOGETHER IN A RUSH OVER THE WEEKEND. ONE BOOTH IS SELLING PINK REFRESHMENTS, ANOTHER OFFERS A SELECTION OF CONVENIENCE STORE BOUGHT PINK SNACKS, AND A THIRD OFFERS ACTUAL CHERRIES, ALBEIT FRESH FROM THE TIN. YOU FACE AN ACTUAL QUANDARY THIS TIME, RATHER THAN PICKING ALL THE OBVIOUSLY BAD CHOICES TO SEE THE DEATH MESSAGES. WHICH OF THESE WILL HELP YOU WIN COVID19-CHAN'S HEART? [[CHERRY BLOSSOM FLAVOURED CALPIS]] [[CHERRY BLOSSOM FLAVOURED MOCHI]] [[A CUP FULL OF ROOM TEMPERATURE MORELLO CHERRIES]]

OH GOD, IT TASTES LIKE ASS. IT ALSO COST SEVEN DOLLARS FOR TWO CANS, SO YOU CHOKE YOURS DOWN ANYWAY. IT TAKES A LONG TIME, WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE THAT GIVES YOU TIME TO WEAVE BETWEEN EVERYONE, LOOKING FOR COVID19-CHAN. YOU FIND HER CHILLING OUT ON A BENCH NEARBY, NOT PARTICIPATING IN THE FESTIVITIES. UNDERSTANDABLE, AS IT'S A BIT CROWDED. YOU AWKWARDLY INTRODUCE YOURSELF, POINTING OUT THE FACT THAT SHE HASN'T TRIED ANYTHING FROM THE FESTIVAL YET. SHE GIGGLES, GESTURING AT THE HALF ASSED FESTIVAL. "YEAH, WELL, IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING OUT ON MUCH, REALLY." YOU INSIST, OFFERING HER THE OTHER CAN OF CALPIS. AFTER ALL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO EXPERIENCE A SHITTY FESTIVAL, AND THAT'S SHITTY OUT OF SEASON NOVELTY SOFT DRINKS. SHE REGARDS THE OFFERING, FROWNING FOR A MOMENT, BUT EVENTUALLY CONCURS AND CRACKS THE CAN. SHE VISIBLY RETCHES WHEN SHE SIPS IT, AND THEN GIGGLES, REMARKING ON HOW AWFUL IT IS. YOU AGREE, AND YOU BOTH SIP YOUR TERRIBLE DRINKS AND LAUGH. [[NOW IT'S TUESDAY MORNING]]

HOLY SHIT. THIS TASTES LIKE CHEWY, CHEMICAL LACED, EXPIRED CHERRY AND PEACH CANDY THAT WAS LEFT IN THE SUN TOO LONG. ON CLOSER INSPECTION, IT ACTUALLY DOES EXPIRE THIS MONTH, BUT IT FAILS TO LIST A DATE. YOU NERVOUSLY EYE THE EXPIRY MONTH AS YOU CHEW, BECAUSE HELL IF YOU'RE GOING TO WASTE EIGHT BUCKS. YOU ONLY EAT HALF, FIRSTLY BECAUSE IT'S UPSETTING YOUR STOMACH, AND SECONDLY BECAUSE YOU WANNA SHARE THE REST WITH COVID19-CHAN. YOU FIND HER CHILLING OUT ON A BENCH NEARBY, NOT PARTICIPATING IN THE FESTIVITIES. UNDERSTANDABLE, AS IT'S A BIT CROWDED. YOU AWKWARDLY INTRODUCE YOURSELF, POINTING OUT THE FACT THAT SHE HASN'T TRIED ANYTHING FROM THE FESTIVAL YET. SHE GIGGLES, GESTURING AT THE HALF ASSED FESTIVAL. "YEAH, WELL, IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING OUT ON MUCH, REALLY." YOU INSIST, OFFERING HER THE OTHER HALF OF THE MOCHI. AFTER ALL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO EXPERIENCE A SHITTY FESTIVAL, AND THAT'S SHITTY OUT OF DATE NOVELTY CANDY. SHE REGARDS THE OFFERING, FROWNING FOR A MOMENT, BUT EVENTUALLY CONCURS AND TAKES THE REMAINING MOCHI. SHE VISIBLY WINCES WHEN SHE TASTES IT, AND THEN GIGGLES, REMARKING ON HOW AWFUL IT IS. YOU AGREE, AND YOU BOTH LAUGH AS SHE TAKES ANOTHER BITE. [[NOW IT'S TUESDAY MORNING]]

MY GOD. CANDIED CHERRIES IS THE SORT OF FLAVOUR THAT WORKS ONLY IN VERY SMALL AMOUNTS WHEN ACCOMPANIED BY LARGE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE, CREAM, AND CAKE. THESE AREN'T EVEN THE SWEET CANDIED KIND LIKE IN FRUIT SALAD, IT'S LITERALLY THE SORTA SOUR CHERRIES YOU'D FIND ON A BLACK FOREST CAKE, AND AN ENTIRE CUP OF THEM IS SO MUCH MORE THAN ONE PERSON SHOULD CONSUME IN ONE SITTING THAT YOU'RE SURPRISED THIS ISN'T ACTIVELY ILLEGAL. YOU GOT TWO CUPS FOR NINE DOLLARS THOUGH, SO LIKE HELL YOU'RE WASTING ANY OF IT. WHILE YOU SLOWLY CHEW CHERRIES AND WINCE, YOU WANDER AROUND THE FESTIVAL, LOOKING FOR COVID19-CHAN. YOU FIND HER CHILLING OUT ON A BENCH NEARBY, NOT PARTICIPATING IN THE FESTIVITIES. UNDERSTANDABLE, AS IT'S A BIT CROWDED. YOU AWKWARDLY INTRODUCE YOURSELF, POINTING OUT THE FACT THAT SHE HASN'T TRIED ANYTHING FROM THE FESTIVAL YET. SHE GIGGLES, GESTURING AT THE HALF ASSED FESTIVAL. "YEAH, WELL, IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING OUT ON MUCH, REALLY." YOU INSIST, OFFERING HER THE OTHER CUP OF CHERRIES. AFTER ALL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO EXPERIENCE A SHITTY FESTIVAL, AND THAT'S SHITTY SOUR CHERRIES FROM THE TIN. SHE REGARDS THE OFFERING, FROWNING FOR A MOMENT, BUT EVENTUALLY CONCURS AND TAKES THE OTHER CUP. SHE VISIBLY WINCES AT THE SOUR TASTE, AND THEN GIGGLES, REMARKING ON HOW AWFUL IT IS. YOU AGREE, AND YOU BOTH LAUGH AS SHE EATS ANOTHER CHERRY. [[NOW IT'S TUESDAY MORNING]]

JESUS CHRIST THAT WAS FAST. FEELING SLIGHTLY UNWELL FROM OUT OF SEASON CHERRY BLOSSOM THEMED SNACKS, YOU SKIP TO SCHOOL USING WHICHEVER PREVIOUSLY NON-LETHAL METHOD YOU USED YESTERDAY. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT FOR. WHAT, YOU WANT ANOTHER OBVIOUS DEATH? FINE. HAVE YOUR CHOICE. [[PROCEED CALMLY TO CLASS IN A SAFE FASHION.]] [[INTENTIONALLY LICK AND COUGH ON THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF GROCERIES FOR ATTENTION ON INSTAGRAM.]]

THRILLING CONTENT, THIS. YOU MANAGE TO ASSEMBLE AND INHALE BREAKFAST AND TRAVEL TO SCHOOL WHILE DRESSED, MEETING ALL THE CRITERIA FOR A BASIC, FUNCTIONAL DAY IN SOCIETY. I'M PROUD OF YOU. YOU ROCK UP TO CLASS SEVERAL SECONDS EARLY, AS YOU LIKE TO APPEAR NONCHALANT ABOUT YOUR STUDIES BUT NOT SO NONCHALANT AS TO ACTUALLY HAVE YOUR GRADES OR ATTENDANCE NEGATIVELY AFFECTED. SCHOOL IS FILLED WITH MICROCALCULATIONS LIKE THESE, AND EVERYONE IS SO BUSY MAKING SURE THEIR APPEARANCE, ACTIONS, AND INTENT ARE EXACTLY ON POINT THAT NO ONE NOTICES ANYONE ELSE'S CAREFULLY CONSTRUCTED PERSONAS. MAYBE THERE'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY TO BE HAD THERE, BUT THIS ISN'T A GAME ABOUT SOCIAL COMMENTARY IT'S A GAME ABOUT WANTING TO DATE COVID19. SPEAKING OF, SHE'S IN CLASS AS WELL, INTENT ON HER STUDIES. TODAY, FIRST PERIOD IS, UH, I DON'T KNOW, CHEMISTRY. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS. SMALLPOX-SENSEI IS DISCUSSING THE NATURE OF AMPHIPHILES, MOLECULES WHICH HAVE A DUAL NATURE AND ATTRACT DIFFERENT MATERIALS TO THEIR OPPOSITE SIDES. YOU THINK. SCIENCE IS HARD. HE ASKS THE CLASS WHAT AN APPLICATION OF A MATERIAL THAT CAN MIX TWO PREVIOUSLY NON SOLUBLE MATERIALS TOGETHER MIGHT BE. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. [[LET SOMEONE ELSE TAKE THIS ONE.]] [[YOU CAN MIX OIL AND WATER WITH THEM, RIGHT?]] [[YOU COULD USE THIS TO MAKE THE ULTIMATE MIXED DRINK.]] [[THIS IS ABOUT WASHING MY HANDS AGAIN, ISN'T IT.]]

GOOD NEWS, YOU GO VIRAL AS YOU GO VIRAL, MOSTLY BECAUSE SOMEONE IS FILMING YOU AS A SECURITY GUARD COATHANGERS YOU AND SNAPS YOUR NECK, KILLING YOU INSTANTLY. YOU REFLECT BRIEFLY ON THE NATURE OF FAME, POWER, AND SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCE AS YOU DIE. IT CERTAINLY SEEMED A LOT MORE IMPORTANT UNTIL ROUGHLY TEN SECONDS AGO. AH WELL. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS OPTION RESULTS IN YOUR IMMEDIATE DEATH. THE POINT OF THIS GAME IS TO ATTEMPT TO WOO COVID19-CHAN, WHICH YOU WON'T DO WHILE SITTING IDLY BACK AND LETTING THE WORLD GO PAST. MAYBE THIS ENDING IS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF BEING TOO PASSIVE. YOU HAVE TO TAKE LIFE AS IT COMES EVERY DAY, BE BOLD, BE WILLING TO TRY NEW THINGS AND HAVE IT NOT WORK OUT. A LIFE OF FEAR AND INACTION IS A SLOW DEATH, A LITTLE BIT MORE EVERY DAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A HERO OR TAKE HUGE RISKS ALL THE TIME, BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO REACH OUT AND TAKE THE OPPORTUNITIES OFFERED TO YOU, AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF FAILURE. A LIFE LIVED WELL IS FULL OF TIMES RISKS AND VENTURES DIDN'T WORK OUT, BUT AS THE GREAT POET ONCE SAID, TIS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL. OH, AND, UH, I GUESS YOUR HEAD COMICALLY EXPLODES AS WELL, KILLING YOU INSTANTLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU SURE CAN. THIS WAS NOT THE ANSWER SMALLPOX-SENSEI WAS LOOKING FOR, HOWEVER. YOU DIE INSTANTLY OF EMBARRASSMENT AS EVERYONE TITTERS AT YOU FOR MISSING THE SUBTEXT. SERIOUSLY, THIS GAME IS ABOUT THE CONDITIONS OF A PANDEMIC! OH WELL. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

ACTUALLY, AMPHIPHILES ARE TYPICALLY SOAPS, DETERGENTS, OR LIPOPROTEINS, WHICH ARE BIOCHEMICAL ASSEMBLIES DESIGNED TO CARRY FATS IN FLUID SUCH AS BLOOD PLASMA FOR DISTRIBUTION AROUND THE BODY. USING ANY OF THESE TO BRING DISPARATE SUBSTANCES INTO SOLUTION WOULD ALSO TYPICALLY RENDER THE LIQUID POISONOUS, OR AT LEAST DEEPLY UNPLEASANT TO DRINK AND HARMFUL TO YOUR DIGESTIVE HEALTH. IF YOU HAVE INGESTED SOAP OR DETERGENT IT IS ADVISED THAT YOU CONTACT A MEDICAL PRACTITIONER OR EMERGENCY SERVICES IMMEDIATELY. THEY WILL BE UNIMPRESSED TO HEAR THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO MIX VODKA AND LARD BUT WILL HELP YOU TO NOT DIE INSTANTLY. IN THE MEANTIME IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT AMPHIPHILES AND THE CHEMISTRY BEHIND THEM, I WOULD DIRECT YOU TO THE WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE ON AMPHIPHILES AS WELL AS A FINE ARTICLE BREAKING THE SCIENCE DOWN INTO LAYMAN'S TERMS ON VOX TITLED 'HOW SOAP ABSOLUTELY ANNIHILATES THE CORONAVIRUS'. YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO DO THAT IN THE AFTERLIFE AS YOUR BRO-FRAT SCIENCE WILL NO DOUBT BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE AT SOME POINT, KILLING YOU INSTANTLY. THE MYTHBUSTERS WOULD BE PROUD, THOUGH. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

THAT IS THE JOKE, YES. YOU DUTIFULLY TELL SMALLPOX-SENSEI THAT HAND SOAPS CONTAIN AMPHIPHILES, MOST COMMONLY SODIUM LAURETH SULFATE, AND THE NATURE OF THIS MATERIAL CAUSES IT TO LATCH ONTO THE FATTY OUTER LAYER OF VIRUSES AND THEN PULL THAT LAYER INTO SOLUTION, CAUSING THE VIRUS TO BE LITERALLY TORN APART, RENDERING IT INACTIVE AND HARMLESS. AS SUCH, REGULAR HANDWASHING WITH BASIC-ASS HAND SOAP IS YOUR BEST BET TO DISINFECT YOUR HANDS, BEING MORE EFFECTIVE THAN 'ANTIBACTERIAL' SOAP OR ALCOHOL BASED HAND SANITISER ALONG EVERY PERFORMANCE METRIC. A SOLID 20 COUNT WHILE WASHING YOUR HANDS GIVES THE AMPHIPHILES AMPLE TIME TO WORK INTO THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES OF YOUR HANDS AND THEN ALLOWS THE CHEMICAL PROCESS TO WORK, DESTROYING VIRUSES AND CAUSING THEM TO BE WASHED OFF WHEN YOU RINSE. WE'RE ALL LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE, AREN'T WE. [[HELL YES WE ARE. I AM EXCITED TO BE PREACHED AT ABOUT HANDWASHING BY A JOKE TEXT ADVENTURE FOR SEVERAL MORE MINUTES.]]

YOU AND ME BOTH, BUDDY. THE TEACHER, THE CLASS, AND EVEN COVID19-CHAN ARE ALL SURPRISED AT YOUR NEAR ENCYCLOPEDIC KNOWLEDGE, AND YOU SPY A FAINT GLIMMER OF HOPE IN SMALLPOX-SENSEI'S EYES, THAT JUST MAYBE, YOU ALL MIGHT NOT CRATER OUT OF THE FINAL EXAMS, WHICH ARE, OH, SHIT, TOMORROW. RIGHT. THAT'S STILL HAPPENING. IDEALLY YOU AND YOUR CLASSMATES WOULD SPEND THE NEXT 24 HOURS FRANTICALLY REVISING IN A LAST DITCH, DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO NOT FAIL AND HAVE TO RETAKE THE ENTIRE YEAR WHENEVER SOCIETY STARTS BACK UP. [[THAT'S NOT WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, THOUGH.]]

A HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE NEARLY SHATTERS YOUR EARDRUMS. YOU ARE OUTSIDE IN YOUR SPORTS UNIFORM. SPORTSBALL TIME IS NOW. [[DODGE.]] [[WAIT WHAT THE FU-]]

YOU HIT THE DIRT AND A NECKBREAKER DODGEBALL GOES SIZZLING PAST WITH MURDEROUS INTENT. AN UNNAMED BACKGROUND CHARACTER EATS IT IN THE FACE AND IS COMICALLY SLAIN, ONLY TO REAPPEAR IN A FUTURE SCENE, UNHARMED, GIVING RISE TO FAN CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT HOW THEY ARE EITHER IMMORTAL, THE SCHOOL IS POPULATED BY CLONES, ALL OF THIS IS ACTUALLY THAT BACKGROUND CHARACTER'S DREAM, THAT SOMEONE ELSE IN THE SCHOOL HAS MAGIC HEALING POWERS, OR ANY NUMBER OF TOTALLY SILLY BOGUS THEORIES FOR WHAT CAN BE EASILY EXPLAINED BY LAZINESS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LAZY I CAN BE. SPEAKING OF LAZY, HERE COMES TYPHOID-KUN. "THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE, HUH?" HE SAYS, LEANING DOWN AND OFFERING YOU A HAND UP. [[NO.]] [[OKAY.]]

DODGEBALL TO THE FACE, SNAPPING YOUR NECK. YOU LAND ON CHOLERA-SAN, WHICH WOULD NORMALLY BE BAD NEWS, BUT YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD SO, UH, OMAE WA MOU SHINDEIRU, I GUESS. GOTTA WORK ON THOSE REFLEXES, BOOKWORM. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU DON'T NEED HELP GETTING UP AND ALSO, INSTANT DEATH ETC ETC WHATEVER. YOU DUST YOURSELF OFF AND TYPHOID-KUN LOOKS APOLOGETIC. "RIGHT, RIGHT, THAT WHOLE THING. WELP, AT LEAST THERE'S NO CONTACT SPORTS ON THE DOCKET FOR TODAY'S FESTIVAL!" YOU CONCUR THAT THIS IS THE SENSIBLE CHOICE. "THE REAL QUESTION IS, WHICH EVENT ARE YOU GONNA SIGN UP FOR TO IMPRESS COVID19-CHAN? I NEVER REALLY GOT A READ ON HER, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT MIGHT GO FOR. YOU TWO HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE YOU WERE A KID AND SHE WAS, UH, A DIFFERENT AND LESS INFECTIOUS STRAIN, OR SOMETHING, SO WHAT SO YOU THINK?" TYPHOID-KUN IS A GOOD SUPPORTIVE FRIEND WHO CAN'T HELP ALSO ACCIDENTALLY KILLING YOU ON TOUCH, BUT HE'S ALSO KIND OF A DUMBASS. AFTER ALL, YOU KNOW FROM YOUR MANY YEARS OF KNOWING COVID19-CHAN THAT HER FAVOURITE SPORT IS... [[MARATHON RUNNING.]] [[COMPETITION SKEET SHOOTING.]] [[CHESS.]]

WE'RE NEVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS IF YOU KEEP ON INTENTIONALLY DYING, COME ON. YOU BEGIN TO WONDER IF MAYBE TYPHOID-KUN IS INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO GET YOU KILLED AS YOU DIE INSTANTLY. WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THIS SCHOOL IS OUT TO GET YOU? AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT PARANOIA IF IT'S TRUE. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS DECISION. YOU SIGN UP FOR CROSS-COUNTRY, BECAUSE IF YOU'RE DOING THIS TO IMPRESS COVID19-CHAN YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO FOR DISTANCE. SO MUCH DISTANCE. DID YOU KNOW THAT CROSS COUNTRY RUNNING TYPICALLY TAKES PLACE ON A COURSE THAT VARIES FROM 4-12 KILOMETERS, OR 2.5-7.5 MILES, OR JUST A FUCKING SHITLOAD OF RUNNING THAT NEVER SEEMS TO END NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY? NOW, HERE, IN WHAT FEELS LIKE YOUR NINTH CONSECUTIVE HOUR OF EXHAUSTEDLY STUMBLE-RUNNING, YOU ARE DEEPLY AWARE OF IT. YOU DON'T CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE UNFIT, YOU WALK SOME, YOU BIKE SOME, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON IN YOUR SCHOOL CAN EFFORTLESSLY JOG FOR AN ENTIRE DAY AND NEVER BREAK INTO A SWEAT, WHEREAS YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR THROAT AND LUNGS ARE NOW MADE OF SANDPAPER WHICH IS ON FIRE, WHICH IS NOT HELPING THE SITUATION WITH YOUR LEGS WHICH FEEL LIKE PLASTIC BAGS FILLED WITH SHARDS OF GLASS AND ACID. AT SOME POINT TOWARDS THE END OF YOUR LUCIDITY, COVID19-CHAN EFFORTLESSLY GLIDES PAST YOU. SHE SMILES AND WAVES AT YOU, HER MAKEUP STILL PERFECT AND UNBLEMISHED. AS YOU COLLAPSE TO YOUR KNEES AND PASS OUT, YOUR LAST THOUGHTS ARE THAT THEY DIDN'T START THE GIRLS RUNNING UNTIL WELL AFTER THE BOYS STARTED. DANG. [[THANKS FOR... PLAYING?]]

CLEARLY, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS PICKED THIS SPORT BECAUSE 'WAIT YOU MEAN WE GET TO FIRE GUNS!?'. THE LINE FOR THIS EVENT IS LONG, AND YOU SNAG ONE OF THE LAST PLACES. YOU DOUBLETAKE WHEN YOU SEE THAT COVID19-CHAN ALSO SIGNED UP FOR THIS EVENT. THAT GIRL NEVER FAILS TO SURPRISE YOU, HUH. SHE REALLY TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A REALLY BAD SIGN IF THE SYMPTOMS PERSIST. REGARDLESS, YOU ARE OFFERED A SELECTION OF SPORTS EQUIPMENT FOR THE EVENT. WHICH DO YOU TAKE? [[THE BARRETT M82A1.]] [[THE HECKLER & KOCH HK417.]] [[THE FABRIQUE NATIONALE MAG MODEL 60-20.]] [[A DINKY DOUBLE BARREL SHOTGUN.]]

OF COURSE, CHESS. YOU'VE GOT THIS IN THE BAG. YOU SIGN UP FOR THE COMP. CHESS TOURNEY THEY'RE RUNNING THIS AFTERNOON AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE PAIRED UP AGAINST YOUR FIRST OPPONENT, TYPHUS-SAMA. YOU'VE CROSSED SWORDS WITH THIS ONE BEFORE, AND YOU BOTH NOD RESPECTFULLY AT EACH OTHER BEFORE SITTING DOWN ACROSS. YOU PULL WHITE AND OPEN WITH PAWN TO E4, LIKE YOU TEND TO ON THE FIRST GAME OF THE DAY. TYPHUS-SAMA RESPONDS WITH THE PIRC-UFIMTSEV DEFENCE. AN INNOCUOUS OPENING PLAY, HARDLY TOURNAMENT LEVEL, BUT TYPHUS-SAMA IS CLEARLY LOOKING TO SURPRISE AND AVOID YOUR OPENING PRESENTATION. SURPRISINGLY, IT PUTS YOU INTO THE TANK FOR A MOMENT. YOUR GO-TO AFTER ESTABLISHING AGGRO IS TO PLAY A 3.3F THREATENING A KING'S INDIAN DEFENCE, BUT TYPHUS-SAMA HAS ANTICIPATED AND SUBVERTED YOUR PLAY. YOU INSTEAD GO WITH YOUR GUT, MOVING A SECOND PAWN TO D4. TYPHUS-SAMA MOVES KNIGHT TO F6, SO YOU RESPOND WITH YOUR OWN KNIGHT TO C3, AND HE RESPONDS WITH PAWN TO G6. YOU AND HE TRADE DEFENSIVE MOVES, SETTING UP A BOARD THAT FAVOURS YOUR SIDE OF THE FIELD, WELL OFF-SCRIPT AT THIS POINT. YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT TYPHUS-SAMA IS TRYING TO PULL HERE, BUT SOME OF THE SPECTATORS HAVE STARTED TO STAND AND WATCH FROM A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE. YOU TAP THE TABLE, CONSIDERING YOUR NEXT PLAY. THE DEFENSIVE SETUP TYPHUS-SAMA IS USING IS UNCONVENTIONAL AND CLEARLY PREDICATED ON COMMON SENSE OBSERVATIONS RATHER THAN STRICT FORMS, WHICH OPENS STRATEGIC POSSIBILITIES. BUT, PERHAPS THIS MATCH IS MORE THAN A SIMPLE DEPLOYMENT OF OPPOSING STRATAGEM. NO, MAYBE IT IS CORRECT IN THIS INSTANCE TO MAKE AN ATTACK PSYCHOLOGICALLY RATHER THAN DEVELOPING BOARD PRESENCE OR THREATS. YOU GLANCE UP. TYPHUS-SAMA IS STRAIGHT FACED BUT SWEATING. WHAT PLAY DO YOU MAKE? [[NGE2]] [[BH6]]

AH, THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PLAY. TURNS OUT, YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST GOD DAMN THING ABOUT PLAYING CHESS. WITHIN MINUTES YOU ARE CRUSHED, AND FAIL TO WIN COVID19-CHAN'S FAVOUR. SOMEONE SLAPS YOU ON THE BACK AND TELLS YOU IT WAS A GOOD TRY. YOU AREN'T SURE IF IT WAS, AND DON'T HAVE TIME TO QUESTION THEM WHAT MOVES YOU CAN MAKE WITH THE SQUARE POINTY PIECE AS YOU DIE INSTANTLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

AH, THE DEVELOPMENTAL PLAY. UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR ABILITY TO LET THE STORY PLAY THIS GAME OF CHESS ON YOUR BEHALF SEEMS TO BE UP. FORCED TO ACTUALLY MAKE DECISIONS, YOU DISCOVER YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT COMPETITION CHESS AND ARE QUICKLY CRUSHED. IT'S SO BAD THAT TYPHUS-SAMA PUTS A REASSURING HAND ON YOUR SHOULDER AND TELLS YOU THAT YOU DID GREAT FOR A FIRST TRY. UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ALSO YOUR LAST TRY AS THE PHYSICAL CONTACT CAUSES YOU TO DIE INSTANTLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU WAKE UP IN THE NURSE'S OFFICE AND YOU AREN'T DEAD. THIS IS A NOVEL EXPERIENCE FOR YOU. HOW DID YOU END UP HERE WITHOUT ANYONE TOUCHING YOU? YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THERE'S NO REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS SO JUST GO WITH IT, OKAY. TUBERCULOSIS-SAMA, THE SCHOOL NURSE, CONGRATULATES YOU ON ENGAGING IN HEAVY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY FOR, APPARENTLY, THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. YOU CAN'T TELL IF THEY ARE BEING SERIOUS OR NOT. REGARDLESS, THEY GIVE YOU A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH AND SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY, CAUTIONING YOU TO NOT BE SO RECKLESS NEXT TIME. OUTSIDE OF THE NURSE'S OFFICE, TYPHOID-KUN AND COVID19-CHAN ARE BOTH WAITING FOR YOU, SHOCKINGLY. TYPHOID-KUN IS PLAYFULLY TEASING, HAVING PLACED 4TH OVERALL, BUT APPEARS TO BE CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELLBEING. COVID19-CHAN, HOWEVER, YOU WERE NOT EXPECTING. SHE SEEMS TO ALSO BE CONCERNED ABOUT YOU, HAVING WATCHED YOU BLACK OUT ON THE TRACK NOT LONG AFTER SHE LEFT YOU IN THE DUST. YOUR FEEBLE ATTEMPTS TO IMPRESS HER APPEAR TO HAVE RESULTED IN HER BECOMING CONCERNED ABOUT YOU. THAT'S, UH, KIND OF LIKE IMPRESSING SOMEONE, IF YOU SQUINT. SHE HAS A BOTTLE OF POCARI SWEAT FOR YOU. [[POCARI WHAT-NOW.]] [[OH, SWEET, THANKS.]]

LISTEN, I KNOW THE NAME IS WEIRD BUT IT'S BASICALLY GRAPEFRUIT ELECTROLYTE DRINK AND IT'S INOFFENSIVE TASTING. YOU'RE LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT, UH, YOUR OWN CULTURE, IN THIS WEIRD FANTASY WORLD THAT'S APPARENTLY JAPAN BUT POPULATED BY ANTHROPOMORPHISED INFECTIOUS DISEASES. IN ANY CASE, YOU THANK COVID19-CHAN FOR THE DRINK AND CAREFULLY TAKE IT FROM HER WITHOUT VIOLATING SOCIAL DISTANCING. SHE SMILES AT YOU AND IT FILLS YOU WITH METAPHORICAL STRENGTH. NOT ACTUAL STRENGTH THOUGH, YOUR GODDAMN LEGS FEEL LIKE JELLY AND EVERYTHING HURTS. SHE WISHES YOU AND TYPHOID-KUN A GOOD AFTERNOON AND LEAVES. TYPHOID-KUN TEASES YOU ABOUT COVID19-CHAN'S ATTENTIONS, CAUSING YOU TO HAVE TO AWKWARDLY AND PAINFULLY DODGE A SHOULDER PUNCH. YOU'RE VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD GETTING A LONG, RESTFUL SLEEP IN SO THAT YOU'RE FRESH FOR [[EXAM DAY.]]

YOU GRATEFULLY TAKE THE DRINK FROM COVID19-CHAN. YOU'RE REALLY INTO JAPANESE DRINKS SO YOU AREN'T WEIRDED OUT BY THE NAME, YOU KNOW IT'S NOT ACTUALLY SWEAT. OH GOD. THIS IS ACTUALLY JUST SOMEONE'S BOTTLED SWEAT. YOU WELCOME THE SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH, YOU GOSH DARN WEEB. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

EXERCISE IS A CURIOUS THING. YOU NEED TO DO SOME AMOUNT OF IT IN ORDER TO LIVE BUT IF YOU DO, YOUR BODY PUNISHES YOU FOR IT SO BADLY THAT YOU MIGHT THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE. YOU HAVE BEEN ASSURED IN THE PAST THAT IT GETS EASIER AND IS ACTUALLY QUITE FUN ONCE YOU GET USED TO IT. YOU WERE ALSO UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU ONLY USE YOUR LEGS FOR RUNNING, BUT YOUR ENTIRE BODY ACHES AND IS STIFF AND SORE TO THE POINT THAT SITTING UP IN BED IS A HERCULEAN EFFORT THAT TAKES A SOLID FIFTEEN MINUTES. BREATHING DEEPLY HURTS. SWALLOWING A SPOONFUL OF CEREAL HURTS. PICKING UP YOUR BACKPACK HURTS. YOU REGRET EVERY CHOICE YOU HAVE EVER MADE. WELL, MAYBE NOT COMPLETE REGRET. COVID19-CHAN TOOK PITY ON YOU, WHICH IS LIKE BEING NOTICED, SORTA. THERE WAS THE FESTIVAL, TOO. MAYBE YOU CAN PULL THIS OFF AFTER ALL. YOU KNOW, PROVIDED YOU DON'T FAIL OUT OF SCHOOL WHEN [[CLASS STARTS.]]

THIS 50 CALIBRE, 14 KILOGRAM, 140 CENTIMETER LONG RECOIL-OPERATED, SEMI-AUTOMATIC ANTI-MATERIEL SNIPER SYSTEM HAS A MUZZLE VELOCITY OF 853 METERS PER SECOND AND AN EFFECTIVE RANGE OF 1800 METERS. A DEADLY LONG RANGE WEAPON CAPABLE OF OBLITERATING ALL BUT THE MOST STURDY REINFORCED STRUCTURES, IT IS DEEPLY AND PROFOUNDLY UNSUITED FOR SKEET SHOOTING. WHEN YOUR TURN ON THE RANGE COMES UP, THE FIRST SHOT YOU TAKE SPECTACULARLY MISSES, BUT YOU DON'T CARE MUCH AS THE RECOIL, WHICH IS NOT UNLIKE BEING PUNCHED IN THE SHOULDER BY A PROFESSIONAL BOXER, SNAPS YOUR COLLAR BONE WHICH PIERCES YOUR JUGULAR AND KILLS YOU NEARLY INSTANTLY. BUT HEY, YOU SURE DID PICK THE BIGGEST GUN. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

THIS MODIFIED 7.62 CALIBRE, FIVE KILOGRAM, ONE METER LONG GAS OPERATED SHORT-STROKE PISTON, ROTATING BOLT BATTLE RIFLE HAS A MUZZLE VELOCITY OF 750 METERS PER SECOND AND AN EFFECTIVE RANGE OF 600 METERS. DESIGNED AND MODIFIED FOR PENETRATION, STOPPING POWER, AND RANGE, THIS WEAPON IS DESIGNED FOR MEDIUM RANGE ENGAGEMENTS WITH MULTIPLE TARGETS AND IS POWERFULLY, HILARIOUSLY UNSUITED FOR SKEET SHOOTING. WHEN YOUR TURN ON THE RANGE COMES UP, YOU CAREFULLY AIM, WAIT FOR THE FIRST CLAY DISC TO BE FIRED, AND ARE COMPLETELY STARTLED BY THE WEAPON'S FIRING RATE OF 600 ROUNDS PER MINUTE, FIRING YOUR ENTIRE CLIP IN A SINGLE SECOND. YOU MISS THE TARGET AND FALL OVER BACKWARDS, LANDING DIRECTLY ON TOP OF ANOTHER STUDENT. YOU DON'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHICH INFECTIOUS DISEASE THEY'RE NAMED AFTER BEFORE YOU DIE INSTANTLY. THIS ALWAYS GOES SO DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING CALL OF DUTY, TOO... THANKS FOR PLAYING!

THIS 7.62 CALIBRE, 11.8 KILOGRAM, 126 CENTIMETER LONG, GAS-OPERATED LONG-STROKE PISTON, OPEN BOLT GENERAL-PURPOSE MACHINE GUN HAS A MUZZLE VELOCITY OF 840 METERS PER SECOND, AND AN EFFECTIVE RANGE OF UP TO 800 METERS WHEN USING A BIPOD FOR STABILITY. A DANGEROUS SHORT TO MEDIUM RANGE WEAPON CAPABLE OF SUPPRESSING FIRE AND ANTI-PERSONNEL APPLICATIONS, IT IS INCREDIBLY, HILARIOUSLY UNSUITED FOR THE PURPOSE OF SHOOTING CLAY TARGETS. DEPENDING ON CONFIGURATION, THIS WEAPON CAN REACH A RATE OF FIRE OF 1000 ROUNDS PER MINUTE, A FEATURE YOU DISCOVER WHEN ATTEMPTING TO SHOOT THE FIRST CLAY TARGET, ONLY TO EMPTY THE ENTIRE LINKED BELT INTO THE SKY WHILE DESPERATELY HANGING ON TO THE GUN WITH BOTH EYES SHUT, FEVERENTLY WISHING THE DEAFENING NOISE AND FURIOUS JUMPING WOULD STOP. MIRACULOUSLY, NO ONE IS HURT. SOMEONE PUTS A HAND ON YOUR SHOULDER AND TAKES THE GUN FROM YOU. THIS IS COMFORTING, UNTIL YOU REALISE THAT YOU HAVE VIOLATED NOT JUST DOZENS OF ORDINANCE AND GUN SAFETY PROTOCOLS, BUT ALSO THE RULES OF SOCIAL DISTANCING. YOU DIE INSTANTLY, WHICH IS PROBABLY BETTER THAN WHATEVER CHARGES YOU WOULD HAVE FACED FOR FIRING A MACHINE GUN INTO THE AIR IN A CITY LIKE THAT. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU NAIL IT. EXHALE, LEAD THE TARGET, PULL THE TRIGGER. EVERYTHING MOVES IN SLOW MOTION FOR YOU, YOU SEE THE LINE, AND FOLLOW IT. EVERYTHING FLOWS FROM THAT FIRST PERFECT SHOT. THIS IS THE START OF YOUR CAREER, LOOKING BACK ON IT. THIS IS WHERE YOU LEARNED TO LOVE THE POETRY OF IT, THAT TIME BACK IN SCHOOL WHERE YOU PULLED A PERFECT GAME. SURE, THE KIDS WERE IMPRESSED. THERE WAS EVEN THIS ONE GIRL YOU FANCIED WHO WAS SUPER INTO YOU AFTERWARDS, BUT YOU WERE TOO EXCITED BY THE POSSIBILITIES. YOU LEFT THEM ALL BEHIND TO PURSUE YOUR PROFESSIONAL CAREER, TRAVELLING THE WORLD TO COMPETE. YOU WERE ONE OF THE BEST. BUT YOU NEVER GOT THE GIRL. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

SHIT. FUCK. FIRST TARGET COMES FROM HIGH HOUSE, YOU FOOL. ALL THOSE YEARS OF PRACTICE AND YOU CHOKE WHEN IT REALLY COUNTS, ANTICIPATING THE WRONG TARGET AND WHIFFING YOUR SHOT. SUCH A ROOKIE MISTAKE IMMEDIATELY PUTS YOU OUT OF THE RUNNING, AND THE REST OF YOUR MATCH IS A MISERABLE AFFAIR WHERE YOU NEVER RECOVER FROM YOUR FIRST STUMBLE. YOU NEVER COMPETE IN SKEET SHOOTING AGAIN. TRULY, THIS IS THE WORST ENDING OF THEM ALL. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

SMALLPOX-SENSEI LOOKS LIKE HE HASN'T SLEPT. HE HAS APPARENTLY TYPED UP A 'STOP MY CLASS FROM FAILING THIS YEAR' CHEAT SHEET, SUMMARIZING AS BEST HE COULD THE ENTIRE SYLLABUS HE NEVER HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO TEACH YOU ALL. THERE IS WAY, WAY TOO MUCH TO READ AND RETAIN ALL OF THIS BEFORE THE EXAMS START AT MIDDAY. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PICK A SUBJECT AND FOCUS ON THAT AND HOPE YOUR SCORE IN THAT AREA CARRIES YOUR OVERALL GRADE TO A PASS MARK. THEY SAY THAT C'S GET DEGREES BUT YOU DOUBT THAT THIS IS WHAT THEY MEANT. WHATEVER, YOU HAVE A FEW HOURS LEFT TO CRAM AND EVERYONE ELSE IN CLASS IS FRANTICALLY STUDYING AS THE SECONDS TICK PAST. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO COMMIT, AND FAST. [[S.T.E.M.]] [[ARTS AND SOCIAL SCIENCES.]] [[A FEW HOURS? I'LL GOOF OFF ON MY PHONE FOR A BIT.]]

YOUR EYES GLAZE OVER AFTER HALF AN HOUR. SCIENTIFIC FORMULAE WASH OVER YOU LIKE A MUSIC VIDEO ABOUT PHYSICS. EVERYTHING BEGINS TO RUN TOGETHER. YOU ARE UNSURE IF YOU HAVE EVER LEARNED ANYTHING, REALLY. YOU BEGIN TO FLIP AROUND THE PAGES AIMLESSLY, ATTEMPTING TO ABSORB PIECES OF INFORMATION AT RANDOM. YOU NOTICE SPELLING ERRORS, BUT DECIDE TO BE NICE ABOUT IT BECAUSE THIS WAS CLEARLY PUT TOGETHER IN A HURRY AND SOMETIMES YOU MISS SPELLING ERRORS IN THE PROOFING PASS. CLEARLY, I-UH, THAT IS, SMALLPOX-SENSEI DID HIS BEST. UNFORTUNATELY, YOU AND HE BOTH ARE OUT OF TIME. [[IT BEGINS.]]

YOU STICK WITH IT FOR A SOLID HALF HOUR. YOU'RE SURE THIS BREAKDOWN OF THE FLAWS INHERENT IN FREUDIAN PSYCHOLOGY WOULD BE FASCINATING IF YOU WEREN'T FRANTICALLY SKIMMING A SUMMARISED VERSION OF A SUMMARISED VERSION OF THE ORIGINAL TEXT. IF YOU WERE MORE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS YOU MIGHT USE THIS TIME TO SKIM THE HISTORY OF THIS WORLD AND LEARN SOME INTERESTING LORE ABOUT IT, MAYBE EVEN DISCERN HOW YOU CAME TO LIVE AMONG A SOCIETY OF PERSON SIZED DISEASES, AND POSSIBLY EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU LOOKS LIKE. IS COVID19-CHAN A PERSON NAMED AFTER A DISEASE, OR A LITERAL GIGANTIC VIRUS IN A SAILOR FUKU? ALAS, STRAPPED AS YOU ARE INTO MY WILD RIDE, YOU INSTEAD FLIP AROUND IN AN ATTEMPT TO ABSORB ANY USEFUL TIDBITS OF KNOWLEDGE UNTIL YOUR TIME RUNS OUT. [[IT BEGINS.]]

YOUR PHONE EXPLODES IN YOUR HAND, REMOVING IT AND YOUR HEAD. YOUR DECAPITATED CORPSE FLOPS COMICALLY ONTO THE TABLE, FOUNTAINING BLOOD. SERIOUSLY. DON'T CHECK YOUR PHONE IN CLASS, IT'S RUDE. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU WERE NOT PREPARED FOR TODAY. NONE OF YOUR CLASSMATES WERE EITHER. THERE IS AN AIR OF HORRIFIC EXPECTATION AS YOU ARE ALL SHUFFLED INTO THE LARGE INDOOR HALL AND DIRECTED TO SEPARATE SEATS AND DESKS SET UP ON THE INDOOR BASKETBALL COURT. BY SHEER NARRATIVE CONVENIENCE, YOU ARE SEATED BETWEEN TYPHOID-KUN AND COVID19-CHAN. YOU ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TERRIFIED. SOMEONE AT THE FRONT OF THE HALL CALLS OUT AND JUST LIKE THAT, THE EXAM HAS BEGUN. [[OPEN YOUR EXAM.]]

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS TRUE FOR ALL POSITIVE VALUES OF X AND Y? [[√X+√Y = √X+Y]] [[√X^4Y^16 = X^2Y^4]] [[(X√Y)(Y√X) = X^2Y^2]] [[Y√X+Y√X = √4XY^2]] [[(X^Y)(Y^Y) = (XY)^2Y]]

YOU GUESS, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. UNFORTUNATELY, INCORRECT ANSWERS DO NOT RESULT IN INSTANT DEATH, SO YOU CANNOT USE TRIAL AND ERROR TO WORK OUT THE CORRECT ANSWER. [[YOU ARE COMPLETELY SCREWED.]]

IF THINGS CONTINUE AS THEY ARE AND YOU DO NOTHING BUT GUESS AT RANDOM, YOU WILL END UP WITH A 20% MARK AND FAIL SPECTACULARLY. IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, IT'S NOT AS BAD AS DYING INSTANTLY, BUT CONSIDERING THAT DATING COVID19-CHAN IS THE LITERAL POINT OF THIS GAME, AND SHE GOES TO THIS SCHOOL, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT IF YOU FAIL. SO BASICALLY, A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH. YOU SUPPOSE YOU COULD TRY YOUR BEST, SEE HOW THE TEST IS SCORED, AND THEN GO BACK AND ITERATE ONE CHOICE AT A TIME UNTIL YOU GET A PASS MARK, BUT THAT'S AWFULLY META AND ALSO MORE EFFORT THAN YOU CAN BRING TO BEAR FOR A GAME LIKE THIS, SO INSTEAD YOU TRY TO FIND A MORE CONVIENIENT ANSWER. SPECIFICALLY, SOMEONE ELSE'S CONVENIENT ANSWER. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S TIME TO CHEAT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. [[YOU SURVEY YOUR OPTIONS.]]

THINKING LOGICALLY ABOUT THIS, YOU HAVE A FEW PATHS AVAILABLE TO YOU. SOMEWHERE IN THE SCHOOL, THERE ARE ANSWERS TO THIS EXAM. GETTING TO THEM NOW WOULD INVOLVE SNEAKING OUT OF THE HALL IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EXAM WITHOUT BEING NOTICED, WHICH WOULD BE A DIFFICULT ASK EVEN FOR SOMEONE TRAINED EXTENSIVELY IN THE ART OF STEALTH. YOU ARE NOT TRAINED IN THE ART OF STEALTH AND CAN ALSO BARELY STAND BECAUSE OF THE MARATHON YESTERDAY. THERE IS THE SIMPLER AND MORE RELIABLE OPTION OF COPYING SOMEONE ELSE'S ANSWERS, BUT EVEN THE SMARTEST PEOPLE IN YOUR CLASS LOOK LIKE THE LIGHT HAS GONE OUT IN THEIR EYES, SUGGESTING THEY'RE AS SCREWED AS YOU ARE. IT'S ALSO TECHNICALLY NOT IMPOSSIBLE THAT A METEORITE MIGHT STRIKE THE SCHOOL AND DESTROY ONLY YOUR EXAM PAPER, EXCUSING YOU FROM THE EXAM AND GIVING YOU MORE TIME TO PREPARE. YOU LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT. TYPHOID-KUN IS DRENCHED IN SWEAT AND SEEMS DESPERATE. TO YOUR LEFT, COVID19-CHAN IS KEEPING HER COMPOSURE AND EVEN WRITING ANSWERS DOWN. AND ABOVE, THE ROOF OF THE HALL. BEYOND IT, THE SKY, AND PERHAPS, A DREAM. [[GET TYPHOID-KUN TO CAUSE A DISTRACTION SO YOU CAN SNEAK OUT.]] [[COPY COVID19-CHAN'S ANSWERS.]] [[PLACE YOUR FAITH IN THE IMPOSSIBLE, AND DARE TO DREAM.]]

YOU ATTEMPT TO ATTRACT TYPHOID-KUN'S ATTENTION. HE GLANCES OVER AT YOU NERVOUSLY, WHISPERING OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH. "WHAT!? YOU'RE GONNA GET BOTH OF US IN TROUBLE, MAN." YOU KNOW, BUT YOU ALSO KNOW THAT YOU AND HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CLASS IS CURRENTLY FAILING THE HELL OUT OF THIS EXAM. "I KNOW. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." YOU KNOW WHAT HE HAS TO DO. HE HAS TO CAUSE A DISTRACTION SO YOU CAN GO LOOKING FOR THE ANSWERS TO THE EXAM IN THE STAFF ROOM. "WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?" NO, JUST DESPERATE. YOU PROMISE TO SHARE THE ANSWERS WITH HIM IF HE HELPS. HE CONSIDERS IT, IN THE SAME WAY THAT A VICTIM WHO WAKES UP IN A CRAZY MURDER HOUSE CONSIDERS THE HACKSAW. HE DOESN'T LIKE IT, BUT HE'S ALSO RUNNING OUT OF OPTIONS, MUCH LIKE YOURSELF. "FINE. WHAT SORT OF DISTRACTION DO YOU NEED?" AN EXCELLENT QUESTION. WHAT SORT OF DISTRACTION DO YOU THINK WILL WORK BEST? [[GET UP ON THE TABLE AND START FLOSSING.]] [[PRETEND TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK.]] [[START A FIGHT WITH ANOTHER STUDENT.]]

THIS SEEMS LIKE A TERRIBLE PLAN, BUT THAT'S NEVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE. YOUR UNWAVERING COMMITMENT TO TERRIBLE IDEAS IS PART OF YOUR CHARM, AFTER ALL. USING ALL OF YOUR SKILLS, YOU CAREFULLY AND UNOBTRUSIVELY LEAN AS FAR OVER AS YOU CAN. SHE'S ALMOST DONE WITH THE FIRST PAGE ALREADY. IF YOU DON'T START COPYING SOON YOU'RE GOING TO MISS OUT. BUT HOW? THE DESKS ARE SO FAR APART, YOU CAN'T MAKE OUT WHAT SHE'S WRITING, ONLY THAT SHE IS WRITING. YOU LOOK UP AND LOCK EYES WITH ONE OF THE INSTRUCTORS OF THE EXAM, CASUALLY SCOOTING BACK INTO THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SEAT. NO LUCK, THESE WALLS HAVE EYES AND DISAPPROVING FROWNS. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BUST OUT YOUR ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE. USING ALL YOUR SENSES, YOU FOCUS ON COVID19-CHAN'S MOVEMENTS. YOU PICK UP YOUR PENCIL, AND WITHOUT LOOKING AWAY FROM HER, BEGIN TO EXACTLY MIMIC WHAT SHE DOES. EVERY MINUTE TWITCH OF THE PENCIL, EVERY SHIFT OF HER ARM ON THE TABLE. YOU MIRROR HER EXACTLY, COPYING NOT JUST HER ANSWERS, BUT HER VERY BEING FOR THE DURATION OF THE EXAM. KEEPING IT UP REQUIRES INCREDIBLE FOCUS. YOU'VE NEVER SUSTAINED THIS TECHNIQUE FOR SO LONG. YOUR BODY BEGINS TO SCREAM AT YOU AS YOUR KI SKYROCKETS, YOUR SENSES HEIGHTEN FURTHER. THE DELAY BETWEEN COVID19-CHAN'S MOVEMENTS AND YOUR OWN BECOMES SHORTER AND SHORTER, UNTIL FINALLY YOU ARE MOVING IN PERFECT UNISON. YOUR HEARTS BEAT TOGETHER, AND YOU ATTAIN A LEVEL OF TOGETHERNESS AND PEACE WITH NOT ONLY COVID19-CHAN, BUT YOUR ENTIRE ENVIRONMENT. TIME SLOWS TO A CRAWL AS YOU EXPERIENCE THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF TOTAL ONENESS WITH ALL THINGS. THE HALL, YOUR FELLOW STUDENTS, THE LIGHT AGAINST THE WINDOWS, THE BIRDS AND TREES OUTSIDE, THE WIND, THE EARTH. YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, NOW SO IN SYNC WITH COVID19-CHAN AND YOU SENSE HER MOVEMENTS JUST THROUGH VIBRATIONS IN THE AIR. YOU HAVE FINALLY PERFECTED THE TECHNIQUE, SOMETHING YOU ASSUMED WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE. THIS, FINALLY, IS THE TRUE TRANQUILITY OF A MASTER. [[YOU ATTAIN PEACE.]]

YOU LEAN BACK IN YOUR CHAIR, SPREADING YOUR ARMS AND CLOSING YOUR EYES. YOU SEND YOUR WILL OUT INTO THE COSMOS. A TRILLION TRILLION LIGHTS SPARKLE IN AN INFININE PLACE, STILL ECHOING WITH THE REMNANTS OF VIOLENT CREATION AND DESTRUCTION, THE RIPPLES OF WHICH CONTINUE, THE ONLY TRUE MARKER OF TIME. THE GALACTIC DUST STILL EDDIES AND SWIRLS, REFUSING TO SETTLE, DANCING LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING. YOU ARE BUT ONE MOTE OF DUST WITHIN THIS SPIRALING MELEE OF CHANCE AND PROBABILITY, AN INCREDIBLE MIRACLE, AN UNLIKELY MISTAKE, A BEAUTIFUL ACCIDENT. YOU CAN AS MUCH ASK PROVIDENCE OF THIS EXPANSE AS A LEAF MAY ASK A MOUNTAIN TO MOVE, THAT IT MAY BLOW ONWARD ON THE WIND. COUNTLESS ENTREATIES HAVE BEEN MADE TO THE STARS, AND THEY HAVE ANSWERED NONE OF THEM. THEY HEAR THEM, THOUGH. AND JUST THIS ONCE, COUNTLESS MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO, A CHUNK OF ROCK AND ICE WOBBLED JUST SO AND SET OUT ON A QUEST ACROSS TIME AND SPACE, THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU OR I COULD NEVER COMPREHEND IN A THOUSAND LIFETIMES. ALIEN STARS, BLACK HOLES, EXOTIC RADIATION, DARK MATTER. THIS CHUNK EXPERIENCED THINGS WE DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR, OUT THERE IN THE DARKNESS. MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO, IT PASSED THROUGH THE OUTER LAYER OF THE OORT CLOUD, MISSING OTHER SPACE DEBRIS BY MILLIONS OF KILOMETERS, WHICH IS A HAIR'S BREADTH IN COSMIC TERMS. IT DODGED THROUGH THE SOLAR WIND, BUFFETED BY THE PRESSURE OF OUR MOTHER, THE SUN. IT SKILLFULLY THREADED THE NEEDLE, AVOIDING THE GIGANTIC GRAVITATIONAL WELLS OF THE OTHER PLANETS AND MATERIALS IN OUR LOCAL CLUSTER, BEFORE FINALLY HOMING IN ON OUR TINY BLUE DOT. IT DRAWS CLOSER, BOTH IN TIME AND SPACE, PLAYING OUT THE FINAL MOMENTS OF AN ASTRONOMICALLY UNLIKELY SHOT FROM AN INCONCEIVABLE DISTANCE. MOST OF ITS MASS BURNS UP ON ENTRY TO OUR ATMOSPHERE. THE LAST OF IT, A TINY CHUNK NO LARGER THAN A BOWLING BALL, TUMBLES AT TERMINAL VELOCITY TOWARD A FLASH OF GREEN AND BROWN IN THE ENDLESS BLUE. AS IT FALLS, THE GREEN AND BROWN RESOLVES INTO AN ISLAND, THEN URBAN SPRAWL, THEN BUILDINGS, THEN A BUILDING, THEN A ROOFTOP. WITH A TREMENDOUS SMASH, THE METEORITE BURSTS THROUGH THE CEILING, DEMOLISHING YOUR DESK AND OBLITERATING YOUR EXAM. SURPRISINGLY, PERHAPS EVEN MIRACULOUSLY, YOU ARE UNHARMED, ALBEIT COVERED IN SPLINTERS AND PIECES OF PAPER. THE EVENT IS SO INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY, YOU MAKE THE LOCAL NEWS. "LOCAL STUDENT INTERRUPTED DURING EXAM BY METEORITE. FORTUNATELY, THERE WERE SPARE EXAM PAPERS SO THE TEST COULD CONTINUE WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. THE STUDENT LATER FAILED THE EXAM." DANG. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU HAND IN AN EXAM COVERED WITH UNINTELLIGIBLE SCRAWLS WITH A DREAMY CONTENTED LOOK ON YOUR FACE. YOU FAIL THE EXAM. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

THE CONCEPT OF FLOSSING DATES THIS GAME SO HARD YOU MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO CALCULATE THE MONTH IT WAS WRITTEN. THE FACT THAT THIS OCCURRED TO ME AS THE FIRST OPTION FILLS ME WITH GREAT SHAME AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ALSO FOR CLICKING ON IT. ALRIGHT, FINE. "A-ARE YOU SURE." YOU'RE VERY SURE. YOU TELL TYPHOID-KUN HE CAN CLAIM THAT IT'S STRESS FROM THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC AND HE WON'T FACE ANY LASTING CONSEQUENCES. HE'S NOT SURE HOW YOU CAN KNOW THAT BUT TRUSTS YOU, LIKE ANY GULLIBLE CHILDHOOD FRIEND WOULD. HIS WILLINGNESS TO ACT ON WHATEVER STUPID IDEA YOU HAVE IS WHY TYPHOID-KUN AND YOURSELF ARE SUCH RIDE OR DIE BESTIES. HE LOOKS AROUND FURTIVELY AND THEN GETS UP, FIRST ON HIS CHAIR AND THEN ONTO HIS BENCH. HE STANDS, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, LOOKS AROUND AT THE DOZENS OF EYES THAT ARE SUDDENLY ON HIM, AND STARTS TO FLOSS LIKE HIS LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS OUT OF YOUR SEAT, BUT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO SNEAKS OFF RATHER THAN GATHERING AROUND. SOMEONE STARTS TO CLAP AS THE TEACHERS ATTEMPT TO RESTORE ORDER, JUST AS YOU SLIP OUT THROUGH A SIDE DOOR. [[YOU MAKE GOOD YOUR ESCAPE.]]

"UH, I. UM. OKAY. BUT WILL ANYONE EVEN NOTICE IF I JUST SLUMP OVER?" PROBABLY NOT. YOU TELL TYPHOID-KUN TO HAM IT UP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. JUST GO FULL ON SHAKESPEARE WITH THAT SHIT. HE'S HESITANT, BUT THEN HE NODS. HIS WILLINGNESS TO ACT ON WHATEVER STUPID IDEA YOU HAVE IS WHY TYPHOID-KUN AND YOURSELF ARE SUCH RIDE OR DIE BESTIES. "AAK!", HE QUOTES, KICKING HIS DESK AWAY AND STAGGERING TO HIS FEET. "TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW, CREEPS IN THIS PETTY PACE FROM DAY TO DAY!" OH SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP HE'S ACTUALLY QUOTING SHAKESPEARE. STILL, IT'S DRAWING EVERYONE'S ATTENTION. YOU SENSE YOUR CHANCE, AND BEGIN TO SLINK AWAY AS PEOPLE GET UP AND BEGIN TO APPROACH TYPHOID-KUN. "TO THE LAST SYLLABLE OF RECORDED TIME, AND ALL OUR YESTERDAYS HAVE LIGHTED FOOLS, THE WAY TO DUSTY DEATH. OUT, OUT BRIEF CANDLE! LIFE'S BUT A WALKING SHADOW!" YOU HEAR TYPHOID-KUN GIVE A SURPRISINGLY COMPETENT DEATH RATTLE AS HE FLUMPS DOWN ON HIS DESK, JUST AS YOU SLIP OUT THROUGH A SIDE DOOR. WHO KNEW HE HAD IT IN HIM. [[YOU MAKE GOOD YOUR ESCAPE.]]

"WHAT!? WHY WOULD I DO THAT?" LISTEN, DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES. "YEAH, BUT WHO DO I EVEN START A FIGHT WITH." AN EXCELLENT QUESTION. YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO HAS SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL BEEF, WHO'S LIKELY TO RESPOND TO A CHALLENGE BUT UNLIKELY TO IMMEDIATELY ATTACK, SO THAT THE TWO OF YOU CAN POSTURE AT EACH OTHER AND STALL FOR TIME. YOUR EYES MEET WITH TYPHOID-KUN'S AS YOU BOTH REMEMBER AT THE SAME TIME THAT MALARIA-SAN OWES TYPHOID-KUN SIX BUCKS. "TIME TO CALL IN THAT FAVOUR, I GUESS." YOU AGREE. MALARIA-SAN WATCHES TOO MUCH ANIME, SO IF TYPHOID-KUN MAKES IT INTO A COMPETITION OF POSTURING, IT COULD LAST FOR HOURS. TYPHOID-KUN NODS AT YOU. HIS WILLINGNESS TO ACT ON WHATEVER STUPID IDEA YOU HAVE IS WHY TYPHOID-KUN AND YOURSELF ARE SUCH RIDE OR DIE BESTIES. HE STEADIES HIMSELF, THEN SLAMS BOTH HANDS ON THE TABLE AND JUMPS TO HIS FEET, HIS CHAIR SCREECHING ON THE GROUND. "MALARIA-SAN!! THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME, YOU DOG!!!" MALARIA-SAN SWIRLS AROUND DRAMATICALLY, NARROWING HIS EYES AND LETTERBOXING FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT. "TYPHOID-SAMA... I ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME!" "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF WAITING, MALARIA-SAN! I WILL HAVE WHAT I AM OWED NOW, OR I WILL HAVE... JUSTICE!" THERE'S AN AUDIBLE GASP FROM THE STUDENTS AROUND YOU. YOU SLINK DOWN AND AWKWARDLY CROUCHWALK AWAY AS THE COMMOTION BEGINS TO START PROPERLY. SOMEONE POINTS DRAMATICALLY, AND YOU HEAR RAISED VOICES AS YOU SLIP THROUGH A SIDE DOOR. [[YOU MAKE GOOD YOUR ESCAPE.]]

EMPTY HALLS. LOTS OF LONG SIGHTLINES AND BLIND CORNERS, THIS SCHOOL. SHIT. YOU ATTEMPT TO MOVE QUICKLY BUT QUIETLY AS YOU SLINK YOUR WAY OVER TO THE END OF THE SIDE HALLWAY DIRECTLY NEXT TO THE GENERAL HALL WHERE THE EXAM IS BEING HELD. THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE AND OFFICES ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MAIN SCHOOL BUILDING, UP ON THE FOURTH FLOOR, AND HERE YOU ARE ON THE GROUND FLOOR. YOU PEEK AROUND THE CORNER, REVEALING ANOTHER EMPTY HALLWAY. THERE'S NO COVER, MORE LONG SIGHTLINES, AND AS FAR AS YOU KNOW MOST OF THE CLASSROOMS AND SUCH ARE LOCKED WHILE NOT IN USE. AS FAR AS SNEAKING GOES, YOU'RE MUCH BETTER AT IT WHEN YOU HAVE A THIRD PERSON CAMERA IN A VIDEOGAME TO LET YOU SEE AROUND CORNERS, AND THE ENVIRONMENT IS DENSE WITH THINGS TO HIDE BEHIND. AS IT STANDS, THE ONLY WARNING YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHILE SNEAKING AT THE MOMENT IS FOOTSTEPS, AND EVEN IF YOU DO HEAR SOMEONE COMING, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, DIVE OUT THE WINDOW? THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA AND WILL ONLY SUCCEED IF YOU DON'T RUN INTO ANY TEACHERS OR SCHOOL STAFF AT ALL. FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THEY ALL SEEM TO BE BUSY WITH THE EXAMS RATHER THAN PATROLLING THE HALLS. YOU ROUND ANOTHER CORNER, NOW ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MAIN BUILDING FROM WHERE YOU STARTED. THE STAIRWELL IS HALFWAY DOWN THIS NEXT CORRIDOR, AFTER WHICH IT'S A STRAIGHT SHOT TO THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THIS MIGHT ALL WORK OUT. AFTER ALL, WHO ELSE IS EVEN AROUND TO SPOT YOU? [[DRAMATIC SMASHING NOISE.]]

BACK IN THE HALL YOU JUST SNUCK DOWN, THE MAIN ENTRANCE TO THE GROUND FLOOR IS FLUNG OPEN. YOU SCRAMBLE AROUND THE CORNER AND PRESS YOURSELF AGAINST THE WALL, HEART BEATING OUT OF YOUR CHEST AS YOU HEAR, OF ALL THINGS, SHOUTING?? "OPEN, THE SCHOOL." "STOP, HAVING IT BE CLOSED." SWEET MERCY, IT'S PANDEMIC PROTESTERS. THEY'VE BEEN PICKETING AROUND THE CITY FOR MINUTES AT A TIME BEFORE DYING INSTANTLY FOR VIOLATING THE RULES OF SOCIAL DISTANCING. PEOPLE WHO ARE UPSET THAT A GLOBAL PANDEMIC WHICH COULD POTENTIALLY END MILLIONS OF INNOCENT LIVES IS PREVENTING THEM FROM GETTING HAIRCUTS. NATURALLY, THEIR BET IS ON HERD IMMUNITY, WHICH WON'T HAPPEN UNLESS THE SPREAD OF DISEASE CONTINUES UNABATED, SO THEY'RE BEING THE CHANGE THEY WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD AND INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO INFECT OTHERS. THEY'RE FAST ZOMBIES. THAT'S RIGHT, I BAITED YOU WITH A STEALTH SECTION AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE A ZOMBIE STEALTH SECTION. GET DESTROYED. AND THEN, PICK HOW YOU'RE GOING TO TACKLE THIS PROBLEM. DON'T TAKE TOO LONG THOUGH, YOU CAN HEAR THEM ADVANCING UP THE HALLWAY TOWARDS YOU. [[ATTEMPT TO BLEND IN WITH THE ZOMBIES.]] [[MAKE A BEELINE FOR THE FOURTH FLOOR.]] [[TRY TO JUKE THE ZOMBIES ON THE STAIRS.]] [[SEARCH THE CLASSROOMS FOR SOMETHING TO DEFEND YOURSELF WITH.]]

AH YES, TO HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT. PERHAPS THE UNEXPECTED PLAY HERE WILL GAIN YOU AN UNEXPECTED ADVANTAGE. YOU FOCUS, ATTEMPTING TO CHANNEL THE MINDSET OF SOMEONE WHO CONSIDERS MILLIONS OF DEATHS A LESSER INCONVENIENCE COMPARED TO YOUR FAVOURITE CAFE CLOSING FOR A FEW MONTHS. YOU GRIT YOUR TEETH, STRETCHING THE OUTER LIMITS OF YOUR SELF ABSORPTION. ONLY TOTAL COMMITMENT WILL ALLOW YOU TO FOOL THEM. IT'S... IT'S UH, YEAH, REALLY BAD THAT THE HAIRDRESSER'S IS CLOSED. YEAH. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON CLOTHES YOU DON'T NEED IN MONTHS. ALL THE 'NON ESSENTIAL' BUSINESSES CLOSING HAS EXPOSED THE HOLE IN YOUR HEART YOU WERE PREVIOUSLY PLUGGING WITH DISPOSABLE COMMODITIES. YOU KNOW WHAT? THE SCREENS IN THE GROCERY STORE ARE DUMB, THOSE WORKERS SHOULD JUST GET SICK AND THEN GET BETTER AND GET OVER IT. AND YOU MISS BEING ABLE TO BUY SIX PACKAGES OF TOILET PAPER AT ONCE. YEAH. YEAH!!! YOU ROUND THE CORNER, READY TO JOIN IN WITH THE PROTEST, AND SMASH FACE FIRST INTO SOMEONE COMING THE OTHER WAY. HONESTLY, THIS DEATH IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST. AM I IMPLYING THAT PEOPLE WHO THINK A PANDEMIC LOCKDOWN IS STUPID OR INCONVENIENT SHOULD DIE? NO, OF COURSE NOT. I DO, HOWEVER, THINK IT IS DEEPLY FOOLISH AND WORTHY OF MOCKERY. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

NOPE, FUCK THIS. YOU SCRAMBLE AS QUIETLY AS POSSIBLE DOWN THE HALLWAY, REACHING THE STAIRWELL JUST AS THE COMOTION REACHES THE CORNER OF THE HALL. YOU HEAR SOMEONE CALL OUT AS THEY SPOT YOU, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE YOU ARE ONTO THE STAIRS AND GOING THE FUCK UP. NATURALLY, THEY SEE YOU RUNNING AND THEY DECIDE TO GIVE CHASE, AND THE STAIR CONTENST IS FUCKIN' ON. OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OH GOD YOUR LEGS STILL HURT SO BAD OW OW OW. BY THE TIME YOU REACH THE THIRD FLOOR YOU'VE SLOWED TO A PAINFUL LOPSIDED STAGGER, PANIC CAUSING YOUR FOOTING TO BE HASTY AND UNSTABLE AS YOU TRY TO FORCE SCREAMING, ACHING MUSCLES TO DO WHAT YOU SAY. YOUR RAGGED BREATHING IS CLEARLY AUDIBLE, AND YOU CAN HEAR THE PROTESTER ZOMBIES CATCHING UP RAPIDLY AS YOU FORCE YOURSELF AROUND A CORNER AND UP ONE MORE FLIGHT OF STAIRS. NEARLY THERE. JUST GET TO THE TOP, DOWN THE HALL A LITTLE WAY, AND THEN INTO THE STAFF ROOM AND LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND YOU. IT'LL BE FINE, YOU JUST HAVE TO GET TO THE STAFF ROOM. YOU SLIP AND FALL AT THE VERY TOP OF THE STAIRS, LANDING PAINFULLY ON YOUR RIBS. YOU HISS THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH, CLAWING YOUR WAY BACK UPRIGHT AND LIMPING ONWARDS. THE FASTEST OF THE PROTESTERS ROUNDS THE STAIRS BEHIND YOU. TERROR GIVES YOU WINGS, AND YOU LIMP DOWN THE HALLWAY AS THOUGH YOUR VERY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, WHICH IT LITERALLY DOES. YOU FUMBLE WITH THE DOOR AND IT IS MIRACULOUSLY UNLOCKED. YOU PUSH IT OPEN AND SLAM IT BACK CLOSED, LEANING YOUR WEIGHT AGAINST IT AS THE ZOMBIE BEHIND YOU SLAMS INTO IT. AS THEY SLAP AND COMPLAIN AT THE DOOR, YOU MANAGE TO TURN THE LOCK, SLIDING DOWN AGAINST THE DOOR INTO A RAGGED HEAP AS YOU TRY TO BREATHE ENOUGH TO TURN YOUR LEGS BACK ON. "NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE EXAM HALL?" SMALLPOX-SENSEI LOOKS UP FROM HIS DESK, BEMUSED. THE SHOCK OF SOMEONE ELSE UNEXPECTEDLY BEING IN HERE CAUSES YOU TO HAVE AN ACTUAL, LITERAL HEART ATTACK. AS YOUR VISION DARKENS, SMALLPOX-SENSEI STARTS TO LOOK ALARMED AS LOUD NOISES START TO COME FROM THE DOOR BEHIND YOU. IT APPEARS THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVEN'T ONLY CAUSED HARM TO YOURSELF THIS TIME. YOU REFLECT UPON THE NATURE OF CAUSE AND EFFECT, AND TO WHAT EXTENT SOMEONE CAPABLE OF REWINDING TIME UPON DEATH IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN AROUND THEM IN A GIVEN TIMELINE. YOU KNOW, JUST BEFORE YOU DIE. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU HURRY OFF TO THE STAIRS AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN. YOU GET TO THEM JUST AS SOMEONE ROUNDS THE CORNER BEHIND YOU, AND YOU HEAR AN INDISTINCT SHOUT AS YOU SCURRY UP THE STEPS, QUICKLY FOLLOWED BY THE SLAPPING OF RUNNING FEET. YOU FRANTICALLY PAT YOUR POCKETS, LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO THROW THAT WILL MAKE SOME NOISE. UNFORTUNATELY, ALL YOU HAVE ON YOU ARE YOUR WALLET AND PHONE. YOU MAKE IT UP TO THE FIRST FLOOR, PAUSING FOR A MOMENT. YOU HAVE TO THROW SOMETHING UP TO THE NEXT FLIGHT TO MAKE SOME NOISE, BUT WHAT? [[WALLET.]] [[PHONE.]]

YOU ONLY HAVE A SCANT FEW SECONDS BEFORE THE HORDE IS UPON YOU. AGAINST AN UNKNOWN NUMBER OF TARGETS LIKE THIS YOU'D PREFER TO HAVE A RANGED WEAPON OF SOME KIND, BUT YOU'LL TAKE EVEN A SIMPLE IMPROVISED MELEE WEAPON OVER NOTHING. TIME SLOWS TO A CRAWL AS YOU CONSIDER YOUR OPTIONS. [[JANITOR'S CLOSET.]] [[CLASSROOM.]] [[STUDENT TOILET.]] [[GUN STORE.]]

IT'S LOCKED. SHIT. YOU BREATHE DEEPLY, TRYING TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR WHAT'S COMING. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU DIE THIS WEEK, YOU NEVER GET USED TO THE SENSATION. YOU ARE CRASH TACKLED BY ONE OF THE ZOMBIES AND DIE INSTANTLY. IT'S HAUNTING. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU SLAM UP AGAINST THE DOOR, PUSHING ON THE LOCKED HANDLE DESPERATELY. DAMNIT, WRONG CHOICE. CLEARLY YOU ARE EXPECTED TO COME BACK HERE LATER, AS YOU CAN SEE A KEYCARD AND A RED HERB ON THE DESK THROUGH THE WINDOW. YOU MAKE A MENTAL NOTE AS SOMEONE APPROACHES YOU AND PLACES A HAND ON YOUR SHOULDER, SPINNING YOU AROUND. AS YOU DIE, YOU VAGUELY PERCEIVE THE ZOMBIE DEMANDING THAT YOU SHAKE THEIR HAND. THAT'S WEIRD, YOU DON'T REMEMBER SHAKING HANDS WITH STRANGERS FOR NO REASON BEING A THING BEFORE THE PANDEMIC. YOU SUPPOSE THAT THE QUARANTINE HAS MADE PEOPLE EXTRA CRAZY. THEN YOU DIE. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU SLINK INTO THE TOILET, OPENING EACH STALL AS YOU COMB IT FOR ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED TO DEFEND YOURSELF. THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU FIND SOME TOILET PAPER. THE BAD NEWS IS, THIS TOILET IS LACKING IN GUNS, AMMUNITION, KATANAS, CRICKET BATS, AXES, PITCHFORKS, MACHETES, OR ANY OTHER STAPLE OF THE APOCALYPSE. NATURALLY, SOME OF THE ZOMBIES COME TO CHECK OUT THE NOISE. THE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER YOU THROW BOUNCES HARMLESSLY OFF OF THE FIRST ONE'S HEAD, AND THEN THEY RUSH YOU. AS YOU DIE, YOU STOP TO CONSIDER THE OFTEN UNDERAPPRECIATED WORK BACKGROUND CHARACTERS PUT IN TO ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE GAMES, GATHERING AMMO AND WEAPONS AND THEN HIDING THOSE CRITICAL ITEMS IN OUT OF THE WAY SPOTS ALL OVER. NOW THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT SEEMS A RATHER IMPRACTICAL THING TO DO DURING AN APOCALYPSE. HUH. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

AH YES, PERFECT. YOU PUSH OPEN THE DOOR OF THE GUN STORE AND PICK UP A HANDGUN AND A DOUBLE BARREL SHOTGUN AS WELL AS A SMALL STOCKPILE OF AMMO. UNFORTUNATELY THIS PLACE IS FRESH OUT OF HEALING ITEMS, AND THERE'S A LOCKER YOU WON'T BE OPEN UNTIL LATER WHEN YOU HAVE THE LOCKPICK, WHICH YOU WILL NO DOUBT ALSO FIND IN THIS SCHOOL, PRESUMABLY BEHIND A PUZZLE REQUIRING THREE GEMSTONES. YEAH, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME, YOU THINK TO YOURSELF AS YOU ARE CHASED DOWN AND TACKLED BY ONE OF THE ZOMBIES AFTER FAILING TO DECIDE WHERE TO LOOK. MAYBE TRYING TO ATTACK THESE PEOPLE IS A BAD PLAN. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU LOB YOUR WALLET UP THE STAIRS AND SLIP AROUND THE CORNER, PRESSING YOURSELF AGAINST THE WALL AND TRYING TO CONTROL YOUR BREATHING. THE CLAMOUR COMING UP THE STAIRS SLOWS SOMEWHAT. SOME OF THEM GO UPSTAIRS TO INVESTIGATE, BUT SOME OF THEM HANG BACK, SUSPICIOUS AT THE SUDDEN LACK OF NOISE. AS YOU TRY TO SIDLE AWAY ALONG THE WALL, YOU SPOT A HEAD PEERING AROUND THE CORNER NEXT TO YOU. IT APPEARS YOUR WALLET WASN'T NOISY ENOUGH WHEN THROWN. YOU DIE, RUNNING AND SCREAMING. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU WINCE AS YOU LOB YOUR PHONE UP THE STAIRS. IT MAKES A HIGH PITCHED, ECHOING CLATTER MIXED WITH THE DISTINCTIVE SOUNDS OF GLASS SHATTERING, CLATTERING SOME MORE AS IT BOUNCES AROUND AND SKIDS BACK DOWN THE STAIRS. YOUR TEETH SET, YOU PRESS YOURSELF AROUND THE CORNER AND UP AGAINST THE WALL. YOU HEAR ONE OF THE ZOMBIES SHOUT SOMETHING ABOUT A DROPPED PHONE AS THEY ALL CLAMBER UPWARDS, PAST YOUR FLOOR. THE ECHOING SLAP OF FOOTSTEPS TURNS A CORNER, THEN ANOTHER, GROWING FAINT. YOU CAN HEAR THEM TALKING AMONG THEMSELVES INDISTINCTLY, BUT YOU DON'T HANG AROUND TO HEAR WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY, CREEPING YOUR WAY ALONG THE HALL AWAY FROM THE STAIRWELL. WITHOUT YOUR PHONE, YOU CAN'T EVEN CALL FOR HELP. YOU FEEL WEIRDLY DISCONNECTED AS YOU TRY TO REPRESS YOUR PANIC, TRYING A DOOR AND ANOTHER DOOR AND YET ANOTHER DOOR, LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE. FINALLY, ONE OF THE CLASSROOMS IS UNLOCKED. YOU SLIP INSIDE AND SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND YOU, LOOKING AROUND WILDLY. THE ROOM IS DARK AND THE BLINDS ARE DRAWN, THERE'S NO ONE IN HERE BUT YOURSELF. YOU QUIETLY SLIP BEHIND THE TEACHER'S DESK, CROUCHING DOWN TO HIDE FROM THE WINDOW LOOKING INTO THE ROOM FROM THE HALL. NOT LONG AFTER YOU DO, A BLURRY SHAPE RUNS PAST WITHOUT STOPPING TO TRY THE DOOR. GREAT. YOU'VE EVADED DETECTION FOR A MOMENT, BUT NOW THE WHOLE SCHOOL IS OVER-RUN WITH PROTESTER ZOMBIES, AND YOU'RE ONLY A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE STAFF ROOM THEN WHEN YOU STARTED. WHAT IN THE GODDAMN ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? [[TRY SNEAKING BACK TO THE STAIRS ONCE THE COAST IS CLEAR.]] [[TRY CLIMBING UP THE FIRE ESCAPE OUTSIDE.]]

ONE THING IS FOR SURE, YOU AREN'T GOING TO GET ANY CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL BY SITTING IN THIS CLASSROOM TWIDDLING YOUR THUMBS. YOU CREEP BACK UP TO THE DOOR USING ALL YOUR STEALTH ABILITY, CAREFULLY PLACING YOUR EAR AGAINST IT AND LISTENING INTENTLY. SOUNDS LIKE... NO ONE IS ON THIS FLOOR...? WAIT, NO, THOSE ARE QUIET FOOTSTEPS. YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH AS SOMEONE SHUFFLES PAST SLOWLY, MUTTERING TO THEMSELVES. "...STOP HAVING IT BE CLOSED..." THEY KEEP SHUFFLING UNTIL THEY PASS BY, HEADING TOWARDS THE STAIRS. WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER HEAR THEM, YOU QUIETLY TURN THE HANDLE AND EASE THE DOOR OPEN, PRESSING YOUR EYE TO THE CRACK AS YOU GENTLY PULL. THANKFULLY, THE FACILITIES ARE WELL MAINTAINED HERE AND THE DOOR DOESN'T SQUEAK AS YOU POKE YOUR NOSE OUT INTO THE EMPTY HALLWAY. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF THE ZOMBIE WENT UP OR DOWN, BUT AS YOU CREEP INTO THE STAIRWELL BEHIND THEM, IT SOUNDS LIKE NO ONE IS NEARBY. YOU CAUTIOUSLY CLIMB UP THE STAIRS, LISTENING INTENTLY AS YOU DO SO. YOU HEAR DISTANT FOOTSTEPS ON THE THIRD FLOOR AND OPT TO SKIP IT ENTIRELY, QUIETLY RUSHING AROUND THE EXPOSED CORNER BEFORE GENTLY PICKING YOUR WAY UP TO THE TOP OF THE NEXT FLIGHT, BREATHING QUIETLY BUT DEEPLY TO KEEP NOISE TO A MINIMUM. YOU CAN HEAR FOOTSTEPS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR. MORE THAN ONE SET. WITH NO IDEA WHERE THEY ALL ARE, THERE'S NO REASONABLE WAY TO WAIT THEM OUT ON THE STAIRS. THE LONGER YOU HESITATE, THE MORE LIKELY SOMEONE IS TO JUST WALK OUT IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THEN IT'S GAME OVER. THE TEACHER'S OFFICE IS ONLY A FEW DOORS DOWN. TIME TO ROLL THE DICE. [[TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND GO FOR IT.]]

THAT'S RIGHT, THE FIRE ESCAPE. IT'S VISIBLE JUST OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, AND YOU KNOW THE WINDOWS ATTACHED TO IT AREN'T LOCKED FOR SECURITY REASONS. YOU CREEP OVER TO THE WINDOW AND UNLATCH IT, SLIDING IT OPEN. IT'S A PRETTY NICE DAY OUTSIDE, MARRED BY A FEW DOZEN PROTESTER ZOMBIES OUT ON THE STREET. NOT THAT IT'S A BAD THING TO PROTEST THINGS THAT YOU FEEL ARE UNJUST, BUT A SOCIETAL INJUSTICE AND A SENSIBLE POLICY ENACTED IN THE FACE OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. ANYWAY, ONE OF THE ZOMBIES SPOTS MOVEMENT, POINTING AND SHOUTING AS YOU STICK YOUR LEG OUT THE WINDOW AND ONTO THE CATWALK. THEY RUN INSIDE THROUGH THE SMASHED OPEN DOORS AS YOU BEGIN TO CLIMB UPWARDS, PUTTING A SPRING IN YOUR STEP. ADRENALINE PUMPING IN YOUR VEINS, YOU RAPIDLY ASCEND TO THE FOURTH FLOOR WITHOUT INCIDENT. THIS IS ALL GOING SO WELL! YOU HEAR SOMEONE SHOUTING FROM BELOW AGAIN, CLOSER THIS TIME. SOMEONE CLAMBERS OUT ONTO THE FIRE ESCAPE OUT THE SAME WINDOW YOU CAME THROUGH ON THE SECOND FLOOR. TIME TO LEAVE, THEN! YOU PUSH AT THE WINDOW AND IT REMAINS STUCK FAST. YOU LOOK AT THE UNLOCKED BUT CLOSED LATCH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS AND BEGIN TO FEEL EXTREMELY STUPID. FORTUNATELY THE FEELING DOESN'T LAST LONG, AS SOMEONE STARTS TO CLIMB DOWN AT YOU FROM THE ROOF. SEEMS LIKE FIRE EXITS ARE EXITS ONLY, NOT ENTRANCES. EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE! THANKS FOR PLAYING!

YOU GLANCE TO THE RIGHT AND SEE SOMEONE WITH THEIR BACK TURNED. HOLDING YOUR BREATH, YOU SKULK DOWN LOW, SHUFFLING AS QUIETLY AS POSSIBLE TOWARDS THE TEACHERS LOUNGE. ONE DOOR, TWO DOORS, THREE DOORS. A ZOMBIE WALKS AROUND THE CORNER AHEAD OF YOU AND GASPS IN SURPRISE. A MOMENT LATER THERE'S A MATCHING SOUND FROM BEHIND YOU AS THE ZOMBIE IN FRONT OF YOU STARTS TO SHOUT, BUT YOU'RE ALREADY WRENCHING THE DOOR TO THE TEACHERS LOUNGE OPEN AND SCRAMBLING INSIDE, SLAMMING IT SHUT AND LOCKING THE DOOR BEHIND YOU, PANTING. YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, AND A MOMENT LATER SOMEONE STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR, MAKING YOU FLINCH, BUT YOU MADE IT!! "...AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING AN EXAM?" [[HOLY FUCKING SHIT.]]

YOU JUST ABOUT JUMP OUT OF YOUR SKIN AS YOU TURN AROUND, WILD EYED, TO SEE SMALLPOX-SENSEI LOOKING UP FROM HIS DESK WITH A CUP OF TEA, BEMUSED. YOU CLUTCH YOUR CHEST, HEART POUNDING, AND INFORM SMALLPOX-SENSEI THAT YOU NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK. "REALLY? WAIT, WHO IS THAT BANGING ON THE DOOR? WHY DID YOU LOCK THEM OUT?" YOU EXPLAIN IN BRIEF WHAT THE SITUATION IS REGARDING THE UNWANTED INTRUDERS. SMALLPOX-SENSEI FROWNS, PULLING OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALING SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY. HE HAS A CURT CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE AS YOU NERVOUSLY BACK AWAY FROM THE RATTLING DOOR, BEHIND WHICH SOMEONE IS CURRENTLY DEMANDING IN A MUFFLED VOICE THAT YOU SHAKE THEIR HAND. "RIGHT. OKAY, SEE YOU SOON. THANK YOU." SMALLPOX-SENSEI HANGS UP AND GESTURES TO A LOUNGE. "PLEASE, TAKE A SEAT." YOU TAKE A LOAD OFF, TRYING TO RECOVER YOUR COMPOSURE AFTER THE ORDEAL. "SO, WHY ARE YOU HERE?" [[OH. RIGHT. THAT.]]

YOU DON'T SEE THE POINT IN TRYING TO LIE TO YOUR TEACHER ABOUT WHY YOU WERE OUT OF THE EXAM HALL. YOU EXPLAIN THAT YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR CLASS ARE ALL MORE OR LESS FATED TO FAIL, AND SMALLPOX-SENSEI SIGHS, SITTING BACK DOWN AT HIS DESK. OUTSIDE OF THE LOUNGE, YOU HEAR SOME KIND OF MUFFLED COMMOTION, BUT YOUR FOCUS IS ELSEWHERE. SMALLPOX-SENSEI LOOKS MORE TIRED THAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN HIM. "IT'S NOT FAIR, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU KIDS. I SAW YOU ALL TRYING YOUR BEST BUT I KNEW THAT IT WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH. UNFORTUNATELY, AS YOUR TEACHER I CAN ONLY DO WHAT I AM ALLOWED TO DO, SO THESE EXAM ANSWERS WHICH ARE RIGHT HERE ON MY DESK ARE UNFORTUNATELY OUT OF REACH FOR YOU, FIGURATIVELY BUT NOT LITERALLY." THAT IS A WEIRD WAY TO FRAME THAT SENTENCE. "ANYWAY, IT SOUNDS LIKE LEUKOCYTES-SAN IS DONE CLEANING UP THE MESS OUTSIDE. AS YOUR TEACHER, I SHOULD GO AND EXAMINE THE SITUATION TO MAKE SURE IT IS SAFE. BE SURE TO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH WHILE I LEAVE YOU UNATTENDED IN HERE, LIKE TAKE THE EXAM ANSWERS AND DISTRIBUTE THEM AMONG YOUR CLASSMATES." YOU BLINK SEVERAL TIMES, PROCESSING THIS INFORMATION, BEFORE AGREEING NOT TO DO ANYTHING RASH. "GOOD, SEE THAT YOU DON'T. ALSO, I WANT YOU AND THE REST OF THE CLASS TO ACTUALLY STUDY WHILE SCHOOL'S OUT, OKAY? DON'T MAKE ME REGRET WHAT ISN'T ABOUT TO HAPPEN BECAUSE YOU PROMISED NOT TO DO IT." WITH THAT, SMALLPOX-SENSEI UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND EXITS THE ROOM. YOU SEE A FLASH OF CARNAGE OUTSIDE, WHERE THE JANITOR WHO'S NAME YOU DIDN'T KNOW SEEMS TO HAVE BEATEN WHOLESALE ASS USING NOTHING BUT A MOP AND THERE'S A HALF DOZEN PROTESTOR ZOMBIES GROANING AND SQUIRMING ON THE GROUND AROUND HIM. DAMN, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME IF IT HAD HAPPENED IN FRONT OF YOU. FORTUNATELY FOR ME, YOU HAVE OTHER PRIORITIES. [[YOINK.]]

TYPHOID-KUN AVOIDED SERIOUS TROUBLE FOR THE INCIDENT DURING THE EXAM, THANKS MOSTLY TO THE INTERRUPTION REGARDING THE PROTESTORS. THE ONES WHO TRIED TO BREAK INTO THE EXAM HALL WERE HANDLED BY THE TEACHERS AND STAFF PRESENT NEARBY, AND THANKS TO YOU ALERTING SMALLPOX-SENSEI, THE REST OF THEM WERE QUICKLY ROUNDED UP AND EJECTED FROM THE PREMISES. THE COMOTION WAS SO LONG LASTING THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY DISTRIBUTE THE ANSWERS TO THE EXAM AMONG THE STUDENTS BEFORE ANYONE INVOLVED WITH ADJUDICATING THE PROCEEDINGS CAN NOTICE. EVERYONE IN YOUR CLASS SUCCESSFULLY PASSES WITH AN UNSPOKEN AGREEMENT THAT Y'ALL SHOULD PROBABLY ACTUALLY EARN THE PASSING GRADE IN YOUR OWN TIME LATER, BECAUSE CHEATING IS WRONG OR WHATEVER. AFTER THE EXAM, YOU RECOUNT TALES OF YOUR HARROWING ADVENTURE TO YOUR CLASSMATES, IMPRESSING EVERYONE, INCLUDING COVID19-CHAN. AS YOU HEAD HOME THAT DAY, SHE MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH YOU AND SMILES AND WAVES. [[NICE.]]

YOU ARE AT THE BEACH AND HAVE NO SHIRT. IT IS THURSDAY. BUS TRIPS ARE BORING SO I SKIPPED THEM AND CLASSES ARE CANCELLED. BEACH EPISODE MOTHER FUCKERS. IN FRONT OF YOU IS A SPARKLING ANIME PARADISE OF BEACH RELATED ACTIVITIES. PEOPLE ARE PLAYING SOCIAL DISTANCING VOLLEYBALL WITH GLOVES ON, SOME OF YOUR CLASSMATES ARE ALREADY SWIMMING, THERE'S SAND SCULPTING, A SMALL BARBEQUE IS GOING ON... LOOK, IT'S A BEACH. USE YOUR IMAGINATION. PLUS, EVERYONE IS WEARING SWIMSUITS, INCLUDING- [[COVID19-CHAN.]]

OOH, TASTEFUL. COVID19-CHAN IS WEARING A SHAPELY ONE PIECE SWIMSUIT, MATCHED WITH A STYLISH WAIST WRAP OF SOME KIND OF LIGHT, SEE THROUGH CLOTH, A SMALL SHOULDER BAG PURSE WITH DOLPHINS ON IT, AND A STRAW HAT WITH A FRANGIPANI FLOWER ON IT. SHE LOOKS STUNNING, NOT THAT YOU AREN'T ALWAYS, UH, SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THIS ANTHROPHOMORPHISED PERSON SIZED VIRUS. IT'S UNCLEAR IF COVID19-CHAN IS A LITERAL GIGANTIC VIRUS PARTICLE IN A SWIMSUIT OR JUST A PERSONIFIED VERSION THEREOF. DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS, I WON'T JUDGE. EITHER WAY, HOLY SHIT YOU WANT TO TAP THAT. GOTTA PLAY IT COOL THOUGH. YOU SMILE AND WAVE TO HER, AND SHE LIGHTS UP AND SKIPS OVER THE SAND TO GREET YOU. "OH, YOU'RE HERE! ISN'T IT JUST LOVELY OUT? IT'S A SHAME THEY'LL BE CLOSING THE BEACHES NEXT WEEK, ISN'T IT?" YOU'RE JUST GRATEFUL THAT THERE'S NOT A HUGE CROWD. YOU SUPPOSE THAT WILL HAPPEN ON THE WEEKEND, BECAUSE NOTHING SENDS OFF A PUBLIC SPACE BEING CLOSED TO PREVENT LARGE GATHERINGS LIKE A LARGE GATHERING. COVID19-CHAN REMARKS THAT HUMANS ARE SILLY CREATURES, AREN'T THEY. [[YOU ARE INCLINED TO AGREE.]]

WELL, YOU MADE IT THIS FAR AND COVID19-CHAN IS TALKING TO YOU ANIMATEDLY. SHE HAS AN INCREDIBLE LAUGH AND SEEMS VERY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. AFTER DAYS OF TRYING INCREASINGLY INSANE THINGS TO GET HER ATTENTION, SHE SEEMS TO BE FOCUSED ON YOU TO THE EXCLUSION OF ALL ELSE. THIS IS YOUR TIME. WHATEVER YOU SUGGEST TO DO NOW WILL UNDOUBTEDLY SEAL THE DEAL AND CEMENT HER AFFECTIONS FOR YOU, ENSURING YOUR SUCCESS WHEN YOU DECLARE YOUR LOVE FOR HER TOMORROW DURING THE GRADUATION CEREMONY. DON'T FUCK THIS UP, ALRIGHT? NOW, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO TOGETHER ON THE BEACH? [[SOMETHING EXCITING.]] [[SOMETHING RELAXING.]]

YOU CONSIDER AN UNUSUAL AND WACKY ACTIVITY, THE LIKES OF WHICH WOULD CONSTITUTE AN UNEXPECTED LEFT TURN FROM THE ESTABLISHED NARRATIVE, BUT IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG WEEK THAT YOU COULD HONESTLY DO WITH SOME NORMALCY FOR ONCE. AS SUCH, COVID19-CHAN AND YOURSELF ESCHEW PAINTBALL OR WATER SKIING OR SKYDIVING OR WHATEVER WACKY THING YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE FOR SITTING DOWN AND WAITING FOR YOUR TURNS AT VOLLEYBALL. SEVERAL OF YOUR CLASSMATES PUT ON IMPRESSIVE DISPLAYS IN A SOCIALLY DISTANCED 2 V 2 FORMAT WITH PLENTY OF ROOM BETWEEN EACH PLAYER AND AN 'OUT' SECTION DOWN THE MIDDLE OF EACH SIDE OF THE PLAY AREA TO PREVENT ACCIDENTAL CONTACT. YOU AND COVID19-CHAN ENJOY SOME ICED DRINKS AND WATCH FROM THE PARASOL SHADE OF THE SPECTATORS AREA UNTIL YOUR TURN COMES UP, AND YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE TO THE COURT. ALAS, AS THIS IS A GAME ABOUT MAKING DECISIONS, YOU MUST NOW DECIDE: [[TEAM UP WITH COVID19-CHAN.]] [[PLAY AGAINST COVID19-CHAN.]]

NEARBY THERE'S A PIER WITH A TINY BEACHSIDE ESTABLISHMENT SERVING FOOD AND DRINKS. UNFORTUNATELY THEIR SEATING AREA IS CLOSED, BUT THEY'RE STILL SERVING TAKE AWAY, SO YOU PICK UP TWO OF THE MOST TROPICAL AND FRUITY DRINKS ON THE SPECIALS MENU AND THEN GO TO MEET COVID19-CHAN ON THE PIER. SHE'S WAITING FOR YOU ON A SEAT NEAR THE END, WATCHING THE WAVES AND THE CLOUDS. YOU PLACE HER DRINK AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE AND THEN SIT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE SEAT. SHE THANKS YOU, TAKES THE DRINK, AND THE TWO OF YOU WATCH THE WAVES COME IN FOR A MOMENT. YOU SPOT TYPHOID-KUN TRYING TO BODYSURF. HE SCREWS UP RIDING THE WAVE AND EATS SAND, AND THE TWO OF YOU TITTER TO YOURSELVES QUIETLY. "IT'S BEEN A WILD WEEK, HUH?" IT SURE HAS. "I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, THOUGH." OH? "YEAH. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SUCH A RELIABLE FRIEND FOR ME, EVER SINCE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER. BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PAST WEEK... THE FESTIVAL, THE MARATHON, THE EXAM... I GUESS, I KNEW YOU WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME, BUT I NEVER REALLY SAW YOU LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEFORE NOW." YOU LOOK UP, AND COVID19-CHAN IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU. SHE'S CLOSE. "I GUESS, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS... THANK YOU, FOR BEING THERE FOR ME SO OFTEN, AND FOR BEING A GOOD FRIEND." [[NOW KISS.]] [[THANK HER VERBALLY RATHER THAN PHYSICALLY.]]

THE OBVIOUS CHOICE. YOU JOG ONTO THE SAND NEXT TO YOUR CRUSH, BOTH GRINNING AT EACH OTHER. TYPHOID-KUN SHOUTS SOME ENCOURAGEMENT AT YOU AS YOU BOTH SQUARE UP, YOU TAKING A DEFENSIVE STANCE CLOSE TO THE NET AND COVID19-CHAN LINING UP FOR A SERVE. THE TWO STUDENTS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE NET CROUCH SLIGHTLY, PREPARING. COVID19-CHAN INHALES, EVERYONE GOES QUIET, AND SHE TOSSES THE VOLLEYBALL UP. IT SHINES IN THE SUNLIGHT, SPINNING IN THE AIR, AND EVERY NECK CRANES UPWARDS AS IT RISES, THEN STOPS, THEN BEGINS TO FALL. COVID19-CHAN WALLOPS IT WITH EYE-WIDENING POWER, AND THE RECEIVING PLAYER MANAGES TO DEFLECT IT UPWARDS OUT OF SHEER FLINCHING LUCK, FALLING ON THEIR ASS IN A SPRAY OF SAND AS THE BALL SPIRALS INTO THE SKY. THE OTHER STUDENT RUNS, RAPIDLY APPROACHING THE BALL'S TRAJECTORY, CLEARLY INTENDING TO STRIKE BACK HARD. YOU SEE IT ALL HAPPEN IN SLOW MOTION. YOU CAN HANG BACK AND ATTEMPT TO PASS THE BALL COVID19-CHAN'S WAY, OR YOU CAN ALSO APPROACH AND TRY FOR A BLOCK. CONVENIENTLY, YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DECIDE, AS YOUR OPPONENT FLOATS IN MID SPRINT AND THE BALL ROTATES IN THE AIR, STUCK IN PLACE UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO ADVANCE THE NARRATIVE FURTHER. [[PASS.]] [[BLOCK.->PASS.]]

OF COURSE, THE OBVIOUS CHOICE. THIS WAY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK HER IN THE EYE THE WHOLE TIME, AND HOPEFULLY IMPRESS HER! YOU JOG ONTO THE SAND OPPOSITE YOUR CRUSH, BOTH OF YOU GRINNING AT EACH OTHER. TYPHOID-KUN SHOUTS SOME ENCOURAGEMENT AT YOU AS YOU BOTH SQUARE UP, YOU TAKING A DEFENSIVE STANCE CLOSE TO THE NET AND COVID19-CHAN LINING UP FOR A SERVE. THE STUDENT YOU'VE PARTNERED WITH SHAKES THEMSELVES OUT, STEPPING LIGHTLY ON THE SAND, READY TO RECEIVE THE SERVE. COVID19-CHAN INHALES, EVERYONE GOES QUIET, AND SHE TOSSES THE VOLLEYBALL UP. IT SHINES IN THE SUNLIGHT, SPINNING IN THE AIR, AND EVERY NECK CRANES UPWARDS AS IT RISES, THEN STOPS, THEN BEGINS TO FALL. COVID19-CHAN WALLOPS IT WITH EYE-WIDENING POWER, AND YOUR TEAMMATE MANAGES TO DEFLECT IT UPWARDS OUT OF SHEER FLINCHING LUCK, FALLING ON THEIR ASS IN A SPRAY OF SAND AS THE BALL SPIRALS INTO THE SKY. YOU RUN, INTERCEPTING THE BALL'S TRAJECTORY, AND PUNCH THE BALL BACK OVER THE NET IN AN ATTEMPT TO BUY ENOUGH TIME FOR YOUR TEAMMATE TO GET BACK ON THEIR FEET. YOUR COUNTER-ATTACK IS EASILY PICKED UP BY COVID19-CHAN'S TEAMMATE, WHO SETS THE BALL NEAR THE NET. COVID19-CHAN RUNS FORWARD IN A STARTLING TURN OF SPEED, KICKING UP SAND BEHIND HER AS SHE MOVES IN TO SPIKE. YOU SEE IT ALL HAPPEN IN SLOW MOTION. YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE MAILED A VOLLEYBALL AT THE SPEED OF SOUND. COVID19-CHAN LEAPS, SHOUTING A BATTLE CRY. [[YOU TRY TO DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD BLOCK OR JUST DIVE OUT OF THE W->PASS.]]

LATER IN THE AFTERNOON, YOU ARE NURSING A BLACK EYE WITH AN ICE PACK. COVID19-CHAN IS WORRYING ABOUT YOU, CONVINCED THAT THIS IS SOMEHOW HER FAULT, BUT YOU ASSURE HER THAT GETTING HIT DIRECTLY IN THE FACE IS JUST PART OF THE GAME SOMETIMES AND THAT SHE SHOULDN'T WORRY. "STILL. YOU REALLY TOOK A BIG HIT, THERE. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?" YOU CORRECTLY DEDUCE THAT THE COVID19-CHAN IN THE MIDDLE IS THE REAL ONE, AND ASSURE HER THAT IT'S NOT TOO BAD. SHE SMILES AT YOU, SITTING BACK AGAINST THE SAND. "IT'S BEEN A WILD WEEK, HUH?" IT SURE HAS. "I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, THOUGH." OH? "YEAH. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SUCH A RELIABLE FRIEND FOR ME, EVER SINCE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER. BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PAST WEEK... THE FESTIVAL, THE MARATHON, THE EXAM... I GUESS, I KNEW YOU WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME, BUT I NEVER REALLY SAW YOU LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEFORE NOW." YOU LOOK UP, AND COVID19-CHAN IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU. SHE'S CLOSE. "I GUESS, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS... THANK YOU, FOR BEING THERE FOR ME SO OFTEN, AND FOR BEING A GOOD FRIEND." [[NOW KISS.]] [[THANK HER VERBALLY RATHER THAN PHYSICALLY.]]

THERE'S SOMETHING ROMANTIC ABOUT TRAGEDY, HUH. IT'S A GREAT KISS, YOU THINK TO YOURSELF AS YOU INSTANTLY DIE. YOU UH, WIN? I GUESS??? THANKS FOR PLAYING!

HEH, YOU'VE BEEN DODGING DEATH ALL WEEK, YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT. YOU TELL HER THAT YOU APPRECIATE THAT SHE'S BEEN THERE FOR YOU AS WELL, AND THAT SHE'S A VERY SPECIAL FRIEND TO YOU. SHE BLUSHES AND LOOKS AWAY, FLUSTERED BY YOUR SWEETNESS. THE SCENE IS SET. NOW ALL THAT'S LEFT IS TO [[GRADUATE.]]

HERE IT IS. IT'S TAKEN A LOT OF WORK? OR AT LEAST, ACTIVITY AND DECISIONS. YOU'VE BEEN KNOCKED OUT, KNOCKED DOWN A PEG, BEEN IN SEVERAL LIFE THREATENING SITUATIONS, SOME OF WHICH WEREN'T EVEN RELATED TO THE INSTANT DEATH CAUSED BY VIOLATING THE CONCEPT OF SOCIAL DISTANCING. YOU'VE TRIED YOUR BEST, INGRATIATED YOURSELF WITH COVID19-CHAN, NOT FAILED YOUR ASS OUT OF SCHOOL, AND ARRIVED AT THE END OF THE WEEK INTACT. NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GRADUATE. [[THIS APPARENTLY INVOLVES AN UNEARTHLY AMOUNT OF WAITING.]]

EVERY STUDENT IS ASSIGNED A SEAT, DOUBLE SPACED BECAUSE SOCIAL DISTANCING. THE SCHOOL HAS PROVIDED MATCHING ROBES AND HATS FOR EVERY STUDENT WHICH ARE APPARENTLY WASHED AND REUSED EACH YEAR, AND FIT NEATLY INTO THE MYSTERIOUS ONE SIZE FITS NONE CATEGORY THAT CAN ONLY BE ACHIEVED BY UNDERFUNDED TEACHERS. YOUR ROBE SMELLS LIKE MOTHBALLS AND THE VELCRO ON THE SIDE DOESN'T CLOSE PROPERLY. YOU ARE ALL SUMMARILY WARNED NOT TO THROW THE HATS AT ANY POINT. YOU ARE ALL THEN INSTRUCTED TO SIT IN YOUR ASSIGNED SEAT, WHEREUPON YOU WILL BE CALLED ONE AT A TIME TO APPROACH THE STAGE, GET YOUR DISINFECTED GLOVES ON HANDSHAKE AND YOUR CERTIFICATE, THERE WILL BE A 2.8 SECOND PAUSE FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO TAKE PHOTOS, AND THEN YOU WILL TAKE YOUR SEAT AND WAIT FOR THE REST OF THE CEREMONY. THIS IS ALREADY AN HOURS LONG, ONEROUS EXPERIENCE, BUT FOR REASONS YOU CAN ONLY ASSUME ARE RELATED TO A NATURAL SADISM, THE PRINCIPAL HAS INSISTED THAT YOU ALL DO A DRESS REHEARSAL BEFORE THE REAL DEAL. [[IT IS MIND NUMBINGLY, INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS.]]

"OH MY GOD, DUDE." YOU LOOK UP FROM THE HOLE YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO STARE IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU. BEHIND YOU AND TO THE LEFT, TYPHOID-KUN IS SPRAWLED IN HIS SEAT, NEARLY SIDEWAYS. "IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE THIS THING STARTED. HOW ARE WE STILL NOT DONE YET?" YOU SUPPOSE THIS IS JUST THE NATURE OF AMBITIOUS PROJECTS THAT SEEM LIKE AN EASY IDEA WHEN YOU START THEM, ONLY FOR THE SCOPE TO CONTINUE BALLOONING OUT EVERY TIME YOU HIT A DECISION POINT AND CONTINUE TO FOLLOW YOUR MOST INSANE WHIMS. "NO I MEAN LIKE, THE CEREMONY." OH, RIGHT. YOU SUPPOSE THEY COULD AT LEAST PLAY SOME MUSIC OR SOMETHING TO MAKE IT LESS DULL DURING REHEARSAL. "YEAH, AS IF THOUGH." TYPHOID-KUN ROTATES HIMSELF UPRIGHT AND GESTURES TO YOUR RIGHT. YOU LOOK, AND SURE ENOUGH, COVID19-CHAN IS SITTING THREE ROWS AHEAD OF YOU AND OVER. SHE SEEMS ATTENTIVE, ALTHOUGH YOU CAN'T TELL FROM BEHIND IF SHE'S PAYING ATTENTION OR IF SHE'S JUST VERY GOOD AT NAPPING WHILE SITTING UPRIGHT. "SO... WHAT'S THE PLAN?" THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION. [[YOU REMEMBER HEARING THAT GIVING THE SECOND BUTTON OF YOUR SCHOOL JACKET TO YOUR CRUSH UPON GRADUATION IS SUPPOSED TO BE A VERY ROMANTIC GESTURE.]] [[YOU'RE GOING TO TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU LOVE COVID19-CHAN ON STAGE.]] [[YOU NEED TO FIND A BOOMBOX SO YOU CAN PLAY 'IN YOUR EYES' FROM OUTSIDE.]]

"THAT'S UNUSUALLY SPECIFIC." THE HELL YEAH IT IS. THIS WILL WIN YOU COVID19-CHAN'S AFFECTIONS FOR SURE. "YEAH, PROBABLY." TYPHOID-KUN LOOKS INTROSPECTIVE FOR A MOMENT. [[WHAT'S UP, MAN.]]

"THAT'S PRETTY BOLD. STRAIGHTFORWARD, BUT BOLD." YEAH IT IS. YOU'VE ACHIEVED SO MUCH BY JUST GOING FOR IT AND NOT HOLDING BACK, SO YOU FIGURE THIS IS YOUR BEST BET. AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU WILL HAVE TRIED YOUR HARDEST. "YEAH, FOR SURE." TYPHOID-KUN LOOKS INTROSPECTIVE FOR A MOMENT. [[WHAT'S UP, MAN.]]

"WOULD SHE EVEN GET THAT REFERENCE? WOULD ANYONE? DO KIDS EVEN KNOW WHAT A BOOM BOX EVEN IS ANYMORE?" LISTEN, 'SAY ANYTHING...' CAME OUT IN 1989 AND THE TIME TO MAKE THAT REFERENCE IS RAPIDLY DWINDLING AWAY, IT'S ACT NOW OR REGRET NOT DOING IT FOREVER. BESIDES, COVID19-CHAN IS HIP WITH THE REFERENCES, 90'S NOSTALGIA IS COOL NOW. "YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'LL PROBABLY REALLY APPRECIATE IT." TYPHOID-KUN LOOKS INTROSPECTIVE FOR A MOMENT. [[WHAT'S UP, MAN.]]

"WELL, I MEAN. ARE YOU LIKE, SURE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS? WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO? WHAT IF SHE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS? I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU GET HURT." THE MOMENT OF GENUINE INTROSPECTION FROM A REAL FRIEND PUTS YOU OFF YOUR RHYTHM, BRIEFLY. YOU'RE TOUCHED THAT TYPHOID-KUN ACTUALLY CARES. "OF COURSE I CARE, MAN. WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOREVER. I KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR SIGHTS SET ON COVID19-CHAN, AND I CAN SEE WHY, SHE'S SUPER GREAT. AND SHE'S INSPIRED YOU TO REALLY PUSH YOURSELF LATELY, I CAN SEE THAT. JUST DON'T, UH, DON'T PREDICATE YOUR SELF WORTH ON A RELATIONSHIP, I GUESS." YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT HE MEANS. "I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL YOU GOT DONE. LOOK HOW FAR YOU CAME. EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU DID A GOOD JOB, AND YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE THAT FOR YOURSELF. RELATIONSHIPS DON'T FIX PROBLEMS, THEY DON'T MAKE YOU WHOLE. BEING DRIVEN BY SOMEONE IS FINE BUT, JUST..." "MAKE SURE YOU'RE DOING IT FOR YOURSELF, ALRIGHT?" [[HE IS TAKING THIS WAY TOO SERIOUSLY FOR A JOKE GAME ABOUT DATING A DISEASE.]]

"YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. JUST, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AS WELL, KNUCKLEHEAD." YOU PROMISE. WITH TIME, ALL THINGS END. JOKES, STORIES, QUESTS, THEY ALL EVENTUALLY CONCLUDE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH FUN THEY MIGHT BE. SOME OF THEM FINISH NATURALLY, SOME OF THEM PETER OUT, AND SOME OF THEM STRETCH WELL PAST THE POINT WHERE IT'S FUNNY, THEN INTO SOME KIND OF SURREAL ANTI HUMOUR, THEN ALL THE WAY BACK TO FUNNY AGAIN. YOU KNOW, HOPEFULLY. THE PRACTICE GRADUATION COMES AND GOES, AND THEN PEOPLE'S FAMILIES START SHOWING UP FOR THE REAL EVENT. DESPITE BEING STIFF FROM HAVING TO SIT AND DO NOTHING FOR NEARLY AN ENTIRE SCHOOL DAY, YOU START TO GET A LITTLE NERVOUS NOW THAT THE REAL DEAL IS HAPPENING. YOUR SPOT ON THE GRADUATION LIST IS A SOLID TWO THIRDS OF THE WAY THROUGH THE YEAR, SO BY THE TIME YOU ARE CALLED UPON, IT'S STARTING TO GET DARK OUT. YOU MARCH YOUR WAY DOWN THE AISLE, NODDING AT SMALLPOX-SENSEI AS YOU CLIMB THE STAIRS UP ONTO THE STAGE. HE WINKS AT YOU, AND THEN YOU FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON THE PRINCIPAL. THE PRINCIPAL OFFERS YOU YOUR CERTIFICATE WITH A LITERAL PAIR OF TONGS. YOU TAKE IT IN BOTH HANDS, AND TURN TO FACE A SEA OF FACES. YOUR HEART IS BEATING IN YOUR CHEST AS YOU TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND PREPARE TO PROJECT YOUR VOICE AS LOUDLY AS YOU CAN. [[I LOVE YOU, COVID19-CHAN.]]

DID YOU END UP GETTING THE GIRL? WELL, YOU KNOW, RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED AND THINGS DON'T ALWAYS WORK OUT. SOME PEOPLE PARTNER UP FOR LIFE AND SOME PEOPLE DRIFT. WHETHER OR NOT A RELATIONSHIP WORKS OUT REALLY COMES DOWN TO YOU, AT THE END OF THE DAY. IF YOU'RE WILLING TO PUT IN THE WORK AND REALLY TRY TO GET TO KNOW HER, I'M SURE YOU WILL HAVE A LONG AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FUCKING CORONAVIRUS, AS LONG AS YOU NEVER ACTUALLY TOUCH HER. THIS WAS A DEEPLY STUPID IDEA FROM START TO FINISH, AND I HOPE YOU HAD AS MUCH FUN WITH IT AS I DID. IF YOU LIKED THIS AND FELT ENTERTAINED FOR A WHILE BY IT, CONSIDER <a href="https://www.paypal.me/iaquil"; target="_blank">PAYING A BUCK FOR IT</a>, OR EVEN JUST SHARE IT WITH SOME FRIENDS WHO YOU THINK MIGHT GET A KICK OUT OF AN ALL CAPS SHITPOST THAT'S OVER FIFTEEN THOUSAND WORDS LONG ABOUT TRYING TO DATE A DISEASE. IN THE MEANTIME, IF YOU WANNA DISCUSS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS DATING SIM IN PARTICULAR OR JUST STAY UP TO DATE ON MY LATEST STUPID IDEA YOU CAN CATCH ME ON <a href="https://twitter.com/ia_quillthing"; target="_blank">TWITTER</a> OR DROP ME AN EMAIL AT ITAKARE.SOUND@GMAIL.COM WHAT A WEIRD JOURNEY THIS HAS BEEN. THANKS FOR COMING WITH ME ON IT. AND AS ALWAYS. THANKS FOR PLAYING! THE END.

THIS IS THE ONLY SENSIBLE OPTION. SERIOUSLY, THE BARRETT IS SO BIG YOU COULD USE IT TO PITCH A TENT. WHY DOES YOUR SCHOOL EVEN HAVE ONE OF THOSE, THAT HAS TO BE ALL KINDS OF ILLEGAL. WHATEVER. LET'S SHOOT SOME GOSH DARN CLAY TARGETS. THIS SHOTGUN HAS A SKEET CHOKE, WITH A WIDER SPREAD, MORE SUITED TO BEGINNERS. AFTER A CONSIDERABLE WAIT, YOU ARE SUPPLIED WITH 25 SHELLS AND ASKED TO BEGIN, AND MOVE TO STATION ONE. MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS EVENT HAVE ALREADY PLAYED, SO THE GROUND IS LITTERED WITH CLAY FRAGMENTS. YOU CALL FOR THE FIRST TARGET, KNOWING THAT UNDER OLYMPIC RULES THERE WILL BE BETWEEN 0 TO 3 SECONDS OF DELAY BEFORE THE TARGET IS FIRED. UH. WHICH DIRECTION IS IT GOING TO COME FROM, AGAIN? [[HIGH HOUSE.]] [[LOW HOUSE.]]

[[<img src="Media/Images/Social_Distancing.png" class="responsive">->Start]] (click image to start) <a href="https://twitter.com/ia_quillthing"; target="_blank">Written by Ia</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/netflixeon"; target="_blank">Cover image by Chill</a> Like the twine? Share it with your friends or maybe consider <a href="https://www.paypal.me/iaquil"; target="_blank">giving me a buck</a>, this ended up being a much bigger project than I was anticipating! Beyond this point there are only capital letters, you have been warned.