Lovely Pleasant Teatime Simulator

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(unless: (saved-games:) contains "Game Over")[(set: $footer to false)It is a fine afternoon in the quaint Yorkshire village of Reeth, and you have been invited to enjoy Mrs. Weatherby's famous Afternoon Tea. This is sure to be a nice, relaxing, and above all uneventful social occasion where absolutely nothing awful will happen whatsoever and everybody involved will have a wonderful time. ❀ [[Knock on the door.]] ❀](else:)[(load-game: "Game Over")]

You knock on the door. After a brief moment fumbling with the lock, Mrs. Weatherby opens it, both hands encased in thick, floral-print oven gloves. "Oh, hello dearie!" she says. "You're just in time: the scones will only be a minute more. Why don't you come on in and join us?" ❀ (link:"Take a seat in the '70s-style sitting room.")[(set: $footer to true)(goto:"event")] ❀

{ (set: $score to 0) (set: $eventPool to (a: "scones", "cat", "painting", "decoupage", "tea", "pacifically")) (set: $scoreThreshold to ($eventPool's length)) (set: $doucheThreshold to (2 * $scoreThreshold)) (set: $event to "scones") (set: $footer to true) }

(if: $footer is true)[ (text-colour: "grey")[Score: $score]]

{ (set: $score to it + 1) (set: _event to $event) (if: $score is 1)[(display: "scones")](else:)[ (set: $event to (either: ...$eventPool)) (if: $event is _event)[(display: "reroll")] (else:)[(display: $event)]] }

Mrs. Weatherby brings a tray of scones from the kitchen, along with a large pot of homemade strawberry jam and a plastic tub of clotted cream. "Do help yourself!" she says. ❀ [[Cream first, then jam.]] ❀ [[Jam first, then cream.]]{ }(if: $score > $scoreThreshold)[ ❀ [[Strip naked, slather self with jam, then roll around on every available upholstered surface]]]{ }(if: $score > $doucheThreshold)[ ❀ (display: "douche option")] ❀

You apply a generous layer of cream to the scone, then add a dollop of jam. You notice that Mrs. Weatherby does the same. (display: "connector")

You spread some of the chunky strawberry jam on your scone, then add a blob of cream. You notice that Mrs. Weatherby does the opposite. (display: "connector")

You take off all your clothes, dump them on the floor, then dunk your hands in the pot of homemade strawberry jam and rub it all over yourself (making sure to get it into every nook and cranny). Once that's done, you begin rubbing it off on every inch of upholstery that isn't protected by one of Mrs. Weatherby's bemused and appalled guests. Most of the upholstery is inaccessible for this reason, to be honest: her tea parties are always quite well attended. Listen, I don't know if you were doing this specifically to be a dick, or if you're going through some personal stuff right now, but everybody else in the room assumes it's the second one. They're genuinely concerned for you, which in a way is nice. The stickiness, however, is definitely not. (display: "game over")

the Weatherbys' beloved tortoiseshell, Peaches, wanders into the sitting room. She stands in the doorway for a moment, back arched, then proceeds to rub up against the sofa upon which you are seated. ❀ [[Pet the cat.]] ❀ [[Don't pet the cat.]]{ }(if: $score > $scoreThreshold)[ ❀ [[Punch the cat.]]]{ }(if: $score > $doucheThreshold)[ ❀ (display: "douche option")] ❀

You pet Peaches. She purrs contentedly as she weaves around your ankles. (display: "connector")

You don't pet Peaches. She stares at you, blinking occasionally, then pads back into the kitchen where she begins to drink noisily from her bowl. (display: "connector")

You punch Peaches, the adorable little ball of orange and cream fluff who never did anything to you besides look on pleadingly in hopes of treats. Everybody is rightly appalled. Mr. and Mrs. Weatherby insist on pressing charges. You become a social pariah. Seriously, what did you think was going to happen? You cat-punching douchebag, you. (display: "game over")

{ (either: "[[TAKE A DUMP ON THE RUG]]", "[[MENTION BREXIT]]", "[[MENTION TRUMP]]", "[[CASUALLY SPARK UP A CRACK PIPE]]", "[[LOUDLY IMITATE THE NOKIA RINGTONE]]", "[[THROW A CHAIR THROUGH THE WINDOW, CLIMB OUT, THEN THROW THE CHAIR BACK IN THROUGH A DIFFERENT WINDOW]]" ) }

You pull down your trousers, squat over the thick shag pile rug and... ...yeah. It turns out you don't have to go right now. But still everybody in the room can tell what your intention was and they're all very unhappy about it. (display: "game over")

"Brexit," you announce, in a nonchalant sort of way. "Get out," says Mr. Weatherby, his grey moustache quivering with rage. (display: "game over")

You take a deep breath: "Donald T-" "Get out," says Mr. Weatherby, a massive vein on his forehead pulsing with anger. (display: "game over")

You take out and light a crack pipe, but despite how incredibly subtle you are about the whole thing people still notice. You politely offer it around. Everybody is faintly appalled. Oh well! More crack for you. (display: "game over")

''"NA-NA NAAAA-NAAAA NA-NA NAAAA-NAAAA NA-NA-NAAA-NAAA-NAAA!!!"'' you bellow, like a douche. Everybody is mildly off-put. You have //ruined// this social occasion. (display: "game over")

You...well, I feel as though there's very little point re-describing that thing you just chose to do. It is very clear that your intention was to throw a chair through the window (breaking it in the process), then to climb out of the Weatherby residence through the resultant means of egress, then throw the chair back inside through a different window (breaking that one as well). This is precisely what you do. Your decision to break two windows (and seriously damage an antique chair) for no discernable reason goes down about as well as you might expect. (display: "game over")

{ (set: $footer to false) (set: $score to it -1000) (save-game: "Game Over") }(text-colour: "grey")[(text-style: "smear")[(text-colour: "black")[Your final score is $score]]] (text-style: "superscript")[(text-colour: "grey")[Tweet a screenshot with hashtag (link-reveal: "#LovelyPleasantTeatime")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/hashtag/LovelyPleasantTeatime")] to earn your place in history.]]

{ (set: _event to $event) (set: $event to (either: ...$eventPool)) (if: $event is _event)[(display: "reroll")] (else:)[(display: $event)] }

Mr. Weatherby draws the attention of the room to a fine oil painting of a Clydesdale horse he purchased for a very fair price at the market last Friday. ❀ [[Comment on the bold use of gestural abstraction in the pastoral scene behind the subject of the painting.]] ❀ [[Admit that you know very little about art, but the painting is nevertheless a lovely addition to the room.]]{ }(if: $score > $scoreThreshold)[ ❀ [[Grab the painting and stick your head through it. From the back. Right in the place where the horse's head is.]]]{ }(if: $score > $doucheThreshold)[ ❀ (display: "douche option")] ❀

There are intrigued murmurs from the rest of the guests. Your comment leads Ms. Beaumont - a retired art teacher - to observe that the style of the brushwork is not consistent with the variety of mid-18th Century livestock painting that Mr. Weatherby believed this to be, and you are initially concerned that drawing attention to it may have been something of a faux pas. However, this in turn leads to an extremely rewarding discussion on the fundamental value of the visual arts. Ultimately you all agree that although authentic historical pieces have a certain appeal, innovation in modern works is probably a worthier goal than mere replication of the past. (display: "connector")

There are approving murmurs from the others in the room. (display: "connector")

You grab the painting and punch your head through the back of the canvas, right where the horse's head appears on the front. "Check it out, lol!" you shout. "I'm BoJack Horseman!" Mr. Weatherby is absolutely devastated by the irreversible damage to his prized piece. In hindsight, you don't think it was such a good joke either. BoJack Horseman has a human body but a horse's head, whereas your stunt made it look as if you had a horse's body but a human head. It pretty much didn't work on any level. (display: "game over")

(either: "It just so happens that at this moment,", "Rather suddenly,", "It is here that", "It as it this point in time that", "A moment later,", "After a minute or so,", "Just then,", "Here,", "Momentarily,") (display: "event")

Mrs. Littlewood remarks that she and her husband have taken an interest in découpage of late, and retrieves from her handbag her most recent item: a small wooden box plastered with pictures cut from magazines. It is not a particularly fine example of the craft. ❀ [[Offer a polite compliment.]] ❀ [[Offer a suggestion as to how she might improve.]]{ }(if: $score > $scoreThreshold)[ ❀ [[Drop-kick the box into the fireplace.]]]{ }(if: $score > $doucheThreshold)[ ❀ (display: "douche option")] ❀

You say that you like the dinky little box, and also that the range of images chosen makes for quite a nice overall effect. Mrs. Littlewood tells you that it's good of you to be so kind but she's aware her work is far from perfect: she's only just started, and still has a lot to learn. Mr. Dawson says something about upcycling. (display: "connector")

You praise Mrs. Littlewood's innovation, but suggest that her decision to decorate the box with the cast of //Love Island// might date the work rather quickly. Indeed, even a hypothetical work of interactive fiction merely referencing the box could quite quickly become dated the same way. Mrs. Littlewood accepts your point, but hadn't necessarily expected to keep the box on display for very long: she hopes her later attempts will be significantly more polished. Ms. Beaumont points out that, actually, having a reminder of when she made this first foray into découpage may prove welcome in years to come. (display: "connector")

BOOM! TEN POINTS!!! Unfortunately, Mrs. Weatherby's fireplace isn't a simple stone hearth. It's one of those gas fires with a glass screen in front of it. And when you punt Mrs. Littlewood's painstakingly decorated découpage box into it, one of the hinges puts a big crack into the glass. That's going to be quite expensive to repair. The box itself basically just shatters. Even if you could find all the little fragments and glue them back together, it would look a total mess. Mrs. Littlewood is understandably distraught. If this was what you wanted, you're clearly a dick. If it wasn't, then...uh...I...uh... I'm not sure what you were going for, really. You should have known this was going to happen. (display: "game over")

Mrs. Weatherby offers you another cup of tea. You've probably had enough already. ❀ [[Gladly accept.]] ❀ [[Politely decline.]]{ }(if: $score > $scoreThreshold)[ ❀ [[Yell "Look over there!" and then chug the entire contents of the teapot while everyone's distracted.]]]{ }(if: $score > $doucheThreshold)[ ❀ (display: "douche option")] ❀

there is a gap in the conversation. Ms. Beaumont fills it by saying: "I've just made a start on Lisa Jewell's //Then She Was Gone//, and I have to say it's quite a bit darker than I was expecting! Anybody else read that one?" "I've got a few of her books," says Mrs. Littlewood, "but not that one pacifically." ❀ [[Point out that the word is "specifically." "Pacifically" is not a word at all.]] ❀ [[Ignore Mrs. Littlewood's linguistic slip-up: it was clear enough what she meant.]]{ }(if: $score > $scoreThreshold)[ ❀ [[Invite everybody to point at Mrs. Littlewood and laugh because she's such a moron.]]]{ }(if: $score > $doucheThreshold)[ ❀ (display: "douche option")] ❀

You accept another cup of tea, considering that you don't necessarily have to drink it: merely having a full cup will hopefully prevent you from having to decline a further offer. (display: "connector")

You politely decline the cup of tea. (display: "connector")

"Look over there!" you yell. Mrs. Weatherby looks over there. Everyone else in the room - that is, everyone who wasn't already looking at you - turns to look at you, either to try and work out why you're shouting, or to check which direction it is that you're pointing. Whatever the reason, everyone //except// Mrs. Weatherby is staring directly at you as you begin to chug the scalding hot contents of the teapot. Glug. Glug. Glug. Ow. Glug. Glug. Ow. It's hot. It takes quite a while for you to consume the entire contents of the teapot. It feels as though you have done your mouth a serious injury. And it's all the more awkward because Mrs. Weatherby looked back at you after basically just a fraction of a second, so...yeah. I'm not certain what you were hoping to achieve here, but I'm //positive// this wasn't it. (display: "game over")

You explain that the word is "specifically," from the Latin "specificus," meaning "particular." It shares the same roots as "species," but nevertheless the mistake is a common one. Mrs. Littlewood admits with some embarrassment that she has certainly been making it for quite some time, but is glad of the correction. (display: "connector")

You say nothing, not wishing to appear a pedant. However, Ms. Beaumont has no such reservations. She points out that the word is indeed "specifically," not "pacifically," and offers a brief description of its Latin roots. Mrs. Littlewood is somewhat embarrassed, but admits that she would have been more embarrassed had she been allowed to continue to say the wrong thing. You sense that her friendship with Ms. Beaumont has only been strengthened by the episode. (display: "connector")

"Ha ha ha!" you guffaw, pointing at Mrs. Littlewood. "That's not a word! You're a great big stupid-head!" Yeah, you're //real// fun at parties. (display: "game over")