Grossblins

Prelude Hi, I'm the author, Geoffrey Golden. Thanks for playing Grossblins! This story will be published on Adventure Snack, my adventure gamebook email newsletter! Sign-up for free at AdventureSnack.com to play more than 25 micro-gamebooks like this one, and I'll turn your inbox into an adventure. Ready to play? Begin with the [[Introduction]].

You are the manager of the local Poopie's Pranks, a nationally-tolerated novelty store found in mostly-abandoned malls. Poopie's specializes in such delights as 50th birthday cards that briefly electrocute the opener, edible panties that taste like rotten sauerkraut, and plastic hedge stones with phrases like, "Here Lies a Total Dumb-Ass" that fart when you pass by them. It's a snowy night and the mall is quiet. After cleaning a silly string explosion in the "Guffaws" aisle, you get ready to lock up. That's when you hear a wet pitter-patter on the linoleum outside the store. Is this another bathroom sewage leak? No, because these splishes are being accompanied by churlish laughter. You walk outside the store and look around. Nothing but fluorescent lit benches, a trash can, and your neighboring store across the aisle, Bandanarama. Behind you, there are several loud crashes! What would you like to do? [[Inspect the noise.]] [[Run away!]]

You turn around to see what happened. The glass door of Poopie's is shattered. Inside, your store is besieged by Grossblins, those slimy, knee-high, comically murderous little demons! You've seen them wreak havoc on the news. One time they pretended to be news anchors and they had little suits and ties. Monstrous! There are well-publicised rules about how to propagate and defeat them, but in a panic, you can't remember any of them. There are 20 Grossblins tearing up Poopie's Pranks! They're stretching out the Blunder Bras, ripping down the black light alien rastafari posters, spraying out bottles of Astronaut Cheez at each other, and stealing all the money from the cash register. Damn it, you need that money! What would you like to do? [[Lock the Grossblins into the store.]] [[Try and remember the rules about Grossblins]] If you would like to prank the Grossblins away, text someone you know with an iPhone a GIF of <a href="https://tenor.com/view/imessage-texting-bubble-typing-loading-gif-13284753">"typing dots"</a> and nothing else until they reply. [[If they are fooled...]] [[If they are not fooled, but find it amusing...]] [[If they are not fooled and find it confusing...]] [[If they are upset with you...]]

The crash catches you by surprise! You don't even want to see what's happening. You just bolt for the mall exit. In a few moments, you find your dented Nissan Sentra, put the key in the ignition, and go, go, go. You decide to drive for the state line about 100 miles away. Sure, this might be a bit of an overreaction to hearing a loud noise, but you've never been one to take chances. You burn rubber at 35 mph - 15 miles below the speed limit - and never look back. Eventually, you'll need a new job, a new apartment, and a new family, but that's a problem for tomorrow. THE END Play again? Return to the [[Introduction]].

There's no way you're going back inside Poopie's with those disgusting little demons in there. True, you do have to deal with people's bratty children at the store all day, but at least kids don't have sharp teeth! Usually! You run to the metal chain at the right of the store and quickly pull it. Before the Grossblins realize what's happening, the aluminum security shutters are down. They're trapped. The Grossblins punch and claw at the slats, but they can't burst through. You book it to the mall parking lot and hope you dreamed the whole thing. The next day, you wake up at 6:40 am to a phone call. The store owner wants to know why - when he came into the store this morning - he was practically mauled to death by a bunch of scaly monsters. You explain that by locking up the Grossblins, you prevented them from invading the rest of the mall and getting into town. Your boss says that's noble of you, then fires you, then threatens to sue you. Stopping a Grossblin invasion was worth this crummy job. Plus, word is that the local Goth Topic is hiring, and they offer dental insurance (for visible teeth)! THE END Play again? Return to the [[Introduction]].

As the Grossblins destroy the prank shop, you're deep in thought. "Something happens when they eat deep dish pizza," you try to remember. "Either they die instantly... or get very horny. Wait... is it both? No, I think they're not supposed to have over 2000 calories per day or they get heart disease. Okay, there's another rule about music. Light jazz makes them multiply... Hip-hop gives them unique personalities... But what about hip-hop with jazz samples? Does it do both? Or do the effects cancel each other out? And isn't there another rule about not letting them open their Christmas presents until after Labor Day?" The Grossblins are shredding the t-shirts where monkeys ride banana motorcycles, and you've lost valuable time! To prank the Grossblins away, text someone you know with an iPhone a GIF of <a href="https://tenor.com/view/imessage-texting-bubble-typing-loading-gif-13284753">"typing dots"</a> and nothing else until they reply. [[If they are fooled...]] Otherwise... [[->If they are upset with you...]]

Something catches your eye at the front entrance to the mall. One of the Grossblins' disfigured bodies lay in the rock salt outside. You suddenly remember salt melts both snow and Grossblins. That was one of the very memorable rules! Time to prank into action. You sneak back inside Poopie's and crouch behind the counter. There's a cardboard box, which you tear open to reveal rainbow lollipops. You start tossing the lollipops over the counter and into the main floor. The Grossblins are intrigued. They fight each other for a taste. First they lick the candy, then they bite down and slobber them up, not realizing the core is made of... potassium cyanide, a highly toxic salt! Selling them would be a liability, as hilarious as they are, but they make great Grossblin traps. The Grossblins melt all over the floor in a puff of smoke, screaming in agony. When it comes to murder pranks, you can hang with the best of them. THE END Play again? Return to the [[Introduction]].

Something catches your eye at the mall restrooms. One of the Grossblins' bodies lay by the open mens room door, its clawed hands wrapped around its slimy neck. You suddenly remember one of the Grossblin rules: gas. They choke to death when they smell gas. That was one of the very memorable rules! Time to prank into action. You sneak back inside Poopie's and crouch behind the counter. There's a cardboard box, which you tear open to reveal fart spray. You start tossing the spray bottles over the counter and into the main floor. The Grossblins are intrigued. You hear them spray each other... and choking sounds! Yes, it's working! Or so you thought. When you stand up from behind the counter, you see them choke with laughter. These fart sprays are hilarious to them. Then you remember it's sewer gas, not individual farts, that kill Grossblins. The bathroom pipes need serious repairs. But it doesn't matter, because the Grossblins are leaving the store. Nothing will top the fart sprays for them. They tip their heads to you as they leave, acknowledging you as an expert prankster. They're off to destroy the rest of your town, so you'll be sleeping in the back room tonight on the bean bag chair shaped like a boob. THE END Play again? Return to the [[Introduction]].

Luckily, the owner of this Poopie's Pranks is deeply religious. He always says that Jesus was the original prankster. Apparently, Jesus turned water into wine as more of an icebreaker to lighten the mood at parties. Time to prank into action. You sneak back inside Poopie's and crouch behind the counter. Then you pop back up with two stiff "didgeridildos" (they double as wind instruments) held in the shape of a cross. You scream at the Grossblins to go back to the underworld from which they came! They stare at you blankly, then go back to pelting each other with "Science is Frickin' Rad" lunchboxes. Maybe these aren't Christian demons? Does Buddhism have demons, you wonder, as the Grossblins continue trashing your store. Eventually, the Grossblins get bored strangling each other with mankinis and leave. Trying to get ahead of your boss, you get on the phone with corporate to ask whether store insurance covers supernatural mischief. At least the hold music is Toto's "Hold the Line," a clever choice! THE END Play again? Return to the [[Introduction]].

Time to prank into action. You sneak back inside Poopie's and crouch behind the counter. You pop back up with the pranksters' greatest weapon: a shotgun. You fire round after round at the little demons, nailing a few right in the brains. In that moment, you remember one of the Grossblin rules: "They die when you shoot them with a gun." Sweet. Unfortunately, you run out of rounds and there are still about a dozen Grossblins who are not dead. You laugh nervously and try to sneak away, but they're fast and enraged. The Grossblins leap across the store, flashing their sharp teeth as they pile onto you behind the counter! They're biting your legs, clawing at your chest, playfully nibbling on your earlobes. Whenever anyone asked how you wanted to die, you always smiled and said, "in as painful and ludicrous a way as possible." In this moment, you learn a chilling lesson: Be careful what you wish for! THE END Play again? Return to the [[Introduction]].